As the mainstream media has explained, anyone who refuses to take a knee against the American flag and the national anthem is a racist. Police brutality is the #1 issue facing America today. People of Color are constantly being gunned down for no good reason except the thrill that police officers get by shooting innocent African-Americans.
But let’s get real. Taking a knee is only symbolic. Symbols matter because they force those who accept them to recognize the justice of our cause. But now it’s time for the NFL to turn symbols into substance. Taking a knee alone is simply not enough. As the world’s foremost spokesman for the Black Lives Matter movement, I have accepted the righteous call from my brothers and sisters to lay out the following demands for our movement. Here they are for all the world to see:
- Reparations: The NFL must pay reparations to People of Color NOW. For years, the NFL has taken money from public treasuries to pay for glitzy new stadiums populated by largely white audiences instead of paying for schools, roads, and welfare for People of Color. The NFL must return that money to our communities NOW.
- Affirmative Action: NFL attendance policies have caused significant harm to People of Color. Although 70% of players are black males, very few audience members are black, let alone black males. Consequently, at least 70% of current tickets should be given to black males so that we can watch our own athletes play. To avoid sexism, an equal number of tickets would also have to be given to black womyn. I know that that equals a total of 140%, which is more tickets than are available, but you all can figure out how the math works. The point is that there simply are not enough African-Americans attending NFL games, and more will always need to be done to reach the ideal level of 140%.
- No Justice, No Peace: The NFL has now embraced the freedom of speech. But what about the right to a jury trial? Commissioner Roger Goodell has repeatedly censured players without a jury trial and often without any real evidence for minor crimes, like wife-beating, drug use, and child abuse. These players should receive a jury of their peers in a full evidentiary hearing. In addition, consistent with our cause, the players should be offered COUNSELING instead of being PUNISHED for these supposed “crimes.” It’s not the player’s fault when he beats his wife. It’s White Privilege.
- Equal Pay for Equal Work: People of Color have repeatedly noted the lack of African-American quarterbacks — typically the highest paid players on NFL football teams. People of Color have also repeatedly noted the lack of African-American coaches; again these are highly paid positions in careers that typically last much longer than the careers of the average NFL player. In contrast, many stadium workers, including restaurant workers and janitors, are African-American. These workers put in the same time as white quarterbacks on game day, yet they generally receive much lower wages. They should receive the exact same compensation from NFL owners as white quarterbacks. Equal pay for equal work!
- End Racial Discrimination: Currently, almost all NFL owners and front office personnel are white. Again, that is simply an unacceptable vestige of White Privilege. In a league where 70% of players are black, at least 70% of owners and front office personnel should be black as well. The NFL should redistribute franchises to People of Color to remedy this ongoing racial discrimination.
- End Police Brutality: In a famous incident, Colin Kaepernick, the leader of the kneeling movement, wore socks with police officers depicted as pigs. Notably, the NFL has repeatedly focused on various uniform issues, including cracking down on players wearing cleats honoring the victims of the 9/11 White Privilege attack. If the NFL is going to follow Kaepernick in kneeling against the national anthem, then the NFL also needs to mandate that all players wear Kaepernick’s pig socks. Also, since police officers are the problem, all police and security personnel should be removed from stadiums on game day.
- End Sexism and Transphobia: The Black Lives Matter movement isn’t just about ending police brutality. Our movement is also about ending discrimination against black womyn and blacks in the LGBTQQIAPABCDEFG+ community. The NFL needs to take several steps to end this discrimination. First, half the players should be womyn or at least self-identify as womyn. Second, at least 10% should belong to the LGBTQQIAPABCDEFG+ community and 1% should self-identify as transgender with representation as well from each of the 72 genders. Third, bathroom sexism needs to end; men, womyn, and non-binaries should all be able to use the same bathrooms. Fourth, the NFL should ditch the American flag altogether and replace it with the Gay Pride flag — to be clear, I’m referring to the new flag that was recently updated to reflect diversity.
- Globalism: The Black Lives Matter movement has also made clear that globalism is a key element of our platform. We see ourselves as part of a global community of People of Color. Under these circumstances, how can the NFL possibly justify having all thirty-two of its teams in one racist country, the United States of America? The NFL has been very open about moving teams for capitalistic monetary reasons, including recently moving two teams to Los Angeles and one team to Las Vegas. It’s now time for the NFL to move teams for diversity reasons. Teams should be located all around the world. For example, Lagos, Nigeria has a much larger population than Dallas, Texas. Consequently, the Dallas Cowboys should be forced to move (under new black ownership) to Lagos. Also, the name “Cowboys” is both sexist and anti-vegan, so the name should be changed to the “Lagos Vegans” or something like that.
- End the Violence: Progressives have repeatedly pointed out recently that NFL football is a violent sport that causes brain damage. Will Smith even made a movie about it. Allowing this “game” to continue is simply unacceptable. How many scientists, inventors, neurosurgeons, and community organizers are we losing to this sport? Under Roger Goodell, the NFL has changed the rules of the game to increase offense — in an effort to line the pockets of greedy capitalist owners. Now it’s time to change the rules to make the game safer. Tackling and hitting should be eliminated. Players instead should hug other players and give them love pats, particularly on their bottoms, as NFL players constantly do today anyway. The violence must end NOW.
These are but a few changes that the NFL must make for us even to start negotiating. The NFL has kneeled to our politically correct demands. Now it’s time for the NFL to put their money where their knees are.