Today, many in the West celebrate Saint Patrick’s Day. In New York, London, and elsewhere, processions, street parties and mass celebrations all take place as everyone pretends to be Irish for one day by dressing up in green. Shareholders of Diageo rub their hands in glee as millions of hideous white people rush to drink pints of Guinness.
It’s a chance to celebrate Irish culture and the life of one of the world’s greatest saints, right? Saint Patrick is, after all, reputed to have Christianised the Emerald Isle. Alas, the accredited story is rather one of cultural genocide and speciesism.
It is fortunate for Saint Patrick that the International Criminal Court did not exist when he was alive. A progressive reading of history now depicts this Saint as a Literal Hitler of his time. A white male, Saint Patrick was never happy unless it meant heaping misery on pagans, druids and snakes. But, we get ahead of ourselves; we need first to give an accredited summary of his early life.
Born of privileged white Christian parents, Patrick had an early life of comfort, blissfully ignorant of the terrible black slavery that was going on only a few thousand miles south of his home. Nor did he give much thought to the daily struggles of the LGBTQ+ community. When he was 16, a group of Irish travelers insisted that young Patrick join them on their boat for some exciting sea-faring adventures. On landing in Ireland, he was encouraged to earn good money looking after animals. Despite this charmed life, Patrick cruelly abandoned his generous employers and returned home to Britain where he remained for a while.
At this point, Patrick suffered from one delusion after another, hearing voices and seeing visions which commanded him to return to Ireland as a Christian missionary.
For as long as anyone could remember, Ireland had been a peaceful nation, ruled by wise, environmentally-friendly and compassionate druids who never got involved in satanic rituals, human sacrifice, or infanticide. Their culture was one of complete harmony, self-healing and balanced chakras, not dissimilar to the world depicted in Avatar before the evil white male characters arrive to trash the place.
It is precisely at this point that Patrick arrived. Masquerading as the Colonel Quaritch of his time, with ruthless efficiency, Patrick single-handedly rid the country of its beloved druids and their pet snakes, imposing an authoritarian Christianity on the land. Unless people converted and paid the Jizya, they were beheaded before being burnt to the stake. No wonder then that the whole country converted. The rest as they say is history.
To this day, not a single snake may be found throughout the green land.
According to some modern-day pagans, the friendly serpents Patrick got rid of were in fact the druids:
“The “snakes” that Patrick drove out of Ireland were the Druidic priests, who had serpents tattooed on their forearms. Celebrating him is like celebrating Stalin or Hitler.”
Indeed, Pagan author Isaac Bonewits refers to Saint Patrick’s day as “All snakes day” and has penned songs calling for the return of the “snakes” that Patrick is famously attributed with driving out, since many claim the snakes are actually a metaphor for Pagans.
It’s hard to love someone who is guilty of both Cultural Genocide and speciesism. Something to think about before drinking the black stuff.