Brussels, Belgium (Accredited Times) – Happy birthday, communism! That’s right, communism officially turns one hundred years young today. One hundred years ago, Comrade Vladimir Lenin launched the Bolshevik Revolution. Since then, communism has spread all over the world. Successful communist leaders include Joseph Stalin, Pol Pot, Ho Chi Minh, Jane Fonda, Kim Jong-un, Fidel Castro, Hugo Chavez, Bernie Sanders, Mao Zedong, and Barack Hussein Obama.
Communism’s stunning achievements are manifold:
- Eliminating roughly 100 million capitalist oppressors and counter-revolutionaries;
- Crushing the bourgeoisie by successfully “grind[ing] them between the millstones of taxation and inflation,” as Comrade Lenin advocated;
- Establishing the Soviet Union and then the European Union;
- Establishing strong communist policies in the United States;
- Establishing a “living, breathing Constitution” allowing judges to implement progressive policies and override musty old conventions to the contrary;
- Implementing open trade and open borders to promote diversity, cultural enrichment, and global governance;
- Fighting racism by replacing Western traditions of “science” with the technology and wisdom of traditional People of Color;
- Curtailing private property rights around the world via regulations, zoning, and property taxes;
- Establishing heavy progressive income taxes all over the world with total tax rates going as high as 137.3% in Argentina;
- Implementing heavy estate and inheritance taxes, including a 40% federal rate in the United States on money already subject to income taxation (with combined rates close to 100%);
- Centralizing credit in the hands of the state via the Federal Reserve and other independent central banks;
- Centralizing communications and transportation in the hands of the state for proper monitoring of commercial activity and hate speech;
- Establishing public education systems that teach students about political activism and social justice issues;
- Promoting the establishment of safe spaces in education facilities to protect students from hate speech;
- Encouraging the masses to use pharmaceuticals to keep them docile and well-behaved;
- Fighting back against the plague of cultural appropriation;
- Establishing a strong presence in the media and fighting back against “fake news“;
- Achieving a substantial presence in Western militaries and intelligence agencies; and
- Encouraging People of Color to fight back against oppression and take back what is rightfully theirs.
Communism’s success isn’t hard to understand. The central tenet of communism is the desire to concentrate all power within one organization — the State. Centralizing power ensures that all work is essentially done on a “no bid” basis — meaning that consumers always get the best deal. Communism works even better because power is taken away from greedy businessmen and given to honest politicians who always look out for the public interest.
People in communist countries always appreciate the hard work done by their superiors in government. That’s why Venezuelans rewarded President Hugo Chavez’s daughter, Maria Gabriela Chavez, 37, by making her the wealthiest person in Venezuela (over $4.2 billion) and why Angolans rewarded President Jose Eduardo dos Santos’s daughter, Isabel dos Santos, 44, by making her the wealthiest woman in Africa (over $3.5 billion). That’s also why the Clintons were rewarded with hundreds of millions of dollars for their hard work in public service — and why they were granted an exemption from bribery laws. Competition is evil; the bourgeoisie are evil. Cooperation is good.
So today be sure to buy a cake (preferably a red velvet cake) and some candles to celebrate one hundred years of communism. One hundred years — one hundred million dead capitalists. Workers of the world unite!