TOKYO (Accredited Times) – Few characters divide progressive opinion more than Hello Kitty, the iconic Japanese cultural export, first marketed by Sanrio in 1974.
The first misconception most people have has to do with her species. Despite appearances, Hello Kitty is actually not a cat, but in fact a (43 year old) real-life British school girl whose full name is Kitty White. As the Los Angeles Times reported in 2014:
“She is a little girl. She is a friend. But she is not a cat. She’s never depicted on all fours. She walks and sits like a two-legged creature. She does have a pet cat of her own, however, and it’s called Charmmy Kitty
Kitty is actually named Kitty White and she has a full back story. She is a Scorpio. She loves apple pie. And she is the daughter of George and Mary White…She’s a perpetual third-grader. She lives outside of London.”
In Britain, opposition politicians say that Kitty’s inability to graduate from third grade, despite being 43 years old, is ‘a national disgrace’. Labour leader, Jeremy Corbyn said Kitty’s experience is ‘damning evidence of [British Prime Minister] Theresa May’s failure to invest in education.’
Whilst we agree with Corbyn on most things, in fact it is Hello Kitty’s ‘full back story’ which explains her poor academic achievements.
At birth, George and Mary White were shocked when their daughter was born without a mouth. This made Kitty’s early life a living hell. Not only was she fed by intravenous drip, but she was unable to talk and express her feelings. She felt alienated from society, unloved and unlovable. As a young teenager, she fell into the wrong crowds, finding comfort in crack cocaine, heroin, ecstasy and a series of meaningless one night stands.
Kitty was destined for an early grave until, one night, she watched a programme on trans-speciesism, which changed her life. One of the characters on the programme was a young Norwegian called Nano who said she was born as a girl but actually identified as a cat.
Natural News reported on Nano recently, although we regret the sarcasm reflected in the article:
“(Natural News) Nano, a 20-year-old from Oslo, Norway claims to be “trans-species” and is actually a cat. Much like transgender people, she believes she was born this way and was assigned the wrong species at birth. Nano finally came to terms with the mistake when she was 16 and has lived as a cat ever since. In one of her YouTube videos, she claims “I realized I was a cat when I was 16 when doctors and psychologists found out what was ‘the thing’ with me. Under my birth, there was a genetic defect.”
What qualifies Nano as a cat? Well, she claims that she naturally hisses at dogs, hates water, and has a superior sense of smell. She can see in the dark and likes to chase mice for fun, although she has not been able to catch any. She speaks mostly in “meows” especially to her friend Sven. Sven is not trans-species but claims to have different personalities, one of which is a cat, so he and Nano can communicate when they speak as cats. You can’t make this stuff up.”
Since that day, Kitty has not looked back. Funded by the British National Health Service (NHS), Kitty had a series of operations to transform her appearance to resemble Nano as much as possible. She then signed a lucrative image rights deal with a Japanese corporation, Sanrio. Sanrio now use Kitty’s likeness to sell all manner of toys, books, merchandise, gadgets. It is rumoured that Michael Jackson spent much of his wealth and later years trying to replicate Kitty’s pale complexion.
Kitty still identifies as a girl, however, which is why the LA Times article is technically correct and not trans speciesist. Not everyone is happy with Kitty, however. Her steadfast refusal to ‘come out as a cat’ has infuriated the transpecies community, with many claiming to feel betrayed.
She has attracted other enemies too. The radicals at Everyday Feminism consider that the material success she has enjoyed since signing up with Sanrio is ‘capitalism at its worst. Someone needs to neuter that fucking cat.’