Washington, D.C. (Accredited Times) – I have a confession. I have never used Facebook. I really don’t know much about Facebook, except that it sucks.
So yesterday it came as quite a surprise when Sean Parker, a billionaire who briefly served as the first President of Facebook, said something noteworthy. According to Parker, he and other Facebook billionaires plan on becoming “part of this, like, class of immortal overlords.”
“Give us billionaires an extra hundred years and you’ll know what … wealth disparity looks like,” he continued. “I’m going to be like 160.”
Many might laugh at Parker’s statement. After all, even fatties like Parker can generally only eat three meals a day and live in any one place at one time, so who cares about so-called “wealth disparity”? And even with our amazing pharmaceutical companies, it’s unlikely that a myopic fatty like Parker will live to 160 with modern technology, especially if he continues to gorge himself on gold-encrusted Cheetos, truffle-flavored Doritos, and other computer-nerd-billionaire delicacies. Theoretically, billionaires can buy up large amounts of land in society, which could create some problems for the plebes from higher real estate prices. But, like the twenty-two Hawaiian oligarchs who at one point owned 72.5% of all land in Oahu, eventually the oligarchs have to at least rent out a portion of it to the plebes. The plebes need to live somewhere. In the end, Parker will always be a pasty white fatty who people pretend to like but who people really hate, just like every other arrogant white male. It doesn’t matter what the electronic entries state on his computerized financial statement, just as it doesn’t matter how many “likes” someone gets on Facebook.
That said, we definitely need “immortal overlords,” just like we need progressive superstars in government to run our health, education, and retirement savings. And who better to serve as an “immortal overlord” than a cocaine-snorting fatty who helped market a personal blogging site for a few months before being fired? It’s troubling that Parker is a white male, but perhaps our pharmaceutical companies can help him become an immortal black transwoman. Or maybe he can convert to Islam.
Immortal overlords would make society immeasurably better. Think of how fun superhero movies are. Some immortals, of course, will undoubtedly be good, and some will be bad. Either way, though, it will be fun watching YouTube montages of good guys, like Parker, whipping themselves into shape to take down evil bad guys, like Donald Trump.
Immortal overlords could also institute important policies by decree, such as carbon credits and population restrictions. Presumably, they will have superpowers as well, just like in all of the comic books that Parker undoubtedly read while in school. Parker can be “Wolverine.” Mark Zuckerberg can be “Professsor X” — although maybe Zuckerberg should come out as bisexual or something like that to increase diversity.
So I, for one, welcome our immortal overlords and hope Parker becomes one. Progressives are so smart. I would love to see a Zuckerberg-Parker ticket in the 2020 Presidential election. Immortal overlords forever!