A 21st Century Resume

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For centuries, companies have hired people solely for their ability to contribute to the bottom line, without any regard for wider social justice issues or the welfare of society. Today however, much of this has changed for the better, and job applicants are assessed against a much wider range of criteria, beyond qualifications and experience.

Affirmative action has changed the face of the job market, opening doors to applicants from all backgrounds, many of whom would be rejected on the basis of skills alone, but who pass with flying colors when their victim status is taken into account. Affirmative action programs use the victim pyramid to assess each job applicant’s level of victimhood, and make this the primary selection criteria. In the modern job market, a straight, white cis-male with a degree in electrical engineering from MIT is less likely to be selected for a senior engineering position than a lesbian, black transgender with a major in African studies and a minor in “business studies”.

In light of these new selection criteria, many applicants are restructuring their resumes to emphasize matters of identity politics over qualifications. The following example of a top 21st century resume demonstrates the importance of victimhood in today’s competitive job market, and how applicants are using affirmative action to advance their careers.

A 21st Century Resume

Dwayne Woodley, Age 25, Ferguson

Race: African American

Sports: Basketball, football (quarterback)

Qualifications:

  • Major in African American Studies, minor in Business from University of Miami (GPA 2.2)
  • Member of Black Lives Matter, University of Miami
  • Wrote my dissertation on African Americans in business and institutional racism

Disabilities:

  • Come from a low socio-economic background
  • Learning disability
  • Attention deficit disorder
  • Dyslexia
  • Post traumatic slave disorder

Experience: 

  • Activism at anti-Trump rallies
  • Attended president Barrack Obama’s inauguration
  • Sat on student diversity committee

This resume would likely land Mr Woodley a top graduate position at a fortune 500 company and a place on the diversity panel, giving him much leverage and sway within the corporation. His application is unlikely to be rejected, and he is unlikely to be fired, due to the range of law suits that he is entitled to file on the basis of his race.

Affirmative action is making America one of the most competitive nations in the world, allowing our companies to dominate rivals in countries like Japan, who haven’t yet discovered the benefits of diversity and affirmative action. With America’s rapidly changing demographics, soon white males may be unable to find job opportunities as they are crowded out by recent immigrants. This is karma for hundreds of years of white oppression and colonialism, and marks the beginning of a new era of diversity, tolerance and social justice.

Black Lives Matter
Black Lives Matter

Dwayne’s resume is amazing. If he can’t get a job at a Fortune 500 company, no one can.

rodo123
rodo123

I agree Black Lives matter. Dwayne appears to be a superstar type employee for an upper level corporate position.
My neighbor who is a forbes 200 CEO mentioned to me the other day that he is trying to fill his corporate HR chief position but that all the resumes he is receiving are from right wing hack types with just simple high level corporate job experience. He prefers people like Dwayne who has obvious real life experience.

I could offer Dwayne an 80K per year slot in my company however I am sure he would reject that as simply not enough to compensate him correctly.

Thanks for another fine article!

Queen Bey LuVR
Queen Bey LuVR

BEYONCE IS PREGNANT WITH TWINS!!!

I AM SO EXCITED!

A LIFELINE FOR HUMANITY!

http://www.cnn.com/2017/02/03/opinions/beyonce-pregnancy-distract-us-from-trump-sklar-opinion/index.html

Black Lives Matter
Black Lives Matter

That white whore Taylor Swift should have NEVER gotten the VMA over Beyonce. Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time. One of the best videos of ALL TIME. This is why we need people like Dwayne running major companies.

You got balls you a man
You got balls you a man

It would mean more if she were a trans whore.

Quiz: How do you knock up a trans bitch?
Answer: An uppercut under his chin.

#hate-speech

I gought questions
I gought questions

If a female now identifies as a male, do they lose oppression points, or does the loss of the cis-status offset it?

Would it be wise for us to treat xim like a man instead where they instantly lose eligibility for most jobs?

Also, aren’t men the minority in the United States? Why are they not treated like minorities, instead they are considered oppressors?

If I identify as a dog, and I become “man’s best friend” does that make me a misogynist?

If my friend identifies as a cat and I call her a “pussy” is that more or less offensive than if she identified as a cis-female human?

hungrypirana
hungrypirana

Something wrong here. U. Of Miami has no affirmative action GPA?

Black Lives Matter
Black Lives Matter

What are you talking about? A 2.2 GPA is excellent. In my experience, anything over 1.0 is great.

Little shoppin Lucy
Little shoppin Lucy

This is so interesting and relevant MDB. Donald Trump the Nazi only hires white heterosexual people for important jobs. Mexicans, Blacks, and Muslims, only get cleaning jobs. I heard yesterday that him and his peeps are preparing some homophobic laws so people won’t have to hire gays 🙁 It’s sad that fascism has come to America.

They seem to think that if they slow down everything will blow up in their faces. Kellyanne Conway is even making up Islamophobic lies to justify Donald Trump’s anti-Muslim laws.

Please click on pictures to expand. Thank you.

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Black Lives Matter
Black Lives Matter

Every time I see Kellyanne Conway on TV I want to scream. How is a womyn supposed to determine whether or not to have baby without the right to abortion??? Plus, it’s in the Constitution. It’s like conservatives can’t even read. Conway is a Nazi who just wants more babies to fuel cheap labor so she can make $$$ exploiting minorities.

Little shoppin Lucy
Little shoppin Lucy

It’s sad how much a woman will lower herself just to fit in with a bunch of rich white racist men.

I admire your bravery BLM, keep up the good work 🙂

Make my votes count
Make my votes count

I for one think it is a horrible disgrace that Dwayne would even have to be looking for work.
If you privileged white people would just pay your fair share of reparations then he would not have to enslave himself any longer to white corporate America. Haven’t black people suffered enough in this oppressive society?

And just in case you are wondering, What is your fair share? ALL OF IT.

richandrenee

Dwayne would be an asset to any company – it’s business who’s missing out when they don’t hire for diversity.

Make my votes count
Make my votes count

Stop thinking like a bigot!
Dwayne should own that business as part of his reparations. That is diversity.
Did you not listen to President Obama? That is not the owners. He did not build that business. All business was built on the backs of slaves.
You stole 600 years of advancement from black people. Pay up.

richandrenee

Of course – silly us. We should really say the company would be a great asset to Dwayne.

Black Flies Matter
Black Flies Matter

What the hell is wrong with Tennessee??? I hope this poor lady is in her safe place.

richandrenee

It is disgusting that words are being used to hurt and exclude rainbow people. It really is time for a government department to be established to reform English into a more inclusive language.

Even the name of the language, English, needs to be changed as it is noninclusive and racist.

Anon
Anon

I will remind people here that painting yourself in rainbow colors can result in death.

Something about clogging up all the skin pores.

Always leave a portion of your body unpainted, such as the butt, the soles of the feet and other spots covered by clothing.

Sorry for the exhibitionists here, you will just have to die for your beliefs.

#fake-news

Anon
Anon

Yet another failure to get the Ableist flag.

So disheartening!

Frenchesco
Frenchesco

Million dollar boner strikes again, limply…

#fake-news

#post-truth

Anon
Anon

It appears that McDonalds is moving away from reading trash resumes and going with cold hard cash.

say hello to the new MickieDee nonjudgmental and always politically correct vending machine.

Give it money and it gives you food! How apolitical is that?

#racist

Make my votes count
Make my votes count

Just so you know. They programmed the machine so that when it see’s a bigot like you, it will still spit on your food, just like the real workers.
So don’t fret, your hamburger will still be just as juicy.MMMMMMM

Anon
Anon

That’s the trouble with libtards. They don’t quite get that machines can’t spit.

#hate-speech

Make my votes count
Make my votes count

That’s the problem with bigots. They don’t quite get that people they offend really will spit in their food.

Anon
Anon

Only if I frequent the place where they prepare food.

GO DONALD!!
GO DONALD!!

i would never hired someone with a resume like the one above!

The first thing that comes to mind reading the resume is that the individual is lazy, lives with a myriad of “crutches”, actually believes he would contribute at an intelligent level because of his crutches, unable to make a career with savvy, intelligence or hard work.

YOU’RE FIRED!

#hate-speech

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