World Exclusive: Accredited Times Invited To Create Next Generation Of Sex Dolls

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Tonight, we dim the lights a little, light some scented candles, put on a favorite Barry White album and prepare to discuss romance.

We have been put into an incredibly amorous mood by the publication of around a hundred near-identical articles in the Accredited Media about Sex Dolls. Previously, sex dolls were thought to be ever so seedy and only ever bought by people organising stag parties or else living alone in the basement of their parents’ homes. Such people were unable to form real-life relationships with other human beings, and so spent their lives on internet forums posting under aliases like ‘Crazed Tiger’, ‘Irresistible Stud’ or even ‘Anon’. I’m sure we’ve all come across someone like this.

Anyway, here is a selection of today’s headlines:

  • Sex robots on way for elderly and lonely…but pleasure-bots have a dark side, warn experts  – The Telegraph
  • Can Child Dolls Keep Pedophiles from Offending? The Atlantic

  • ‘We need to talk about sex’: robot experts warn android love dolls will raise complex questions (AI sex dolls can be customised down to the nipple shape and pubic hair colour, and can cost between US$5,000 and US$15,000) – South China Morning Post

There are hundreds of others. Trust us on this as we have read them all and even done an online price comparison to find the best value doll on the market. Strictly for research purposes you understand.

We never cease to be amazed at how so many publications have the exact same idea for an article at exactly the same time. Even the very wording of the article, the quotes, and the commentary that follows are all so similar. A cynic might say that the so-called ‘Mainstream Media’ (pejorative for Accredited) is full of shitty articles designed to appeal to the lowest common denominator, that there are few real journalists any more, just a few trashy media organizations who sell this total crap to newspapers so that they don’t have to do any work at all.

But we are not cynical. We are accredited.

We therefore spookily had EXACTLY the same idea for an article today on sex dolls when we received THE CALL

What is the call? Well, it turns out that manufacturers of sex dolls have a number of concerns about where the..er sex doll manufacturing industry is going. They all read the three reports listed above and wanted to ensure that Sex Doll Current Year version would avoid all the ‘problems’ cited in these items. Knowing that the Accredited Times is at the cutting edge of progressive fashions and trends, a number of manufacturers have asked for recommendations on what the sex dolls should look like and their functionality. Before we responded, we had a read of some of today’s articles to gauge opinion. Here’s what the Guardian had to say:

In practice, these are sophisticated masturbatory aids. What’s the big deal when there are already loads of such aids on the market? For the ultimate blowjob, a severed head-type thing can be bought; so why not attach it to a body? Why not give the body soft skin and perfectly moulded labia? Sex, after all, is largely in the head, isn’t it?

Whilst we don’t necessarily share the same ‘tastes’ as the Guardian writer, we have noted that this is what one particular consumer is looking for from his sex doll. The Accredited Times has been invited to provide suggestions for the ‘ideal doll’ and this is your chance to make history.

All suggestions in the comment box are welcome.

Black Lives Matter

BLACK

Expat Logger
Expat Logger

AND BOUNCY

Anon
Anon

it needs to be more Muslim friendly

I believe a donkeys ass and a watermelon face are needed for that.

Green Shoots
Green Shoots

Wow. A clipboard with a consent form would be the first feature, no???

#DollLivesMatter
#Triggered

Black Lives Matter

You are 100% correct. Consent forms should be MANDATORY in all relationships, including those involving dolls and/or robots.

MillionDollarBonus

If it’s a white male using them, then it’s rape regardless of whether consent is given. White males invented RAPE CULTURE!

MillionDollarBonus

We need to promote the use of these dolls aggressively. We don’t want people forming strong bonds with real people, and we especially don’t want them having families and children, unless they’re Muslims, Hispanics or Africans. I also applaud the Atlantic for discussing a topic that until now has been taboo – minor-attraction. People don’t think I’m serious when I say this, but I am – minor attraction is a new sexual orientation, and we’re going to see it normalized repeatedly in the media. Salon’s article was ahead of its time, but in a couple of years you’ll be called a BIGOT for criticizing pedophiles. This is PROGRESSIVE!

Huff Monkey Knobenstein
Huff Monkey Knobenstein

I’m conflicted. While I see the need for white males to deposit their evil sperm into something that will not produce offspring I also fear that the use of sex dolls will just help perpetuate rape culture since the sex doll is incapable of granting consent. Maybe if all sex dolls were made with a tag that states that this doll explicitly consents to all possible sex acts involving all possible orifices. This might alleviate my concern. I also wonder if only humans are represented then arent we being a bit specist?

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