Brave Public Health Officials Avert Second Great Plague

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LONDON, ENGLAND – (Accredited Times) – Like all great public health disasters, in hindsight, the cause of the Great Plague of London in 1665 seems so innocuous, so avoidable. Accredited historians believe the plague was first transmitted to the public by a mere flea.  Who could have predicted what then followed? In a matter of just a few weeks, the plague would kill a full quarter of London’s population.

Given the passage of time, we believe it unlikely there are any survivors who are still alive to tell the tale.  We searched for them, but came back empty-handed, with the oldest Londoner we encountered a mere 98 years old (Agatha, from Shoreditch, found in the ‘Dog and Duck’ pub, playing the piano). We are therefore forced to revert to accounts based on contemporaneous sources:

The peak of the epidemic was the week of 19–26 September 1665 when London mortality bills recorded 7,165 deaths from plague.

Night after night, porters took piles of corpses for burial, filling large pits with the dead. Adding to the horror were rumours of the bereaved and the ill throwing themselves into the pits alive.

Ghastly. In 1665 London, death was the dish of the day, whether entrée, plat or dessert.  Alas, any Londoner who was fortunate enough to survive the Great Plague then had to endure the Great Fire of London the following year.  Whilst the Great Fire destroyed most of the City, it also got rid of the Great Plague, allowing the twenty or so remaining Londoners to hold an intimate street party.  Unfortunately for them, in 1914, the Great War began, showing that bad tidings often come in threes and that not everything labeled as ‘great’ is in fact awesome.

But we digress before we have even begun.  Why are we telling you this history lesson? Well, because a second not-so-awesome plague was only just avoided this week thanks to the quick-thinking of London’s public health officials.

Determined not to repeat history, the British decided years ago to make certain activities illegal that could cause a plague.  Activities like the preparation of food for public consumption, for example.  Concerns over under cooked food (which leads to food poisoning, diarrhea and death) explains why the British cook all vegetables for a minimum of four hours and always order steak ‘well-done’.

Earlier this week, public health officials in London answered an urgent call.  In blatant contravention of health and safety laws, the five year-old daughter of Daily Telegraph journalist Andre Spicer sold ‘home made’ lemonade to the public.  Egged on by her evil capitalist father, the young white and privileged middle-class girl decided to exploit the thirsty and underpaid proletariat by selling them her lemonade. Showing zero remorse for encouraging his daughter’s vile actions, Spicer writes:

That weekend, after 30 minutes of labouring over the blender, we had four jugs of lemonade. My daughter drew a sign with some beautiful bright yellow lemons on it. I added the prices: 50p for a small cup; £1 for a large one. After cleaning off an old table, we packed up our things and walked to the end of the street. A music festival was taking place in a nearby park, so dozens of people streamed by every minute. My daughter stood proudly in front of the table. “Who wants lemonade”, she called out. Within a minute, she had her first customer. 

The lemonade quickly disappeared and her little money tin filled up. A happy scene. And then, after about 30 minutes, four local council enforcement officers stormed up to her little table.”

What is your poison, sir?

Fortunately, this sordid story has a happy ending as the enforcement officers moved quickly to end the threat to public health:

Excuse me”, one officer said as he switched on a portable camera attached to his vest. He then read a lengthy legal statement – the gist of which was that because my daughter didn’t have a trading permit, she would be fined £150. “But don’t worry, it is only £90 if it’s paid quickly”, the officer added.

My daughter burst into tears, repeating again and again “have I done a bad thing”? (ACCREDITED TIMES COMMENT: ERRR, YES!)

After five minutes, the officers’ jobs were done and they went on their way. We packed up and made the short walk home. My daughter sobbed all the way.”

We applaud the enforcement officers’ actions. Laws on the preparation on food and drink are there precisely to avoid a repeat of the Great Plague.  Not that Mr. Spicer would give a flying fuck about that.  Consider the following possibilities, which are all too realistic:

  • The skin of the lemon is unwashed and harbours a rare but deadly disease which, if transmitted to the general population, could cause the death of hundreds of millions. Did Miss Spicer check this? No!
  • The lemon was sprayed with a non-accredited pesticide (i.e. not Monsanto), which is untested and dangerous
  • The water used to dilute the lemon juice was not fluoridated, thus posing a great health risk (and tooth decay risk) to all who consume this lethal concoction
  • Lemon Juice is known to contain lethal doses of Vitamin C, which if taken to excess can cause various health issues including cancer, multiple sclerosis, toxic liver
  • Tooth decay: because of its high citric acid content, lemon juice can literally dissolve teeth within minutes.
  • Lemon juice can cause gastroesophageal reflux disorder, symptoms of which are heartburn, nausea and vomiting.

In short, but for the actions of the public health officials, London could yet again be dealing with a plague. It may seem harsh fining a five year old girl (who presumably believed she was being entrepreneurial) 150 pounds, but this is peanuts compared to the deaths of hundreds of millions. We can only hope she has learnt her lesson: Food and drink should only ever be bought from accredited food producers.

Contrapreneur
Contrapreneur

It is good that she learned her lesson well at a young age. Imagine if this behavior had been allowed to continue. We might have another Hitler on our hands in another thirty years, or even worse, a TRUMP!!!!!

MillionDollarBonus

Imagine if everyone was allowed to freely create and sell products! It’d be absolute chaos! We have accredited supermarkets for a reason!

Black Lives Matter

London dodged a bullet this time. Look at what happened to New York in the “laissez faire” days of Republican President Herbert Hoover when King Kong decimated the city. And Japan, which continually reelects the right-wing LDP, has had multiple attacks by Godzilla, Mothra, etc. because of the lack of proper government regulation.

This white brat should be in jail.

Vladmir Putin
Vladmir Putin

Is an eunuch dictating what ID you should be carrying on you all the time, and show to law enforcement when required?
Is an eunuch dictating that you maintain a record of all transactions, to be shown to tax authorities when required?
Is an eunuch dictating that you or your child have to be vaccinated (HiB, HPV) to be in school?
Is an eunuch dictating that school curriculum should follow Common Core, with emphasis of GM crops, GM mosquitoes, vaccination, and gender fluidity?
Is an eunuch dictating that everyone should respond to Zika or Flu hysteria based on WHO protocols, and have a place disinfected with chemicals that create more issues?
Is an eunuch dictating that your “unique ID” be linked with all aspects of your life – banking, license, phones, travel?
Is an eunuch dictating every aspect of your life, to make sure you are monitored, controlled, and fully taxed, while not being able to use your knowledge, wealth, common sense and community to live stress free and resilient lives?
In that case, going after this girl with a lemonade stand, is something that has been determined by the eunuchs to be good for the safety of our “community”. Why should anyone oppose such an initiative by the eunuchs?

MillionDollarBonus

Well look at what happened to our economy under Bush’s deregulation! The biggest financial crisis in history, which had to be fixed by Obama! Capitalism always fails!.

trav777

Yes and so pernicious was Busch that the collapse started before he even got into office! It was apparently anticipating his presence!

hungrypirana
hungrypirana

You’d think she Peebierd in her lemonade.

#anti-journalism

Vladmir Putin
Vladmir Putin

She doesn’t need to do that. The antibiotics you gulp, the painkillers, phosphoric acid from Coke, prescription drugs, pesticides in your food, all mysteriously show up in drinking water. You thought that the wonderful flush toilet, made your shit disappear. And yet, lo and behold, you get the nutrients, in significant amounts, back in your tap water, without paying for it.
If that is not enough, some farmers raise their food crops from bio-sludge.

MillionDollarBonus

Wow this is outrageous! Thanks for bringing our attention to this privileged young white girl who thought she had the right to make and sell a product without the necessary accreditation. If we just let everybody sell whatever they want without oversight, people would be getting poisoned left, right and center!

Thanks to the government looking out for our health, we have fluoridated water, 50% high-fructose corn syrup baby formulas, mercury fillings and mercury-based vaccine preservatives. Anyone who doesn’t agree that our governments care about our health is a lunatic.

Thank you too for your history lesson. But just to clarify, the people who suffered the great plague, the great fire and the great war were mostly people of color right? I can’t see how they could have been white, because bad things never happen to white people.

Missy Bo Pepys
Missy Bo Pepys

A relative of mine wrote the book on London, and he survived the Great Plague by eating oysters by the barrel load, which probably explains my addiction to the slurpy sea fruit! Fascinating article, Pbier!

#speciesist

MillionDollarBonus

MURDERER!

Expat Logger
Expat Logger

Cut it out, Beau. We here in the circle of trust know exactly who you are. Your mother was a fishwife working Pembroke docks, never knew who the father was. As for all the claptrap about being a historical character who can time travel, you been watching too much Dr Who!

Missy Bo Pepys
Missy Bo Pepys

Wash your mouth, ignoramus! You can’t even spell my name correctly. In my book, every human who lived is an historical person. It’s just some are more illustrious than others.

I’ll have you know my family tree is unbroken all way back to Sam Pepys who wrote the book on The Great Plague and The Great Fire of London. He even had the foresight to make cryptic references to The Great War of 1914. (These still have to be authenticated by scholars, so he may not be the full-on visionary some claim).

trav777

Speaking of Dr. Who, FINALLY a woman! Exactly what the fans have been clamoring for en masse for 30+ years! Especially the 10 or so female fans and the nonviewing public whose social justice preferences must reign supreme.

MillionDollarBonus

The high view counts came from promotion on ZH. We now have high engagement without any promotion at all. We’ll get back to promotion at some point Anon, and then we’ll demand an apology from you.

trav777

This is because of slavery.

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