How An Interstate Monorail Could Reinvigorate America’s Economy

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It’s been a long time since America had an exciting federal engineering project. NASA has been awfully quiet for the last two decades as they’ve worked on training their new diversity hires, the drums of war are beating ever more quietly as Trump continues to appease Russia, and airports no longer inspire the sense of wonder that can command large budgets. But there is one thing that might just bring about the awe-inspiring buzz of the industrial revolution and set America’s economy afire once again. I am of course, talking about a high speed interstate monorail. 

As many of you may know, California has been working on its own state of the art monorail, which despite being years behind schedule and millions of dollars over budget, has nonetheless generated significant economic growth for the state. An interstate monorail would likely replicate this success on a much greater scale, employing people from all professions to work on this exciting new American project. Workers will be proud to say that they are building the future of American transport and are helping to connect the once divided but soon to be united states of America. The monorail could not only be interstate, but also international, linking America to its cousins in Latin America and helping to unite the continent as a whole. Americans will be able to traverse our beautiful continent with ease, making business easier and allowing us to view our incredible natural landscapes from a deck chair with a glass of champagne in hand.

The monorail project will put America on the map once again, generating economic growth through government spending, employment, more efficient travel and tourism from all over the world. Accredited, politically-connected construction and engineering contractors are salivating at the prospect of such a momentous project, which I anticipate could go on for many decades. The monorail will take long, winding scenic routes through the countryside, over mountains and across lakes, rivers and canyons to maximize its length and the corresponding economic benefit. With the generous no-bid contracts awarded to these contractors, they will be able to collectively employ millions of people. The government will also set up TSA checkpoints all along the monorail, and will employ many minorities to operate these, just as they have in other government departments. The budget will be paid for over a mere 50 years, subject to many extensions and changes, starting at $5 billion a year and steadily decreasing thereafter. 

Critics will accuse us of passing on the responsibility of completion to future administrations, and that far better forms of transport will exist then, but these people are un-American and will never see our vision, no matter how much we attempt to inspire them. The monorail will rebuild America and will be the envy of the world. Children will skip merrily past it in Virginia, while businessmen board it in New York with Accredited Times newspapers in hand. It will glide over crystal lakes in Montana, wind through the canyons of Arizona and whistle past sanctuary cities in California. It will be the envy of the world, and unite our great country once again. So in the spirit of the industrial revolution, powered by hardworking slaves and geniuses like Lewis Latimer, lets make this dream a reality.

@MillionDBonus_

How An Interstate Monorail Could Reinvigorate America’s Economy https://t.co/dOCFSvZVly https://t.co/317lvgfs2W

Ted Cruz
Ted Cruz

Texans want no part of your homorail. That’s for commies and Japs. You ever hear of the national debt?

Fake News Real Troll
Fake News Real Troll

Monorail sounds like monogamy. Why can’t it be bi-rail, trans-rail, or gay-rail? Is California not progressive enough?

hungrypirana
hungrypirana

We’ve already got your Post Office loafers, now you tell us we need more bankrupt Amtraks! Quell your fantasies; hop on a damn freight train. Bring your goggles and that menace to society Krugman. Destination: rainbows, unicorns and oblivion.

Black Lives Matter

Is there a chance the track could bend?

Pbier

An interstate monorail would be a nice start, but why restrict ourselves to the North American continent? How about a monorail which crosses the Atlantic, over to Morocco/ North Africa, through some incredible engineering? Perhaps, we could go all the way and build a monorail which spans the globe like the Circle-Line in the London Underground. Starting in Florida, it stops at Morocco, Algeria, Libya, Egypt, Iraq, Saudi Arabia, India, China, California all the way back to Florida.

Refugees coming and going (mostly coming) on a 24/7 basis. Just wow.

Abu
Abu

You seem to know a lot Mr. Pbier. You are a true professional journalist. Including the whole AT team members.

Pbier

Clarification to previous comment: read literally, it implies that the Circle-Line in the London Underground spans the globe. In fact, it only covers London. The multicultural diversity of passengers on the Circle-Line, and the time it typically takes to do a full circle, can lead to people wrongly assuming it goes around the world. This is not actually the case. Thank you for your attention.

trav777

I can personally attest that the RER in Paris goes through west africa…

Pbier

That would be through the charming banlieux to the North (departement 93) and South, which really need to be twinned with the Rio Favelas.

trav777

My gf is from Paris; we just call them “District 9.”

trav777

That would be an amazing thing to ride. Clearly, fares would need to be subsidized for the “disadvantaged.” We would hate for paying riders to miss out on the awesome cultural enrichment that diversity brings to every train its found on.

Anyone who’s ridden a train in any of these countries or with masses of the people from these countries knows how great this circle line would be. Just think, a train packed with Africans…epic.

Real Fact Checker
Real Fact Checker

California high speed rail is not running millions over budget. It is running BILLIONS over budget.

Black Lives Matter

Those are good-paying union jobs, though. So the money goes right back into the economy.

Disgusting
Disgusting

#fact-check

MillionDollarBonus | California High-Speed Rail is running millions over budget | true | California High-Speed Rail is running $24,000 million over budget. The California general fund is being used to make up the shortfall.

Holy Handgrenade
Holy Handgrenade

All government projects are good because they take money away from evil hoarders and distribute it to everyone for salaries and benefits. How can any government project be considered wasteful. Government knows where the money should go. Regular unaccredited people can’t be trusted to use the money properly.

#accredited-times-pick

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