In the bad old unenlightened days, people used only subjective ways of measuring success in life. Not that subjectivity or emotions don’t count – quite the opposite in fact – only that people didn’t used to think right ‘n all, yeah?
Until fairly recently, it was generally thought that raising a well-adjusted family in a monogamous (and heterosexual) marriage and loving, un-mortgaged home was the very definition of success. Hopefully, your privately-educated children would follow you into well-paid professional careers (perhaps as accredited journalists if you were really blessed) with generous pensions and all the myriad benefits life can throw at you.
In the VERY distant past, delusional (yet oh so privileged) Christians believed that true success meant being able to sleep ‘with a clear conscience’ and dying in a ‘state of grace’ so as to enter into Heaven. After all, they thought, quoting, Jesus, ‘For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?‘.
Er, excuse me, what about womyn?
Fortunately, we are now beyond useless traditions and have no use for them. In our 2017 progressive world we measure success in more accredited ways, often using far more objective measures. Here then is our guide to assess whether you are truly successful in today’s world.
- By far the greatest measure of success is the number of friends or ‘followers’ you have on social media. A large number (say in the tens of thousands) means that you have truly inspired others around you. Give yourself a pat on the back and know you have what it takes. It matters not that these friends would struggle to recall your name when asked, the important point is that they took a nanosecond to click on ‘follow’ and this means you’ve got what it takes.
- When you post a new photo on Instagram or Facebook, you have hundreds of ‘likes’ in the first few minutes. If you hiked out to Machu Picchu, took a photo in suitably ethnic clothing, and received 15000 up-ticks, this demonstrates you are someone well worth following.
- You are a ‘first adopter’ when new technology comes along. Waiting for the price of the new iPhone2312 to come down is not for you; rather you prefer to pitch a tent outside the Apple Store to be one of the first ten customers to wrap your hands around the exciting new device. You are a WINNER and you HATE Android devices, which makes you doubly cool.
- You voted for Hillary. This means you care about people less fortunate than yourselves, you hate the big corporations and banks who suck the soul out of society (except of course the likes of Goldman Sachs and Monsanto, who are fully accredited). Ok, so voting for Hillary didn’t work out this time but Chelsea should be along fairly soon.
Do you have what it takes to be a winner? Seize the day!
PS: If you like this article, please make my day by giving it the full FIVE STARS. Log in on another device and use that to add another FIVE STARS! Then, forward it to all your hundreds of Facebook friends and have them ‘like’ it too. If they can remember who you are and why they agree to ‘follow’ you that is. It will help me feel so good about myself, I’ll change into pajamas, pour a hot chocolate and think about global government.