Why We Need Immortal Overlords, Like Sean Parker

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Sean Parker, the former President of Facebook.


Washington, D.C. (Accredited Times) – I have a confession.  I have never used Facebook.  I really don’t know much about Facebook, except that it sucks.

So yesterday it came as quite a surprise when Sean Parker, a billionaire who briefly served as the first President of Facebook, said something noteworthy.  According to Parker, he and other Facebook billionaires plan on becoming “part of this, like, class of immortal overlords.”

“Give us billionaires an extra hundred years and you’ll know what … wealth disparity looks like,” he continued.  “I’m going to be like 160.”

Many might laugh at Parker’s statement.  After all, even fatties like Parker can generally only eat three meals a day and live in any one place at one time, so who cares about so-called “wealth disparity”?  And even with our amazing pharmaceutical companies, it’s unlikely that a myopic fatty like Parker will live to 160 with modern technology, especially if he continues to gorge himself on gold-encrusted Cheetos, truffle-flavored Doritos, and other computer-nerd-billionaire delicacies.  Theoretically, billionaires can buy up large amounts of land in society, which could create some problems for the plebes from higher real estate prices.  But, like the twenty-two Hawaiian oligarchs who at one point owned 72.5% of all land in Oahu, eventually the oligarchs have to at least rent out a portion of it to the plebes.  The plebes need to live somewhere.  In the end, Parker will always be a pasty white fatty who people pretend to like but who people really hate, just like every other arrogant white male.  It doesn’t matter what the electronic entries state on his computerized financial statement, just as it doesn’t matter how many “likes” someone gets on Facebook.

That said, we definitely need “immortal overlords,” just like we need progressive superstars in government to run our health, education, and retirement savings.  And who better to serve as an “immortal overlord” than a cocaine-snorting fatty who helped market a personal blogging site for a few months before being fired?  It’s troubling that Parker is a white male, but perhaps our pharmaceutical companies can help him become an immortal black transwoman.  Or maybe he can convert to Islam.

Immortal overlords would make society immeasurably better.  Think of how fun superhero movies are.  Some immortals, of course, will undoubtedly be good, and some will be bad.  Either way, though, it will be fun watching YouTube montages of good guys, like Parker, whipping themselves into shape to take down evil bad guys, like Donald Trump.

Immortal overlords could also institute important policies by decree, such as carbon credits and population restrictions.  Presumably, they will have superpowers as well, just like in all of the comic books that Parker undoubtedly read while in school. Parker can be “Wolverine.”  Mark Zuckerberg can be “Professsor X” — although maybe Zuckerberg should come out as bisexual or something like that to increase diversity.

So I, for one, welcome our immortal overlords and hope Parker becomes one.  Progressives are so smart.  I would love to see a Zuckerberg-Parker ticket in the 2020 Presidential election.  Immortal overlords forever!

Senatus Populusque Romanus
Senatus Populusque Romanus

I prefer to think of them as gods in a glorious progressive pantheon. A giant rotunda should be erected to display their shimmering marble statues. It should be both a place of worship and a place for introspection and improvement of our proletarian failings.

#accredited-times-pick

Buck
Buck

How dare you shame him for being adipose-predisposed!

MillionDollarBonus

Wow Sean Parker is so smart! He runs one of the largest companies in the world, which allows people to create HTML pages with images and text! Wow! The largest companies in the world aren’t oil companies, mining companies or airplane manufacturers – they’re TECH GIANTS like Whatsapp and Facebook, which store and transmit simple information items, and have adverts, or no adverts like Whatsapp. And accredited media companies like CNN, with state of the art studios from which suited up reporters speak accredited things. Sean Parker is definitely smart and accomplished enough to be an immortal overlord, although I agree that as a white male, he needs a gender or race change first. He’s a modern day Henry Ford (who was black by the way).

trav777

Facebook brings so much value to society that I do not know why it isn’t the largest company on earth.

A company like AT&T is so last century. This is Current Year in Current Century. Old crap like petroleum, mining, telecommunications, and gasoline automobiles are so passe and obsolete now. What matters are likes and generating “awareness.”

Facebook is the best at that- who needs a cure for a disease when people can simply post pics or videos of themselves pouring buckets of water on their heads to create awareness? In this time of overconsumption, it’s good that we have zero-calorie activism like Facebook to help change the world.

Facebook also gives a voice to People of Color to livestream justice actions against white people in revenge for Trayvawn or Kaepernick or whoever.

And Facebook ads are the hottest thing ever- this is in no way a jewish wealth extraction skim where tribal cousins in ad agencies send corporate money to their cousins at Facebook for ad buys that nobody except a robot or Bangladeshi click farm ever activates (never mind makes a purchase with).

Facebook has at LEAST 2 billion users, which is even more than the number of people who have the internet; that is how amazing it is. At current growth rates, facebook will hit the magic SIX BILLION number in no time.

#accredited-times-pick

MillionDollarBonus

I absolutely agree. And CNN is valued at $8 billion dollars because it has so many millions of avid viewers in hotel waiting rooms and gym changing rooms. There’s no money in building physical things these days. The real money is in things like creating HTML pages, sending text across a network, talking about things on TV and trading derivatives at top tier investment banks. These are the industries that create real value.

MillionDollarBonus

On another note, I just have to commend these brave progressive womyn for their brilliant spiritual dance to curse Trump at the Trump election mourning ceremony:

drb6
drb6

Are you sure these are not closet conservatives mocking progressives? This is becoming more and more widespread. I recently came across a website – https://www.whiteprivilegeconference.com/ – which appears to be totally mocking our liberal ideas by taking them to ridiculous extremes.

MillionDollarBonus

I don’t know .. I don’t think conservatives are that smart though. I mean, I know a couple of them have infiltrated legitimate progressive news organizations like Michael Harriot, but I don’t think they’re smart enough to stage an entire dance like the one above, which was performed so professionally, let alone create an entire website masquerading as a progressive organization.

hungrypirana
hungrypirana

They need to dance straight into the office of the nearest Nigerian psychiatrist’s office. You know, the freebie Obamacare shrink.

#ableist

#ableist

MillionDollarBonus

They’re probably already doing therapy and rehab, and proud of it. Being unstable and in need of help is cool.

hungrypirana
hungrypirana

…and pathological.

Senatus Populusque Romanus
Senatus Populusque Romanus

By Allah…What grace!….Through their amazing dance they are expressing their resistance to the patriarchy, their empowerment as wixmin, their amazing sense of fashion, and their hope for a bright progressive future. I felt all of these things (and some other feelings that confuse me) while they danced. They should be touring the country and performing in progressive bastions like Detroit, South Chicago, Camden New Jersey, and Oakland California.

hungrypirana
hungrypirana

Given their deep expertise with metaphysical goulash, they are excellent prospects for high government office. I recommend they step right into the trousers (one leg at a time) of the Deputy Assistant Administrators for Budgetary Administration, in charge of dancing away debt and deficits via the Bureau of Bewilderment and Obfuscation.

hungrypirana
hungrypirana

Why is it after reading this “story” I feel jarred, jostled, and whipsawed; not unlike the last time I attended the Hillbilly Demolition Derby & Figure 8.

hungrypirana
hungrypirana

Marking the one-year anniversary of MAGA:

Pop the champagne corks!!!!

#hate-speech

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