Charlottesville, Virginia (Accredited Times) – For me, mornings are a series of routines. I wake up, usually around 11:00 a.m., read the New York Times editorial page, smoke a little ganja, and then head off to work at the Accredited Times. On my way, I typically pick up a copy of Street Sense, a newspaper written by the homeless, and listen to my favorite classic music, typically either Tupac or Biggie.
But Saturday morning . . . wow. Saturday morning was a morning I will never forget.
After smoking my morning ganja, I decided to head off to BronyCon. If you go to BronyCon, of course you have to wear a costume, so I decided to go as Twilight Sparkle.
The convention was amazing. There were so many gender-nonconforming people, and they overwhelmingly hated the orange tyrant, Donald J. Trump. But soon I became deeply troubled. Many bronies began talking about the civil war that Trump had launched against bronies last month. Shockingly, it looked like the first battle in the conflict would explode that very day. The place? — nearby Charlottesville, Virginia. Donald Trump had mustered the alt-right for war.
Suddenly, my iPhone lit up with text messages:
“OMG, are you going to Charlottesville?”
“Headin’ down to Charlottesville . . . BLM, you’re going, right???”
“Your Twilight Sparkle costume is sooooo cute!”
“BASH A FASH!!!”
I checked Facebook and found that Antifa was putting together a ragtag group of peaceful protesters to battle Trump. So a crew of us hopped into a Scooby van and headed to Charlottesville. The bronies were going to war.
Upon arriving in Charlottesville, my heart melted. There were so many progressives and so many bronies. Although many were white, many others were as diverse as the colors of the rainbow flags that they proudly waved. Many were fans of the Accredited Times. I saw dozens of “Black Lives Matter” T-shirts. I even recall seeing a number of “Pbier” and “MillionDollarBonus” shirts — and a “RichandRenee” shirt on a Cocker Spaniel puppy.
As I often do, I started chatting with some of the protesters about white privilege and heteronormativity. A few Antifa members were surprised that MillionDollarBonus’ doctor had prescribed testosterone replacement therapy given how evil masculinity is. They suggested paying a visit to the doctor and bashing his face if he were found to be a fascist.
All of the sudden, I saw a gaggle of boomers waving Confederate flags over a hill on our Eastern flank. They were definitely alt-right all right. Civil war had begun: North versus South, brother against non-brothers, bronies against non-bronies.
With the boomers approaching, I did what any peaceful progressive protester would do. I decided to exercise my First Amendment rights — this time by burning the Confederate flags right in their fat white faces. I quickly fashioned a mini-flamethrower and started firing it at the flags. The cowardly alt-right scattered like a pack of scared wild animals.
The bronies had won Round 1.
I then noticed that I still had some glitter on my jeans from my Twilight Sparkle costume earlier at BronyCon. Plus, it was hot outside, so I decided to change into some shorts.
When I returned, the Accredited Times fans in the crowd cheered and started chanting “Black Lives Matter! Black Lives Matter! Black Lives Matter!” Damn, it feels so good to be an accredited journalist. It’s like being 50 Cent.
As an accredited journalist, I decided to lead the crowd in another chant. I started yelling, “Our streets! Our streets! Our streets!”
Suddenly, in a fit of Trumpian anti-journalistic sentiment, a white male in a gray Dodge Challenger floored his car and tried to run over me. I leaped over the car Kobe-style and fell onto the road. Thank God, I was wearing my Air Jordans. Unfortunately, some of the white Antifa protestors and a few thicker African-American sistas didn’t have the same leaping abilities.
The casualty toll was shocking. Many peaceful Antifa protestors had hand injuries from attacking the violent alt-right Nazis. I barely escaped with just a few scrapes on my booty, feeling violated like Taylor Swift. Fortunately, the pain wasn’t as bad given the medical marijuana that I had sampled that morning.
There is only one person to blame for this vicious, unprovoked terrorist attack: DONALD J. TRUMP. Trump must be impeached NOW.