Cupertino, California (Accredited Times) – A specter is haunting Europe — the specter of Apple. For years, Apple has wowed consumers with iPads, iPhones, iPods, and other assorted i-products. Its years of fiscal prudence and technological innovation have swept the company into the elite among elite multinationals. Apple now has a $261.5 billion war chest.
The only question is what to do with it.
Some have advocated paying dividends. Others have advocated repurchasing stock. Still others have advocated investing more in technology, perhaps building iCars, iPlanes, and so forth. But realistically technology goes only so far. No, the war chest should be spent on the most logical expenditure: WAR.
Yes, Apple needs to use its war chest for actual war — for battle, death, and glory.
Ah, but what country to invade? There’s only one logical choice: France.
France spends just $55.7 billion every year on the military. That means Apple could easily outspend France for over 4.5 years on its war chest alone, let alone money raised from debt financing or from Apple’s other profit-making operations. And, seriously, how long would France even last, particularly against a technological giant, like Apple? In World War II, Germany invaded France on May 10, 1940; the French agreed to surrender a little over a month later, on June 17, 1940. The French like Apple a lot more than the Boche; it’s highly likely France would surrender to Apple in an even shorter time frame.
For troops, Apple could simply replicate its successful business model by hiring hoards of Chinese soldiers. Chinese soldiers only cost about $2,000 per year each. Consequently, if Apple were to allocate, say, $100 billion for troops in the first year, Apple could hire an army of 50 million Chinese soldiers. France’s entire population is just 67 million, even with millions of recent Muslim immigrants, many of whom would undoubtedly join Apple. France’s military has just over 200,000 active personnel. The war wouldn’t even be a contest.
Private corporate warfare has considerable precedent. The British East India Company initially started off like Apple as a humble multinational engaged in trade. Eventually, though, the East India Company recognized that the real money was in war and conquest. By 1803, the East India Company had raised a private army of around 260,000 soldiers — twice the size of the British army at the time. The company conquered and ruled India for over 100 years.
Julius Caesar similarly raised a private army to conquer Gaul — i.e., modern-day France. Caesar then used his army to conquer the entirety of the Roman Empire, an area covering much of the modern-day European Union.
Apple has every reason to invade France. The French and the European Union have sought to make Apple pay $14.8 billion in back taxes and have also pursued Apple for potential antitrust violations. $14.8 billion is a lot of money. Apple could hire 7.4 million Chinese troops for a year with that money. Why yield to threats from the French government when Apple could hire a much more threatening force of its own?
Some might have concerns about French “allies” coming to France’s aid. But did the French ever come to anyone’s aid in a recent war? Ha ha, no. So why would anyone help the French? Apple could parade down the Champs-Élysées, and Europe would welcome Apple with open arms. So would the French. Nuclear weapons are also not a serious concern. Apple could easily turn its headquarters into a helicarrier or some kind of other concealed fortress; French nukes would have nothing to hit. Meanwhile, Apple could easily raise its own deterrent force with real targets, like Paris, Lyon, and Marseilles.
Once Apple conquers France, it can then move onto the rest of the European Union and then the United States. Trendies love Apple. Donald Trump’s unpopularity ensures that at least half the country would join progressive Tim Cook and his victorious Chinese troops armed with machine guns stamped with Apple logos.
It’s time for Apple to spend its war chest on something useful. Apple needs to raise an army. Apple needs to invade France.