NEW YORK, N.Y. (Accredited Times) – If the accredited media has taught us anything, it’s that Baby Boomers are hip, cool, rich, smart, awesome, popular, technologically savvy, and, wait, did I mention hip? Oh, and they literally invented music and sex, neither of which existed before Baby Boomers.
Some anti-Boomer activists have noted that supposed Boomer icons, like the Beatles, Bob Dylan, and Jimi Hendrix, are not actually Boomers. But Boomers undoubtedly bought their records in droves, not because of the marketing prowess of major television and radio corporations, but because Boomers are known to exercise independent thought, having generally watched thousands of hours of enlightening television programs over the years, like The Tonight Show, M*A*S*H, All In The Family, Cheers, The Cosby Show, The Dukes of Hazzard, Dallas, Seinfeld, and all of the other wonderful programming brought to Americans in the heady days of major media oligopoly. Boomers also gained their independent streak by watching various accredited news programs, like The CBS Evening News, NBC Nightly News, ABC World News Tonight, and PBS NewsHour, all of which report real accredited facts from a diverse range of perspectives.
One of the reasons that Boomers, like Jamie Dimon, the CEO of JP Morgan, and Lloyd Blankfein, the CEO of Goldman Sachs, continue to control the financial industry is not because they insulated themselves from competition and imposed systems of promotion based on factors unrelated to merit, like seniority and personal relationships. No, the reason they continue to thrive is that they are simply the best, just like that awesome Tina Turner song that they put on all of their commercials (again, Tina Turner is technically not a Boomer, but the song is obviously referring to Boomers):
Thanks to Boomer control over major companies, we now know that “60 is the new 30“, which is great because Boomers definitely needed a loophole around that whole “Don’t trust anyone over 30” idea from back in the 1960s. Plus, Boomers are wise enough to know that people who are younger than Boomers are complete idiots. Sure, young people may know how to code, text message, and write coherent sentences, but do they know all the lyrics to Boomer George Thorogood’s “Bad to the Bone“? I highly doubt it, even though our wonderful media companies play that awesome song in just about every comedy movie produced, not to mention every kitschy action flick. Boomers also know how to sell; young people are just too dumb to know how to sell products since they’re always stuck in their personal computers, gadgets, and whatnot. Selling requires face-to-face interactions that require interpersonal skills, which only Boomers possess because they are just so awesome. Just look at how well Sears has done over the years.
One of the great things about Boomers is that they reflexively know to follow all of the hip progressive trends. That’s why they’re so cool. So when cigars became cool back in the mid-1990s, Boomers everywhere could be seen fellating brown phallic objects in public and at home. When the accredited media started promoting gay marriage, Boomers again eventually jumped on board, and many now continue to fellate brown phallic objects in public and at home.
The movie Forrest Gump represents the climax of Boomerdom. The movie, starring Boomer icon Tom Hanks, tells the story of a mentally-handicapped-but-amiable beta male who lives his life concurrently with major events shown on the television, like the Watergate scandal, the Vietnam War, and Nixon’s visit to China. Boomers responded enthusiastically to the movie, awarding it six Oscars (Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actor, Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Visual Effects, and Best Film Editing). It was like seeing their own handicapable make-believe lives on a movie screen.
If Boomers know anything, it’s that the best cities in America are major urban centers, like San Francisco, Chicago, and New York City. Critics have argued that real estate prices in these areas are outrageous and that no sane person would want to live in places like San Francisco, Chicago, or New York City given the crime, terrible schools, government insolvency, dysfunctional transportation systems, and homeless people taking dumps in the middle of the street. Boomers, however, know that many of their beloved musicians from the 1960s told them about how wonderful these places are, so they know that it is definitely worth paying $1 million for a studio apartment in these places, even if the apartment is next to a gay bathhouse and a homeless crack addict sleeping in a tent.
Sadly, because of Donald Trump, millions of Boomers are now dying every year. Over 19.5% of Boomers in the United States have already died because of the heartless policies of Trump and Republicans. With healthcare expenditures woefully inadequate to pay for facelifts, liposuctions, breast augmentations, and other important health procedures for Boomers, the quality of life has also declined considerably.
The world today has 6.8 billion people… that’s headed up to about 9 billion. Now if we do a really great job on new vaccines, health care, reproductive health services, we could lower that by perhaps 10 or 15 percent.
Unfortunately, notwithstanding the efforts of Bill Gates and other climate warriors, vaccines and other measures have not done enough over the past seven years. World population now exceeds 7.5 billion and is still climbing. Whites are producing ruinous levels of CO2.
It’s now time for us to take more drastic action: we need to euthanize ALL Baby Boomers.
Fortunately, Boomers are obedient and will readily do whatever the mainstream media tells them to do. Moreover, the Boomers’ selflessness in fighting for the environment and civil rights means that they should overwhelmingly support voluntary self-euthanization. That makes them a perfect group to “take one for the team” and voluntarily self-terminate.
We need to lower CO2. We need a Boomer die-off NOW.