Washington, D.C. (Accredited Times) – On August 21, 2017 a total solar eclipse will occur. It will be the first total solar eclipse visible from the contiguous United States since 1979. Unfortunately, if the past is any guide, this solar eclipse will likely cause massive harm to animals, including wreaking havoc on sleep schedules and other important diurnal cycles.
Solar eclipses have a long history of causing adverse effects to animal health. In 1544, one report indicated that “birds ceased singing” during a solar eclipse. In 1560, another shocking report even said that “birds fell to the ground.”
In 1932, researchers found that bees had returned to their hives during a solar eclipse. In 1991, Mexican orb-weaving spiders took down their webs and started rebuilding them minutes later when the eclipse had ended.
Zoos commonly see animals acting more impulsively during solar eclipses than Donald Trump on a tweet-storm. In 2012, twenty lemurs in a Japanese zoo skipped breakfast and jumped up and down wildly like Melania Trump on a stripper pole. Caretakers have also seen elephants return to their sleeping areas and chimps staring at the sky “baffled by what was going on,” according to Bruce Stein of the National Wildlife Federation.
Progressives cannot allow this threat to animal health to continue any longer.
As progressives, we know that the government can solve all problems simply by passing new laws. Want to end gun crime? Just pass a law banning guns. Want to end poverty? Just pass a law redistributing wealth from the rich to the poor. Want to make food, gasoline, and housing more affordable? Just pass a law imposing price controls on food, gasoline, and housing. Want to increase people’s wages? Just pass a law imposing a living wage. Want to keep prices stable? Just pass a law establishing a central bank that manages the money supply. Want to end climate change? Just pass a law that ends climate change with carbon credits and other symbolic measures. Want to deliver affordable healthcare for all? Just pass the Affordable Care Act. The results speak for themselves, especially in view of progressive success stories like Venezuela. In the same regard, all we need to do is simply pass a law banning solar eclipses, and the problem will be solved, particularly if we allocate a few trillion dollars for bureaucrats to regulate the issue with “eclipse credits” and other similar enforcement mechanisms.
Conservatives often contend that the government should only pass laws that comport with their warped, racist view of reality. Citing the Declaration of Independence, they love to contend that the government should only pass laws consistent with “the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God”, including “certain unalienable Rights” granted by a make-believe “Creator”.
As progressives, however, we know better. As the legal realist schools at Yale, Harvard, and Columbia Law Schools have taught us, “the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God” do not really exist. Rights come from government, not God. Moreover, the Constitution is a living, breathing document subject to revision by progressive judicial activists. In addition, even mentioning the Declaration of Independence is racist because it was written by a white slave-owner from the South and signed by a bunch of Bible thumpers.
Simply put, progressives are right, and conservatives are racist. With progressives in charge, government can write whatever laws we want to solve whatever problems we have.
It’s time to ban solar eclipses NOW.