Austin Texas, once the epicenter of guns, beer, 4×4’s and right wing bigotry, is rapidly transforming into one of the trendiest progressive hot spots in America, thanks to a flood of progressive immigrants from California, Mexico and progressive enclaves throughout the country. Rodeos are being torn down to make room for trendy coffee shops, gun shops are making way for designer clothing stores, large houses with families lead by shotgun-wielding fathers in the back yard are being replaced by minimalist apartments with lonely progressives in dark rooms watching Game of Thrones, and pickup trucks are rapidly becoming outnumbered by bicycles and Priuses.
Although the idea of living in Texas might seem daunting to a typical city progressive, left-wingers are also secretly in love with the cowboy image. Many want to be Texans, but also want to be Democrats. Progressives are all about image, and many beta male progressives have a masculinity complex that they are desperately trying to rectify with hipster beards and lumber jack shirts, and the cowboy image has a masculine allure. They want to wear cowboy hats, cowboy boots, and carry a six shooter (one without real bullets of cause), and strut around town looking tough. They’ll of course top it off with a feminine touch though, by gelling back their hair in metrosexual fashion, and wearing the infamous progressive skinny jeans. They also won’t be riding on horse back as this is animal abuse, and barbecues will be strictly vegan. Right wingers will be annoyed that their masculine image is being tarnished by effeminate progressive males, but there’s nothing they can do about it.
Luckily for progressives with cowboy fantasies, like-minded people are reaching a critical mass in Austin. After many decades of oppressive white rule, Austin is rapidly becoming one of the most diverse states in America, with a vibrant Hispanic population, the majority of whom are Democrats, and support open borders, so that their friends, family and countrymen can join them in the promised land. In addition to the thriving Hispanic population, many progressives are fleeing California for opportunity, for unknown reasons, and many have found Austin, with it’s warm climate and close proximity to home, to be an ideal choice for emigration. The California progressives who have flooded Austin have brought with them their left wing views, new age spiritual beliefs, sexual liberation and a variety of hip fashion trends. Gun-toting right wingers with roots in Austin dating back to its founding years now find themselves quite out of place, as hipsters peruse past them on old-fashioned bicycles, busy feminist cubicle workers walk briskly to their offices sipping jumbo size lattes, and hip college protesters fill the streets, protesting about minimum wages and racism. As a progressive, you now feel most welcome in the streets of Austin, with plenty of wholefoods stores, designer clothing stores and hip coffee shops filled with students and bright young startup founders developing million dollar apps on their MacBooks with hammer and sickle stickers. White males in their pickup trucks have been relegated to the outskirts of Austin where their traditional beliefs are still somewhat acceptable, as progressives continue to amass and multiply.
Like a virus, progressives thrive in societies created by white male conservatives, tearing down antiquated rules and inspiring revolutions to flatten unequal capitalist meritocracies. Wherever white male capitalists create a society, you can bet progressives will be there, complaining about inequality and bigotry, and tearing at its unjust fabric. If your society isn’t perfect in every way, progressives will be complaining about its injustices, and explaining why the proletariat, minorities, women and everyone apart from the people who built it (white males) deserve the fruits of capitalist exploitation. Austin is a strategic location for progressives, and as we expand our influence from there outwards, with the help of the high-birth-rate Hispanic population, Texas will rapidly become a blue state, and right wingers and white male capitalists will have to shut up and accept progress. So if you want to follow the latest metro redneck fashion trend, while doing your part to bring one of the most backward hick states into the 21st Century, why not move to Austin? You will be welcomed with open arms by the thriving immigrant population, and you can spend warm Texas nights under the stars with a craft beer while grilling some tofu dogs with your metrosexual cowboy buddies, while listening to some modern progressive country music – yee-haw!