DETROIT (Accredited Times) – Welcome to Idiocracy, America. We are seriously screwed. I mean seriously, seriously screwed. First Donald Trump, and now Kid Rock? Someone please wake me up from this nightmare.
Yes, “Kid Rock” (officially known as Robert James Ritchie, 46) has set up a campaign website and expressed strong interest in running for U.S. Senate in Michigan against incumbent progressive Debbie Stabenow (D-MI). Yeah, like the U.S. Senate where, you know, real people with intelligence run the country. That one. Mr. Rock even has a campaign sign in his front lawn. I am not kidding.
Come on, you say. This has to be a hoax. Uh, hello, do you remember the Donald Trump campaign? That was supposed to be a hoax too. If a serial pussy-grabbing orange reality TV star/fascist can steal the White House from the most qualified person ever to run for office, then Mr. Rock also has a chance to win a Senate seat in White Trash America®. For any doubters, Mr. Rock has even made clear that his bid is “not a hoax”, stating (via Twitter, of course): “I have had a ton of emails and texts asking me if this website is real… kidrockforsenate.com [sic] The answer is absolute YES.”
So far, Mr. Rock has not filed a candidacy statement with the Federal Election Commission. But Mr. Rock has already become heavily involved in alt-right politics, including meeting with Donald Trump (he who colludes with Russia) and Sarah Palin (“I can see Russia from my house”) in April. Mitt Romney, a Mormon follower of African-American Joseph Smith, even used Mr. Rock’s “song”, “Born Free“, as his theme song.
But that’s not all! Now a recent poll shows Mr. Rock crushing Senator Stabenow in a head-to-head match-up, 54% to 46% among those who responded, although thankfully 44% of those polled were too nauseated by Mr. Rock’s inclusion in the poll to respond. Mr. Rock retweeted the poll from an alt-right website with the headline: “BOOM! Kid Rock LEADS In Michigan Senate Race Poll”.
Mr. Rock has indicated that he believes strongly in the full panoply of alt-right positions, including racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, furryphobia, and Islamophobia. In the 2016 election, Mr. Rock initially supported Republican Ben Carson, an Uncle Tom, for U.S. President, but he later switched his support to Donald Trump when he realized that Carson had no chance in hell in winning (and by “hell” I mean the Republican primary). Yes, I’m referring to the same Ben Carson who currently “runs” the Department of Housing and Urban Development despite having no experience in either housing or urban development.
Fortunately, progressives have a secret weapon in Senator Debbie Stabenow, 67, a career public servant who has served in elected office since 1975, immediately upon graduating with a Master of Social Work from Michigan State University. Senator Stabenow is a strong supporter of popular programs, like ObamaCare, and popular positions, like open trade and open borders, including amnesty for undocumented Americans. Thankfully, Senator Stabenow’s popular positions and stable persona are sure to propel her to victory regardless of whatever white trash candidate Trump digs up from the garbage bin next.