The Democrat Playbook

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As the media has made clear, progressives are the good guys.  We’re always right.  We’re also hip, cool, and trendy.  That said, we need a good playbook to ensure that progressive candidates win no matter what.  With that in mind, here are some key points from the Democrat Playbook.  Follow these points, and we’ll be a progressive one-party state in no time!

  1. Always call your opponent racist, sexist, xenophobic, homophobic, and Islamophobic.
  2. Also call your opponent an idiot, fascist, paranoid, etc. — whatever names you think work best.  Focus on character attacks — not policy.
  3. Use anecdotal examples of extremists who allegedly support your opponent to portray him or her as sharing the same views (e.g., David Duke, the KKK, etc.).
  4. Select a political associate of your opponent for a public demonization campaign.  Attack your real target using guilt by association (e.g., use Steve “The Grim Reaper” Bannon to attack Donald Trump).
  5. Vigorously support the Federal Reserve and oppose any efforts at imposing checks on the Federal Reserve in order to draw major financial support from elites in the financial industry.  Blame your opponent for the “gap between the rich and poor.”
  6. Vigorously support open trade and open borders in order to draw major financial support from major importers (e.g., Apple), foreign countries (e.g., China), and families of undocumented workers.  Blame your opponent for “outsourcing” and the lack of “good-paying jobs.”
  7. Award extreme no-bid contracts to government unions while in office in order to draw major financial support and get-out-the-vote support from unions.  Blame your opponent for the “unbalanced budget” caused by your profligacy.
  8. When speaking to a largely white audience, blame “the rich” for everything and say that we could solve all of the country’s problems if only the rich “paid their fair share.”
  9. When speaking to a largely minority audience, blame “White Privilege” for everything and say that we could solve all of the country’s problems if only we had equality.
  10. When speaking to a largely female audience, blame men for everything and say that we could solve all of the country’s problems if only we had “equal pay for equal work.”
  11. When speaking to a largely Muslim audience, blame “Islamophobia” for everything and say that we could solve all of the country’s problems if only we followed the underlying message of the “religion of peace.”
  12. When speaking to a largely LGBTQ+ audience, blame “homophobia” for everything and say that we could solve all of the country’s problems if only we had gender and sexual orientation equality.
  13. Aggressively interpret campaign finance laws in your own campaign so as to avoid all real limitations on fundraising — while interpreting the same laws aggressively against your opponent.
  14. Aggressively push for more campaign laws to limit your opponent’s ability to raise funds even further while blaming your opponent for “big money” in politics.
  15. Seed the bureaucracy with cronies who will never prosecute you for anything, making sure that all political-related cases are handled by them (e.g., James Comey).
  16. Have billionaires who are allied with you buy up media companies to support you (e.g., Carlos Slim’s ownership of the New York Times).  Exchange media support for government approvals, government contracts, and favorable policy.
  17. Use your financial advantage to buy off huge amounts of advertising space from media companies, making them even more predisposed in your favor.
  18. When in office, bribe the media to give you favorable coverage by giving them access to new stories.
  19. Push for media companies to hire your former campaign team as journalists (e.g., George Stephanopoulos).  Keep them on the payroll while they act as journalists (e.g., Sidney Blumenthal), and threaten to withdraw advertising from the media if they refuse to hire your former campaign team or treat you favorably.
  20. Coordinate your campaign message with media “friendlies,” using the “mockingbird effect.”  Make sure that they use the same buzzwords, like “racist,” “Russia,” “hacked the election,” “lack of empathy,” “lack of gravitas,” “intersectionality,” “White Privilege,” “dog whistle,” “code word,” etc.  Using the same buzzwords helps the propaganda message stick.
  21. Block unfavorable reporters from receiving breaking news stories.  Use threats, wiretapping, and other controls to ensure that no one reports anything unfavorable.
  22. Have multiple cronies contact media friendlies so they can run stories based on “multiple” anonymous sources, claiming that the story has been “corroborated.”
  23. Pay off pollsters to run polls with Democrat-friendly sample selections and biased questions designed to elicit pro-Democrat responses.
  24. Have media friendlies print results from phony polls in order to use the “bandwagon effect” to win more votes.
  25. Use focus groups to test campaign messaging.  Hire your own private pollsters to run polls to test messaging.  Never release unfavorable results to the public.
  26. Have media friendlies distort coverage of your events to exaggerate support.  For example, work with a friendly celebrity rockstar to give a concert at one of your rallies, and then have media friendlies print stories about 20,000 people coming to visit you — with pictures of the enormous crowd.  Conversely, make sure media friendlies never show the crowds of your opponent when he or she outdraws you.
  27. Hire private investigators to dig up dirt on opponents.  Seek to unseal divorce records, bankruptcy filings, and anything else negative.  Try to win by disqualifying opponents from even running.
  28. If you can’t find any dirt, pay off trailer trash or crazy people to make up fake allegations and then have media friendlies print the allegations as true.  Coordinate the allegations so that multiple people come out with the same allegations at the same time, further enhancing their credibility.  If possible, have these people file lawsuits to add further legitimacy to the allegations.
  29. Have friendly lawyers file as many lawsuits as possible to attack your opponent and drain your opponent of funds through “lawfare.”  Don’t worry about sanctions for filing frivolous suits.  Progressive judges will always let you off the hook.
  30. Oppose any efforts at tort reform so as to gain the support of trial lawyers.
  31. Start wars and international crises immediately before elections so as to win votes through the “rally ’round the flag effect.”  Blame international scapegoats, like Russia and Syria, for starting the wars or crises.
  32. Enter into treaties with enemy countries where the United States gives billions of dollars in exchange for fake promises, such as halting nuclear weapons programs (e.g., Barack Obama’s agreement with Iran and Bill Clinton’s 1994 agreement with North Korea).  Use the issue to pretend that you are an effective leader and peacemaker, like Gandhi.
  33. Always favor expanded welfare spending so you can claim to be in favor of the “little guy” while also garnering the support of major business interests that benefit from the expenditures.
  34. Always support expanded regulations so you can use bureaucratic approvals to extract more campaign finance support from businessmen looking for project approvals.
  35. Focus regulatory and spending efforts on urban areas.  Urban areas have more votes and more money than “flyover country.”
  36. Pretend to be against deeply unpopular positions that you actually hold, but then use activist judges and unelected bureaucrats to implement those same positions (e.g., gun control, LGBTQ+ marriage, etc.).  When a court rules in your favor, say that the “issue is settled” and that “it’s time to move on.”
  37. Any time a disaster hits, blame your opponent.
  38. Any time a disaster hits, say that your opponent has mismanaged the situation and shown a lack of empathy.
  39. In fact, always blame your opponent for everything, including the weather.
  40. Any time your opponent raises questions about unethical behavior, laugh and treat it like a joke.  If you opponent persists, call him or her an “extremist” or “conspiracy theorist.”
  41. Hire teams of unofficial campaign workers to engage in “black hat” political operations, including arranging “astroturf” protests, illegally busing voters into important areas, illegally bribing homeless people for votes (typically with cigarettes/alcohol), picking fights with your opponent’s supporters at rallies, blocking roads, and even starting riots.  Blame your opponent for any violence and attack anyone as racist if they question your activities.
  42. Vigorously oppose any efforts at reigning in voter fraud.
  43. Claim that it’s ludicrous to believe that voter fraud is an issue, even where the number of votes counted exceeds the number of votes by large margins.
  44. Claim that efforts to reign in voter fraud are racist.  Use the courts to overturn any such laws.
  45. Support progressive “Republicans” in places where Democrats stand little-to-no chance of winning.
  46. Have media friendlies prop up progressive “Republicans” with more media attention, treating them as if they were important leaders.  Their political positions will help lower turnout from conservatives and also move the needle on public debate further in your favor.
  47. Have allied media organizations seed the media with fake “conservatives” that also just happen to agree with you on all of the major issues (e.g., Charles Krauthammer).  They will play the role of the “Washington Generals” to your “Harlem Globetrotters.”
  48. Pretend that only two positions exist on any issue — your position and the position of the fake “conservatives.”  Ignore libertarian and other small government positions.
  49. Work with friendlies in other establishment organizations (e.g., academia) to blackball potential political opponents and only hire allies.  Focus on capturing leading organizations so as to pressure other organizations to follow suit (e.g., Harvard, Columbia, and Yale).
  50. Insist on debates only with media friendlies as moderators.  Have media friendlies ask questions in line with your focus-group-tested positions.
  51. Use media friendlies on the inside to give you the questions before debates.  Prepare focus-group-tested responses in advance.
  52. Arrange to have fake “opponents” in primaries in order to deter real opponents from joining the race and to make it seem like you won as a “moderate” in a tough contest.  Pay off your fake opponent after the election with plum committee assignments or other benefits.
  53. Loot as much money as you can while in political office — for yourself, your friends, and your family members.  The money will help fund campaigns and help you use business contacts for even more funding.  Money is power.
  54. Nurture relationships with other career politicians.  Since career politicians ordinarily have no other career on which to fall back, they will almost always support you if you have enough money and power.  Always oppose term limits.
  55. Nurture relationships with celebrities so that you can seem hip, cool, and trendy.
  56. Pressure major companies to support you and oppose your opponents by threatening them.  For example, while calling your opponent “racist,” have allies in “civil rights” organizations threaten to file class action lawsuits against major companies for discrimination.  Then extract money from the companies as “donations” for the “civil rights” organizations, which can be used to support your campaign.
  57. Pressure major companies to censor your opponents on social media and the Internet.  Organize campaigns of paid people at “nonprofit” organizations to harass companies if they provide services for your opponents (e.g., PayPal, ISP services, etc.).
  58. Use government spending to fund your political allies — for example, through Congressional appropriations or even through extracting promises by companies to fund allied “nonprofits” in settlement agreements involving alleged unlawful activity (e.g., Planned Parenthood).  Doing so essentially institutionalizes progressivism.
  59. Always vote for bigger government.  Bigger government means more power and more money for you.
  60. Think like Machiavelli.  Pretend to be Gandhi.
Spike Lee
Spike Lee

The Democrat Party is impossible to parody. This is literally their playbook.

#accredited-times-pick

MillionDollarBonus

This isn’t parody. We are real progressives. Join us or prepare to be crushed by the revolution!

Pbier

Wow,what a great list of suggestions! It’s hard to add to the list but maybe #61 after the day is done, relax over a spirit cooking evening or else dine out at Comet Ping Pong Pizza and indulge in all your favorite toppings.

Shitty
Shitty

You forgot to mention Satanophobic. That’s my favorite

MillionDollarBonus

Satanophobia is a REAL problem! Satanists are not bad people they just have different beliefs from you, you bigot!

Google AdSense Police Force
Google AdSense Police Force

This is either plagiarism or another DNC leak. Either way, this article should be removed.

Shitty
Shitty

A Leak. Russians did it

Shitty
Shitty

After previous data breach dems changed password “password”. New password was “123456”

MillionDollarBonus

Wow, what an incredibly comprehensive playbook, BLM! It doesn’t matter that we’ve revealed how duplicitous and immoral we are. Anyone who refers us back to this list can be called a conspiracy theorist, and most reasonable people will agree with us.

Another rule, we should add (maybe I missed it), is that if people become too much of a threat, we should just kill them, like it seems the Clintons have done many times.

hungrypirana
hungrypirana

A goose-steppers’ manifesto. Trump can upend this entire playbook with a few tweets. Thinking is dangerous to progressives.

Vladmir Putin
Vladmir Putin

Take some regulation, tax regulations are some of the best. Read it, much better comedy, than what BLM has come up with.

Sir Loin of Hillary
Sir Loin of Hillary

With these guidelines in place, we can’t lose.

Sir Loin of Hillary
Sir Loin of Hillary

Anon…slowest uptake in the West.

wpDiscuz