Fresh from our anonymous tip line comes a shocking anecdotal account that needs no verification: ISIS is using Trump’s Spring Formal Collection to make suicide vests.
It all started two years ago, before a Trump presidency was even a glimmer in Abu Jandal al-Kuaiti’s eye. ISIS operatives scoured Nordstrom and Tiffany stores searching for durable suit vests that could withstand the pressure of holding hundreds of pounds of explosives. With it’s strong double stitching and ample seam allowance, Trump’s suit vests were deemed an excellent platform for delivering death to innocent people. Multiple terrorists praised the cuffs as being comfortable and non-restrictive.
In order confirm these sickening claims I headed over to Barneys on Madison Avenue. A pretentious employee sneered at my “I’m with HER” t-shirt as he offered me a hand tailored wool Trump suit. The material was strong, yet breathable. The jacket was completely unlined, indicating the work of a master seamstress. The lapel was perfectly rolled, and the fit – well I felt like I was wearing a second skin. There was no doubt in my mind: this is the perfect suit for a terrorist.
“The fact that terrorists want to look their best on their last day is no surprise to anyone”, explained my unidentified source, “the real story is in how Trump Inc. responded”. Indeed, even as soldiers in Iraq reported finding racks of Trump suits in bomb factories, Trump Inc. refused to stop production of the high quality clothing. Late last year, the already generous seam allowance was increased, which allows the suit to internally hold and hide even more explosives. This year, in order to reduce their availability to ISIS, Nordstrom completely cut out Trump’s clothing line, along with Ivanka’s.
Trump has repeatedly said on TV that he wants to destroy ISIS, but actions speak louder than words. I propose that we all boycott any clothing that can be used for carrying bombs.