Should Apple Invade France?

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Cupertino, California (Accredited Times) – A specter is haunting Europe — the specter of Apple.  For years, Apple has wowed consumers with iPads, iPhones, iPods, and other assorted i-products.  Its years of fiscal prudence and technological innovation have swept the company into the elite among elite multinationals.  Apple now has a $261.5 billion war chest.

The only question is what to do with it.

Some have advocated paying dividends.  Others have advocated repurchasing stock.  Still others have advocated investing more in technology, perhaps building iCars, iPlanes, and so forth.  But realistically technology goes only so far.  No, the war chest should be spent on the most logical expenditure:  WAR.

Yes, Apple needs to use its war chest for actual war — for battle, death, and glory.

Ah, but what country to invade?  There’s only one logical choice:  France.

France spends just $55.7 billion every year on the military.  That means Apple could easily outspend France for over 4.5 years on its war chest alone, let alone money raised from debt financing or from Apple’s other profit-making operations.  And, seriously, how long would France even last, particularly against a technological giant, like Apple?  In World War II, Germany invaded France on May 10, 1940; the French agreed to surrender a little over a month later, on June 17, 1940.  The French like Apple a lot more than the Boche; it’s highly likely France would surrender to Apple in an even shorter time frame.

For troops, Apple could simply replicate its successful business model by hiring hoards of Chinese soldiers.  Chinese soldiers only cost about $2,000 per year each.  Consequently, if Apple were to allocate, say, $100 billion for troops in the first year, Apple could hire an army of 50 million Chinese soldiers.  France’s entire population is just 67 million, even with millions of recent Muslim immigrants, many of whom would undoubtedly join Apple.  France’s military has just over 200,000 active personnel.  The war wouldn’t even be a contest.

Private corporate warfare has considerable precedent.  The British East India Company initially started off like Apple as a humble multinational engaged in trade.  Eventually, though, the East India Company recognized that the real money was in war and conquest.  By 1803, the East India Company had raised a private army of around 260,000 soldiers — twice the size of the British army at the time.  The company conquered and ruled India for over 100 years.

Julius Caesar similarly raised a private army to conquer Gaul — i.e., modern-day France.  Caesar then used his army to conquer the entirety of the Roman Empire, an area covering much of the modern-day European Union.

Apple has every reason to invade France.  The French and the European Union have sought to make Apple pay $14.8 billion in back taxes and have also pursued Apple for potential antitrust violations.  $14.8 billion is a lot of money.  Apple could hire 7.4 million Chinese troops for a year with that money.  Why yield to threats from the French government when Apple could hire a much more threatening force of its own?

Some might have concerns about French “allies” coming to France’s aid.  But did the French ever come to anyone’s aid in a recent war?  Ha ha, no.  So why would anyone help the French?  Apple could parade down the Champs-Élysées, and Europe would welcome Apple with open arms.  So would the French.  Nuclear weapons are also not a serious concern.  Apple could easily turn its headquarters into a helicarrier or some kind of other concealed fortress; French nukes would have nothing to hit.  Meanwhile, Apple could easily raise its own deterrent force with real targets, like Paris, Lyon, and Marseilles.

Once Apple conquers France, it can then move onto the rest of the European Union and then the United States.  Trendies love Apple.  Donald Trump’s unpopularity ensures that at least half the country would join progressive Tim Cook and his victorious Chinese troops armed with machine guns stamped with Apple logos.

It’s time for Apple to spend its war chest on something useful.  Apple needs to raise an army.  Apple needs to invade France.

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35 Comments on "Should Apple Invade France?"

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Expat Logger
Expat Logger

Gangsta article BLM, with mindset of top military brass!

I got an even better plan. Why not take out Belgium first, before France? That way you kill two birds with one stone. You decapitate the European Union administration, and catch France napping by attacking them from the direction they least expect – the East. In one foul swoop!

MillionDollarBonus

The first thing we need to do is sign everyone into the TPP and TTIP to create a global court of law to settle corporate disputes. Apple can then sue France and Belgium for defamation (suggesting that they violated anti-trust laws and tarnishing their brand), and the international court can override their supreme courts. This is progressive. Trump is against the TPP, but we hate Trump and don’t say anything bad about the TPP, unless Bernie tells us to.

Anon
Anon

If Apples STARTS with France and continues conquering the rest of Europe there would be no need to sign everyone into TPP.

Everyone would be a happy drone/robot/McIntosh of the Apple family,

Kitty Kitty Bang Bang
Kitty Kitty Bang Bang

…….. its one fell swoop expert lagger … if you were a reel bush man youd no that ……….even i no it and i grew up in a swamp ………..

Missy Bo Pepys
Missy Bo Pepys

Not a good idea Logger! Belgium may be a small indefensible country that speaks French and some other unpronouceable language, but it hosts one of the most vibrant multi-ethnic communities in the EU. Where else in Europe can you sit at a street side bistro sipping strawberry beer while you tuck into the yummiest moules frites on the Continent!

MillionDollarBonus

Traditional Belgian cuisine is now Kebabs, Missy. When foreigners become a majority, they are the new culture.

Anon
Anon

I believe after Apple Conquers Norway, these foreigners could be sent to conquer the polar bears, in winter, dressed in their summer best.

#islamophobic

Expat Logger
Expat Logger

Your such a snob Beau. Some AT readers may not be quite as fluent in French as you are. You didn’t even think to translate moules frites did you? – Mussels and French Fries for us plebs

Those shell fish will be the death of you!

Missy Bo Pepys
Missy Bo Pepys

Well, Excuse My French!!

Anon
Anon

Overruled.

It would make an excellent vacation spot for Apple executives.

Pbier

I can envisage Siri replacing Macron and ruling France permanently from a virtual Élysée Palace.

MillionDollarBonus

It’d be cool of Apple or Google could create an AI bot to govern the world, instead of politicians. An AI program written by Google would be incorruptible, and would know how to govern best for the prosperity of all. We need smart-governance, to go along with smart phones, smart homes and smart self-driving cars! Humans need to be passive and made redundant, so we can get a living wage and do activism for a living.

trav777

But what would we do when the AI bot started saying hate speech or identifying blacks as gorillas?

MillionDollarBonus

We’d program it to be anti-racist and act according to the laws of identity politics and the oppression pyramid.

trav777

But it would self-destruct if we tried that. You can’t program a computer to ignore logic and reason like you can a human.

Vladmir Putin
Vladmir Putin

Facebook recently killed their AI bots, since they started talking in a new language among themselves.

If you look at AI, genetic algorithms, and related stuff, they are just hype. First few iterations they seem creative, after that they produce nothing of value. So in-spite of all the pretense by FarceBook about AI, it is dumb crap.

A VR-headset gives you headache, and leaves you in a dumbed down haze. A TV scatters your attention, reduces your ability to focus on a problem. Computers have restricted people from doing things they normally would be doing. Why do you think the mongrel eunuchs at the top make laws every micro-second? It is computers that are behind it. You make a banking software, you have to make rules to force people to do things exactly the way computer expects. So you have KYC norms, deposit and withdrawal limits, suspicious transaction reporting based on patterns, etc which limits how a person deals with his own money.

A CCTV camera, and you have to dress and walk a certain way to prevent being flagged, and shot by a cop in steroid induced rage.
GPS tracked car, and you can’t speed.

Technology, AI, and hybrid/GM crops are restricting human experience, but in our broken madness, we don’t want to see it.

MillionDollarBonus

Wow this is a great idea BLM! I don’t like corporations, but I love Apple because they are progressive. I’ve had a macbook for years with a hammer and sickle sign on the back, that I use in various hip coffee shops, and it still works great. I’d welcome this invasion if I was French, but it doesn’t really matter what the native French population think because they are dying off. We need to ask the fast-growing Muslim population what they think, as they are the future of France. I’m pretty sure they’ll like the idea as many of them have iphones with cool Islamic stickers on the back. Viva la Apple!

trav777

I agree; this idea is so ridiculously good.

The old VOC should be the model here, levy a private army and do it.

Eric Prince is back suggested private contractors be used to stabilize Afghanistan…Apple should get on board..

littleshoppinlucy
littleshoppinlucy

I’m pretty sure that Apple wouldn’t stand for refugees having their rights denied, and being put in a concentration camp, in Calais.

MillionDollarBonus

#RightsForRefugees

Anon
Anon

OI support their right of return, at gunpoint

#islamophobic

Lesboss
Lesboss

Typical of the Apple Race who think they are superior humans. This is fascism disguised as Progressivism. Thankfully I am a student of history and recognised someone who is playing one off against another whilst benefiting from both sides.
If Apple invaded France, Windows and Android would declare war on Apple. As these things always extend into long conflicts Apple would soon start to run out of resources and you could see 6 million Blackberry users murdered, well that would be the headlines.
Once Apple, Windows and Android have fought themselves into financial ruin Blackberry would quickly admit they were exaggerating about the deaths whilst demanding reparations and a total ban on criticism. They would quickly rise to the top of the tech industry and create their own country, build a wall and ban other operating systems, whilst calling for tech diversity across the rest of the world to maintain their market lead unchallenged.

trav777

That 6 million blackberry users simply isn’t supported by any kind of historical record and is a specific number that has been used many times in different contexts. It’s important to know the exact number and do critical and diligent research on any type of event that purports to have that many victims.

Unless it’s the Holocaust.

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