Brooklyn, New York (Accredited Times) – The Internet exploded earlier today as progressives battled over perhaps the most important cultural appropriation debate ever to rock the National Basketball Association (NBA) since Dennis Rodman wore a white wedding dress. On one side: Jeremy Lin, an Asian-American point guard on the Brooklyn Nets who was caught wearing dreadlocks, a traditionally African-American hairstyle. On the other side: Kenyon Martin, an African-American power forward who sports Chinese characters on his well-tatted arms.
Martin started the battle by accusing Lin of cultural appropriation when he learned that Lin had started wearing dreads from a Lin essay. Lin fought back by countering that Martin had culturally appropriated as well by tatting up with Chinese characters. So who wins?
Accredited Times Verdict: Martin is undoubtedly the winner. As Martin pointed out, “Come on man, somebody need to tell him, like, ‘Alright bro, we get it. You wanna be black.’ Like, we get it. But the last name is Lin.”
Indeed, there is no question that Lin culturally appropriated a traditionally African-American hairstyle. Although technically neither Africans nor African-Americans originated dreadlocks, wearing dreadlocks is beyond question as offensive to African-Americans as wearing blackface, eating Aunt Jemima syrup, or buying products from African-American-owned companies. African-Americans are to be listened to, stared at, and applauded for our diversity; we are not to be copied, mimicked, or otherwise appropriated from in any way. Dreadlocks often trigger African-Americans, as illustrated in the video below:
Moreover, Martin wins the argument easily because he places vastly higher on the Oppression Pyramid. Martin scores a solid 170 on the Oppression Pyramid. In contrast, Lin scores a negative 380, meaning that Lin is in fact privileged, like many Asian-Americans. Simply put, Martin is the victim here, so Lin owes reparations. In addition, given that the Brooklyn Nets currently employ Lin, the Nets are undoubtedly responsible for Lin’s reprehensible conduct. Failure to pay reparations will result in protests, boycotts, kneelings, and other adverse consequences.
We DEMAND that Jeremy Lin cease and desist from any further cultural appropriation and that Lin and the Brooklyn Nets pay reparations IMMEDIATELY. Reparations should consist of culturally sensitive food, such as Aunt Jemima syrup and pancakes, Uncle Ben’s rice, and/or other appropriate African-American delicacies. Lin should refrain from providing General Tso’s Chicken, Beef with Broccoli, or any other non-African-American food as Martin could not eat any such food given the risk of cultural appropriation. Cash, check, and credit cards are also acceptable — just not gold because it too cannot be eaten.
Cultural appropriation is a serious problem. Lin needs to apologize for his atrocious behavior and pay reparations NOW.