Which Pharmaceuticals Should YOU Be Taking?

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TEL AVIV (Accredited Times) – As the world’s leading news organization, the Accredited Times has often explained the wonders of pharmaceuticals to its readership. But one question we are often asked is, “Which pharmaceuticals are right for me?”

The best approach, of course, is to consult with your doctor to determine which pharmaceuticals you should be taking. That said, just as it’s generally a bad idea to walk into a car dealership without knowing which car you want to buy, it’s generally a bad idea to walk into a doctor’s office without having a good idea which pharmaceuticals you want to take. To help our readers, we contacted some of the world’s largest pharmaceutical companies to seek their advice on which drugs to request from the doctor. Here are our results:

  • For Anyone Who Supported Donald Trump: Best drugs: (1) Aripiprazole (Abilify); (2) Asenapine (Saphris); (3) Brexpiprazole (Rexulti); (4) Cariprazine (Vraylar); (5) Clozapine (Clozaril); (6) Iloperidone (Fanapt); (7) Lurasidone (Latuda); (8) Olanzapine (Zyprexa); (9) Paliperidone (Invega); (10) Quetiapine (Seroquel); (11) Risperidone (Risperdal); and/or (12) Ziprasidone (Geodon). Anyone who supported Donald Trump is exhibiting clear signs of psychotic behavior with significant indications of schizophrenia. These drugs are all “second generation” anti-psychotics. Consequently, they should help treat your condition without the neurological side effects of “first generation” drugs. Our recommendation? Go with Risperdal. It also treats irritability in people with autism, which is common amongst Trump supporters.
  • For Anyone Who Supported Hillary Clinton: Best drugs: (1) Vodka; (2) Whiskey; (3) Rum; and/or (4) Brandy. Vodka is generally the recommended therapy given its high alcohol content. Its Russian background will also help the patient acclimate himself or herself to the hostile Russian takeover of the federal government. Vodka has a proven history of helping people cope with totalitarian governments. As alternatives, whiskey, rum, and brandy also suffice.
  • For Anyone Who Supported Barack Obama: Best drugs: (1) Medical Marijuana; and/or (2) Cocaine. If you supported Obama, then you undoubtedly agree that he is the Greatest President in the History of the World®, so you probably want to be just like him. Well, I have some good news and bad news. The good news is that the best drugs for being just like Obama are marijuana and cocaine, which are both readily available pretty much anywhere. Obama, of course, was (and likely still is) a regular user of “medical” marijuana, having belonged to the “Choom Gang” in high school, and often used “a little blow” (cocaine) when he needed a pick-me-up in college. The bad news is that marijuana and cocaine are still illegal in most jurisdictions around the world. So please check your local laws before sampling.
  • For Anyone Who Supported Bernie Sanders: Best drugs: (1) Visine; (2) Rohto Eye Drops; and/or (3) Clear Eyes Triple Action. When you’re seeing red, the best remedy is, not surprisingly, one of the leading eye drop brands, like Visine, Rohto, or Clear Eyes. Also, if you supported Bernie, we assume that you’re already sampling the medical marijuana and probably seriously need some eye drops.
  • For Anyone Who Supported Ted Cruz: Please just shut up and drink a glass of orange juice or something.
  • For Anyone Who Supported Roseanne Barr: Wait, what? Yep, she actually ran for President in 2012 on the “Peace and Freedom Party” ticket. LOL. If you supported Rosanne, go with crack cocaine. Electing her would have been as crazy as electing a reality TV star best known for . . . ehhhh, never mind. Maybe Roseanne was a sensible choice after all. Please check your local laws as crack cocaine is likely illegal in your jurisdiction.
  • For Anyone Who Supported Jeb Bush: LOL, no one supported Jeb Bush.

Hop to it. Our sponsors need money.

Vladmir Putin
Vladmir Putin

The set of drugs “recommended” for Trump supporters are exactly the drugs taken by Hillary. If you like her cackle, and her perfect balance climbing stairs, then take those drugs.

Chewing a few fresh leaves of marijuana is good for health, smoking it is not good, but the addicts don’t realize it.

Make my votes count
Make my votes count

BLM. Your incarceration by Trumps gestapo sure has you fired up and creating some great literary pieces.
My suggestion would be a cocktail of drugs is often the best mix. Carrie Fisher had an assortment she liked to use. cocaine, opiates and ecstasy will make you forget who is POTUS.
I also know as a Hillary supporter she recommended wine as her cushion.
And as far as Obama, yes a mix of cocaine and Larry Sinclair makes for a great time.
Also don’t forget to medicate your children as we need them to learn early the benefits that our pharmaceutical companies provide.

MillionDollarBonus

Yes I agree. Pharmaceuticals often work synergistically and offer enhanced benefits when taken with other complimentary drugs. One thing’s for sure though – EVERYONE should be taking AT LEAST three pharmaceuticals on a daily basis.

Black Flies Matter
Black Flies Matter

As an enlightened accredited alt-centrist who is above it all, I prescribe Merck Cocaine Hydrochloride.

MillionDollarBonus

Excellent article BLM. You’re a rising star of accredited journalism!

Just a minor legal disclaimer for our readers: the Accredited Times is sponsored by a number of leading pharmaceutical companies, and you may disregard our statements about these drugs on that basis. However we would urge you to research the many benefits and lack of side effects of the major pharmaceuticals listed in this article using objective sites like Wikipedia. If they were dangerous, do you really think doctors would prescribe them so liberally to children?

Missy Bo Pepys
Missy Bo Pepys

Wow BLM, your really flying today!

As a conflicted woman of a certain age I have supported most of the politicians in your pharma list, but worry about side-effects of mixing drugs of different political categories. Do you have any suggestions?

Vladmir Putin
Vladmir Putin

Side effects will be expensive emergency care, not a big deal if you think about it. The system needs you to create a scare about expensive treatments, and have people fly into the arms of insurance mafia.

MillionDollarBonus

Congratulations BLM on your having your article mentioned on this prominent right wing news site:

http://nxright.com/index.php/2017/06/22/otto-warmbier-and-the-left039s-dehumanizing-culture-of-hate/

People are now rightfully starting to recognize the Accredited Times as one of the world’s leading sources of objective journalism, whether they agree with us or not.

IThinkThereforeIAm (ITTIA)
IThinkThereforeIAm (ITTIA)

Way to go BLM for spreading the truth, but unfortunately you’re also on the alt-right radar now and those people are crazy with all of their riots and civil unrest. Be careful out there.

NB Forest
NB Forest

Jameshelaqushiaafricazimbanwaefreedommogombo say I Somme’s that crack, hit that pipe and stick it to the man.

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