BALTIMORE (Accredited Times) – Sorry bronies, friendship apparently isn’t magic. The beginning of the end for America has now begun as Donald J. Trump has declared war on “bronies”, effectively creating the largest fissure in the fabric of the American Republic since the Civil War.
For those of you who have no idea what a “brony” is, let me give you a brief primer. For decades, Hasbro, Inc. has produced a hit toy line and TV franchise aimed at preteen girls called My Little Pony. Originally developed in 1981, My Little Pony features colorful ponies with feminine personalities and cutsey mannerisms. Set in a magical kingdom called Equestria, My Little Pony includes various girlish ponies as protagonists, including Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Rarity, and Fluttershy.
Girls remained the dominant demographic of the franchise for decades until the fourth incarnation of the series, My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic (2010 – present). The advent of the new series unexpectedly found new fans in middle-aged males, mostly white, calling themselves “bronies”, a portmanteau of “bro” and “ponies”. Each year, bronies even have a convention, “BronyCon“, which is scheduled to occur this year in Baltimore, Maryland on August 11-13, 2017. Surprisingly, almost all of the middle-aged male fans are virgins, even though several females have been spotted at previous conventions, which last year attracted 7,609 attendees.
Donald Trump has had an uneasy relationship with bronies since declaring his candidacy in 2015. Most notably, in July 2016, controversy erupted between Trump and bronies after Donald Trump’s wife Melania Trump was caught plagiarizing lines from former First Lady Michelle Obama in Mrs. Trump’s speech at the Republican National Convention (“RNC”). After the speech, RNC chief strategist (and current Press Secretary) Sean Spicer hatefully compared Mrs. Trump’s plagiarism to comments by Twilight Sparkle from My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic. “We’re talking about 70 words, three passages”, Spicer noted in a discussion with CNN’s Wolf Blitzer on the issue. “Melania Trump said, ‘The strength of your dreams and willingness to work for them.’ Twilight Sparkle from My Little Pony said, ‘This is your dream. Anything you can do in your dreams, you can do now.””
At the time, Spicer’s comments only exacerbated Mrs. Trump’s problems, as they simply proved that the Trumps had also plagiarized My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic in addition to plagiarizing Michelle Obama’s landmark address. They also created significant tensions between the Trump campaign and bronies, who were already skeptical of Trump’s homophobic message in light of the fact that many bronies eventually expect to “go gay” because of the shocking failure of heterosexual womyn to understand and accept bronydom for reasons unbeknownst to them and us.
On October 7, 2016, tensions exploded with the release of the Donald Trump/Billy Bush recording. In the recording, Trump said of womyn: “[W]hen you’re a star, they let you do it, you can do anything . . . grab them by the pussy”. Trump’s comments about grabbing womyn’s genitals triggered bronies everywhere, causing many to go on Pixy Stick binges in disappointment that a then-59-year-old B-List celebrity with a fake orange tan had such easy success with womyn whereas they have had no success despite often standing up as white knights against macho bullies like Trump. The Pixy Stick binges caused considerable health problems amongst bronies as many already struggle with obesity and body dysmorphic disorder.
After the “election”, many thought that the Trump-brony controversy had ended and that the two sides had formed an uneasy, but firm, truce. Any such beliefs, however, were dashed when Trump met with Russian President Vladimir Putin on July 7, 2017 during the G20 summit in Hamburg, Germany. Shockingly, despite the fact that My Little Pony is almost as popular as pornography in Russia, Trump failed to mention bronies or acknowledge the important contributions of bronies to American culture. In doing so, Trump effectively declared war on bronies, an important voter demographic that includes millions of males with nothing better to do than vote, argue politics, and watch female-oriented cartoons.
Bronies universally reacted with horror to Trump’s declaration of war. “It’s like we don’t even exist to Donald Trump”, one anonymous brony noted. “Or maybe he just doesn’t want us to exist”.
Many likened Trump’s conduct to that of another white supremacist dictator, Adolf Hitler. “Trump wants us gone”, another anonymous brony stated. “He hates us and wants us wiped out. A lot of us think a second Holocaust is on the horizon”.
Trump has yet to comment on how his war with bronies will proceed. If his war proceeds like other Trump wars, experts expect the conflict to involve tweeting, insults, impeachment efforts, references to blood coming out of their wherever, and measured media analysis, particularly from CNN, MSNBC, the New York Times, and the Washington Post.
Regardless of whoever wins, one thing is certain. Without the brony vote, Trump stands virtually no chance of winning in 2020 should he somehow manage to avoid impeachment in the coming months.