Copacabana Beach, Rio de Janiera (Accredited Times) – One of the greatest kept secrets in the publishing world is that news articles are all written by freelance womyn journalists (see featured image for an example of a womyn). The AT is no exception.
Sure, our articles may they appear to be written by men (and a token non-binary with a testosterone deficit) – and the ‘authors’ MDB, BLM, Rich and Pbier among others duly take the credit – but it is womyn who produce the first, second and final drafts as well as edit the foregoing. This is because womyn are better at everything, including writing accredited articles.
We men (and the non-binary, for now essentially the same thing as far as we can tell) basically sit around playing online poker, drinking beer, wondering when the womyn will finally finish writing the article so we can submit it (after adding our names as ‘authors) and then go to the pub.
Until now, the AT creative process was meant to be a closely guarded secret. Unfortunately, in yet another hard-hitting Guardian article, feminist writer Julie Bindel has revealed the secrets of the trade. We therefore feel obliged at last to reveal the truth.
Quoting the ex-model millionairess Salma Hayek, Bindel writes:
“Men do a lot less,” [Hayek] told Net-a-Porter’s magazine, The Edit, “they are less demanding on themselves and their standards are lower, yet they feel entitled to ask for a raise or a promotion.”
This will not surprise any woman who has seen her male counterparts spend an hour playing online poker before striding into the boss’s office and cockily asking for a pay rise. This is all fuel to the fire in our sexist culture. Women rarely feel good enough about themselves, and tend to feel under pressure to do more for less praise and fewer pounds. Whereas men can roll into the office looking like death in a carrier bag, women tend to be under pressure to look as fresh as a daisy.
Speaking for myself, I arrive at the AT offices around noontime, unshaven and half-naked, alcohol-induced vomit barely wiped from my chin, demanding to know where the coffee is. And my pay rise. BLM is pretty much the same, although he is higher up the oppressed pyramid than any of us so we say nothing. Both of us continuously demand pay rises from MDB, well aware that money is an issue since we decided to pay our cleaners a $40 per hour minimum wage. Meanwhile, our womyn writers carry on working, humbly producing the articles we need to survive without complaint.
Woe betide anyone who gets between me and my coffee. After my obligatory one hour lie-down, I get ready to sign any article the womyn have written during my shut eyes. First though, I need an update. Has Anon posted his usual racist/ Islamaphobic/ sexist drivel? If so, how do we contain this? Has Soros paid in his donations?
Our sense of self entitlement is astonishing. And, yet, can anyone of us Males truly claim we have ever put in a decent shift at work?
Before we can answer or indeed offer any evidence as to our work ethic, the Guardian’s Bindel once more kicks us in the proverbial balls:
“My point about men doing less and getting more money, praise (or both) is one most women are united on: men cooking. It is clear, watching men with their BBQ sets, or assembling a curry in the kitchen, that to them, cooking does not feel like “housework” in the way cleaning does. Let’s face it, if it did, they probably would not be so keen to wreck the kitchen or patio while wearing an apron adorned with a “dude with the food” slogan.
Feminists still have much left to do before we are even close to being liberated from the shackles of patriarchal privilege, and this is yet more unpaid work we women will have to undertake.”
Patriarchal privilege is everywhere. We would like to say we are above this, but our business model says otherwise. BLM claims he has ‘other ways’ of remunerating his female ‘ghost writers (and I understand they are fully satisfied) but I do wonder whether the ‘shackles’ Bindel writes about and BLM uses are strictly necessary.