My Experience In Charlottesville

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A picture of me exercising my First Amendment rights by burning Confederate flags.


Charlottesville, Virginia (Accredited Times) – For me, mornings are a series of routines.  I wake up, usually around 11:00 a.m., read the New York Times editorial page, smoke a little ganja, and then head off to work at the Accredited Times.  On my way, I typically pick up a copy of Street Sense, a newspaper written by the homeless, and listen to my favorite classic music, typically either Tupac or Biggie.

But Saturday morning . . . wow.  Saturday morning was a morning I will never forget.

After smoking my morning ganja, I decided to head off to BronyCon.  If you go to BronyCon, of course you have to wear a costume, so I decided to go as Twilight Sparkle.

Twilight Sparkle from My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic.  My costume had a purple horn and pink and purple mane, just like Twilight Sparkle.

The convention was amazing.  There were so many gender-nonconforming people, and they overwhelmingly hated the orange tyrant, Donald J. Trump.  But soon I became deeply troubled.  Many bronies began talking about the civil war that Trump had launched against bronies last month.  Shockingly, it looked like the first battle in the conflict would explode that very day.  The place? — nearby Charlottesville, Virginia.  Donald Trump had mustered the alt-right for war.

Suddenly, my iPhone lit up with text messages:

“OMG, are you going to Charlottesville?”

“Headin’ down to Charlottesville . . . BLM, you’re going, right???”

“Your Twilight Sparkle costume is sooooo cute!”

“BASH A FASH!!!”

I checked Facebook and found that Antifa was putting together a ragtag group of peaceful protesters to battle Trump.  So a crew of us hopped into a Scooby van and headed to Charlottesville.  The bronies were going to war.

Upon arriving in Charlottesville, my heart melted.  There were so many progressives and so many bronies.  Although many were white, many others were as diverse as the colors of the rainbow flags that they proudly waved.  Many were fans of the Accredited Times.  I saw dozens of “Black Lives Matter” T-shirts.  I even recall seeing a number of “Pbier” and “MillionDollarBonus” shirts — and a “RichandRenee” shirt on a Cocker Spaniel puppy.

As I often do, I started chatting with some of the protesters about white privilege and heteronormativity.  A few Antifa members were surprised that MillionDollarBonus’ doctor had prescribed testosterone replacement therapy given how evil masculinity is.  They suggested paying a visit to the doctor and bashing his face if he were found to be a fascist.

All of the sudden, I saw a gaggle of boomers waving Confederate flags over a hill on our Eastern flank.  They were definitely alt-right all right.  Civil war had begun:  North versus South, brother against non-brothers, bronies against non-bronies.

With the boomers approaching, I did what any peaceful progressive protester would do.  I decided to exercise my First Amendment rights — this time by burning the Confederate flags right in their fat white faces.  I quickly fashioned a mini-flamethrower and started firing it at the flags.  The cowardly alt-right scattered like a pack of scared wild animals.

The bronies had won Round 1.

I then noticed that I still had some glitter on my jeans from my Twilight Sparkle costume earlier at BronyCon.  Plus, it was hot outside, so I decided to change into some shorts.

When I returned, the Accredited Times fans in the crowd cheered and started chanting “Black Lives Matter!  Black Lives Matter!  Black Lives Matter!”  Damn, it feels so good to be an accredited journalist.  It’s like being 50 Cent.

As an accredited journalist, I decided to lead the crowd in another chant.  I started yelling, “Our streets!  Our streets!  Our streets!”

Suddenly, in a fit of Trumpian anti-journalistic sentiment, a white male in a gray Dodge Challenger floored his car and tried to run over me.  I leaped over the car Kobe-style and fell onto the road.  Thank God, I was wearing my Air Jordans.  Unfortunately, some of the white Antifa protestors and a few thicker African-American sistas didn’t have the same leaping abilities.

A picture of me falling after I had jumped over the attacker’s car Kobe-style.  Thank God, I was wearing my Air Jordans.

Thicker African-American sistas, like the one in the picture above, were unable to leap over the speeding Dodge Challenger.  It looks like she forgot to pump up her Reeboks.

The casualty toll was shocking.  Many peaceful Antifa protestors had hand injuries from attacking the violent alt-right Nazis.  I barely escaped with just a few scrapes on my booty, feeling violated like Taylor Swift.  Fortunately, the pain wasn’t as bad given the medical marijuana that I had sampled that morning.

Donald J. Trump is responsible for the casualties in Charlottesville.

There is only one person to blame for this vicious, unprovoked terrorist attack:  DONALD J. TRUMP.  Trump must be impeached NOW.

hungrypirana
hungrypirana

Robert E. Lee did better than y’all.

trav777

Trump was the one driving that car!!!

Pbier

It’s fantastic to know that the Accredited Times is now a World Phenomenon. Literally, everyone around the world is wearing tshirts displaying the names of our accredited journalists (albeit that World seems to be understood here in the same sense that there is a ‘world series’ of baseball,which is played throughout the World aka North America)

Well done in keeping your cool in burning the racist flags, BLM. There is nothing wrong in nonviolent protestors using violence against the oppressor.

MillionDollarBonus

BLM was totally justified in using violence in my opinion, because it’s self defense against the STRUCTURAL violence of capitalism and white males. Structural violence is violence committed by people progressives don’t like, even though no actual violent act was committed.

jfb

I thought you were planning to participate to this charity baseball game too. I saw one of the video of the events, the one that last 18 seconds here https://www.rt.com/usa/399473-charlottesville-car-rampage-video/ ( please, do not view anything else on this disgusting website).. Anyway, if you watch the video you say “it takes a real moron to ram his car against the baseball team of the ‘march for tolerance’ “

MillionDollarBonus

The baseball bats were for self defense against structural violence caused by capitalism and whiteness.

ExpatLogger
ExpatLogger

To my mind, the twin lessons to be drawn from BLM’s Charlottesville experience are: when stepping out to protest, da brothers must always wear Air Jordans, and da sistas never forget to pump up dair Reeboks.

It’s all there in the small print. This is such a pumped up article BLM, it’s out-right inspiring for a man of the woods like me!

MillionDollarBonus

Donald Trump’s RHETORIC caused this, just like it did during the Chicago riots! When are progressives going to wake up and realize that we are at WAR with conservatives and white America?? The confederate flag is RACIST and needs to be BANNED! ALL statues of white slave-owners need to be TORN DOWN and replaced with PEOPLE OF COLOR who BUILT AMERICA! There should be no countries for white people because everything white people have is STOLEN from other races with far better conceptual thinking skills and ingenuity, particularly sub-Saharan Africans, who were literally KINGS in Egypt!

Pbier

You are so right! But, listen. A nice lady nurse will be along in a few minutes to give you a nice injection. It’s to try to lower your testosterone levels and reduce your use of CAPITAL letters. Please be nice to her when she arrives…it’s just to make you feel better. Ok?

MillionDollarBonus

I’m doing my best to calm down Pbier, but I just feel so ANGRY at conservatives and white males who are ALL collectively to blame for this! Don’t worry my testosterone is dropping fast on the raw vegan juice diet. I’m thinking of becoming a breatharian too soon, which should get rid of all the hormones, not just testosterone.

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