CINCINNATI (Accredited Times) – Otto Warmbier, an American convicted of committing “hostile acts” against the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, has died, his family told the Accredited Times on Monday.
Warmbier, a capitalist, had attempted to steal a sign stating, “Let’s arm ourselves strongly with Kim Jong-il’s patriotism!”. Kim Jong-il, a beloved hero who led North Korea to become an economic tiger of Asia, served as Dear Leader of North Korea from 1994 until his death in 2011. His son, Kim Jong-un, currently serves as Dear Leader of the democratic country.
Warmbier’s exact intentions remain unclear, but he appears to have been a capitalist agent prodded to commit the crime by imperialist aggressors from the United States government. In a confession submitted to a North Korean court, Warmbier stated: “I never, never should have allowed myself to be lured by the United States administration to commit a crime in this country, I wish that the United States administration never manipulate people like myself in the future to commit crimes against foreign countries. I entirely beg you, the people and government of the DPRK, for your forgiveness. Please! I made the worst mistake of my life!”
In a news conference on February 29, 2016, Warmbier further confessed to stealing the sign for the mother of a friend who wanted it as a souvenir to be hung on the wall of a church (further illustrating how Christianity is a tool of capitalist aggressors). The friend allegedly offered Warmbier a used car worth $10,000 as payment or $200,000 to be paid to his mother in the form of a charitable donation if Warmbier failed to return from the democratic socialist paradise. Warmbier also said he stole the sign to join the Z Society, a “semi-secret society” at the University of Virginia, a capitalist university attended by Warmbier that undoubtedly indoctrinated Warmbier into the precepts of capitalism. Like many Americans, Warmbier sought to join a secret society to promote capitalism and imperialism.
Although Warmbier’s crimes were serious, North Korea’s highest court exercised leniency, sentencing the American imperialist to just 15 years of hard labor on March 16, 2016. According to North Korean authorities, after Warmbier contracted botulism while serving his sentence, Dear Leader Kim Jong-un personally intervened and allowed the American criminal to be released despite his crimes. Warmbier returned to Cincinnati, Ohio on June 13, 2017, serving just fifteen months of his sentence, and died of neurological complications on June 19, 2017. The world applauded Dear Leader Kim Jong-un for his mercy and compassion.
The United States recently sent a diplomatic envoy, Dennis Rodman, a former NBA basketball star, to visit Kim Jong-un to learn the secrets of the socialist paradise. Rodman gave Dear Leader Kim Jong-un the book the “Art of the Deal” by Donald Trump, a known capitalist liar, as well as a special “Where’s Waldo?” edition by Martin Handford. The Accredited Times has learned from anonymous sources that Trump attempted to locate Waldo, but was unable to do so.
International experts and observers believe Kim Jong-un’s actions may warrant a Nobel Peace Prize.
“When you look at all the great leaders who have won Nobel Peace Prizes — Yasser Arafat, Henry Kissinger, Le Duc Tho, Menachem Begin, Al Gore, and Barack Obama — Kim Jong-un has to be at the top of the list,” one anonymous expert told us. “As a socialist country, North Korea has first-rate healthcare, just like Cuba. The question is how we can bring that ‘single payer’ healthcare system to America”.
“The compassion that the Dear Leader showed in releasing Warmbier shows that North Korea is the kind of country that America can trust,” another anonymous expert told us. “Bill Clinton trusted North Korea and signed a deal with North Korea to keep the country nuclear-free. We’re still reaping dividends from Clinton’s excellent diplomacy”.
The incident also serves as a warning to capitalist pigs not to seek to incite a revolt against the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea.
Rodman applauded Kim Jong-un, calling him a “friend for life”. “Everybody’s going to be happy. It was a good day. It was a good trip. A really good trip”. The only question is whether the Nobel Peace Prize committee is watching.