The following is a transcript from a courtroom proceeding taken in June 2066. The transcript reveals the amazing progress that we will continue to take with amazing progressive politicians in charge of what is currently a not-so-amazing country.
Bailiff: All rise! The Shariah Law Family Court for FEMA Region 3 is now in session, the Honorable Rosemary Al Masri presiding. Your Honor, today’s case is a divorce proceeding — Muhammad versus Muhammad.
– Judge enters and sits in the judge’s chair in the courtroom. –
Bailiff: You may be seated!
Judge Al Masri: Thank you. Bailiff, uhhhhh, what is the docket number here? And what are the full names of the parties?
Bailiff: Docket Number 666. The case was filed on June 6, 2066. Plaintiff is Trigglypuff Hillary Rodham Muhammad. Defendant is Muhammad Jihad Muhammad. Plaintiff Trigglypuff is suing for a divorce.
Judge Al Masri: Thank you. I recall that Plaintiff Trigglypuff was going to take the stand today for the airing of grievances? Is that correct?
Defendant’s Counsel (representing Mr. Muhammad): That’s correct, your Honor.
Plaintiff’s Counsel (representing Trigglypuff): Sí, se puede.
Judge Al Masri: Gracias. Defendant’s counsel, you may proceed.
Defendant’s Counsel: Defendant calls Plaintiff Trigglypuff Hillary Rodham Muhammad to the stand for the airing of grievances!
– Trigglypuff takes the stand. –
Defendant’s Counsel: Thank you, Mx. Trigglypuff. Before we begin, would you please state your preferred pronouns for the record.
Trigglypuff: My pronouns are they, them, and theirs. I am a feminist, and I don’t take any attitude from anyone, especially white male pigs like you.
Defendant’s Counsel: Thank you. I apologize for being a white male. Please understand that I can never make up for the centuries of racism, sexism, xenophobia, homophobia, and Islamophobia that I have caused. If it’s not too triggering, could you please begin by describing how your marriage to Mr. Muhammad initially arose.
Trigglypuff: Well, six months ago, Mr. Muhammad and I decided to go to Las Vegas and get married. However, when we arrived, we noticed that our hotel was next to some hotel where a White Privilege attack had occurred years ago. We were so triggered that we left. We wanted to go to San Francisco instead, but we realized that it would take weeks to bike there. It also would have been very difficult because my registered ObamaCare provider recently diagnosed me with Adiposity Surplus Disorder and Body Dysmorphic Disorder. So we ended up going to another hotel and getting married there. It was really hot outside because of global warming.
Defendant’s Counsel: So you have been married for six whole months?
Trigglypuff: That’s correct.
Defendant’s Counsel: Wow, six months.
Plaintiff’s Counsel: Plaintiff’s counsel would like to make a note for the record that Defendant’s counsel recognizes the unusual length of the marriage, which reflects the special efforts that Mx. Trigglypuff put into making the relationship work.
Judge Al Masri: Any objections?
Defendant’s Counsel: No, your Honor. Now, Mx. Trigglypuff, you are the fourth spouse of Mr. Muhammad — is that correct?
Defendant’s Counsel: Do you have any brothers or sisters?
Plaintiff’s Counsel: OBJECTION, SEXISM! SEXISM!
Defendant’s Counsel: I mean . . . do you have any sisters, brothers, or non-binary siblings?
Plaintiff’s Counsel: It’s too late! He already raped us! MICROAGGRESSION! RAPE! RAPE!
Jurors: NO JUSTICE! NO PEACE! NO JUSTICE! NO PEACE! (continue chanting)
– Jurors start destroying the courtroom. –
Judge Al Masri: Order! Order! (beats gavel repeatedly)
– Jurors stop destroying the courtroom and go silent. –
Judge Al Masri: I said “Order”! That means you need to protest harder!
– Jurors start destroying the courtroom again. –
Jurors: MY BODY, MY CHOICE! MY BODY, MY CHOICE! (continue chanting)
Judge Al Masri: Well, Mr. White Male, you think you can just waltz into this courtroom and spout off your bigoted hate speech? This is a courtroom! We believe in civil rights! Offffff with his head! (pointing beneath his belt)
Defendant’s Counsel: But, but, don’t I get a trial? I mean it’s not like I’m Donald Trump or . . .
– Courtroom gasps in unison and goes silent. –
Judge Al Masri: What did you just say?
Defendant’s Counsel: I just said that I’m not Donald . . .
Judge Al Masri: You have spoken the name of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named!!!
– Jurors start waving anti-Trump signs and Gay Pride flags and start destroying the courtroom again.-
Jurors: No Drumpf! No KKK! No fascist USA! No Drumpf! No KKK! No fascist USA! (continue chanting)
– A group of protesters walk in wearing costumes, including one dressed as the female anatomy.-
Protester (screams at the top of his lungs): SAY IT LOUD! SAY IT CLEAR! REFUGEES ARE WELCOME HERE!
Judge Al Masri: I have reached a verdict! I have reached a verdict! Mx. Trigglypuff shall be awarded alimony of 16 trillion SDRs per month.
Mr. Muhammad: 16 trillion SDRS?!? But how will I support my other three wives and my seventeen children?!?
Judge Al Masri: This is a divorce court! Your score on the Oppression Pyramid is high, but it is simply not as high as theirs!
Mr. Muhammad: My other wives and children?
Judge Al Masri: No, I said “theirs” — meaning Mx. Trigglypuff! They are the victim! Now silence!
Mr. Muhammad: (Whimpers and lowers his head in dejection)
Judge Al Masri: And you, Mr. White Male (pointing to Defendant’s Counsel), I sentence you to diversity training in a reeducation camp! Offffff with his head!!!
– Bailiff drags Defendant’s Counsel out of the courtroom as jurors and protesters keep chanting.-