Pens are Teaching Men how to Rape!

A million acts of simulated rape take place EVERY SECOND!


These Pens are Teaching Men how to Rape.

As we are coming closer to the end of another year we all know that the struggle for freedom of expression is only intensifying. On all sides we are oppressed, censored, and our right to free-speech stifled. Stifled by the daily onslaught of internet based invective where an endless assembly line of memes, ‘shit’ posting and offensive gifs of our heroes such as Hilary Clinton having strokes or our secular Goddess Madonna falling down the stairs, providing great mirth to the -ist and -phobic internetizens and great pain to our own tender liberal hearts.

It is becoming more and more obvious to all of us that the most oppressive expression of the evil Nazi patriarchy are words and ideas themselves and these words and ideas are threatening the very survival of our newly engineered social reality.

So this morning a small dawning ray of hope pierced the gloom of endless battle at the Accredited Times when we received our advance copy of the 2018 Glossary of Acceptable Speech (GAS) hot off the presses of the Academic Research Society for Equality. Those of our readers who are new to the battle and do not operate within the halls of the Communication, Gender and Pharisaical studies faculties, may not be aware that since 1983 the American Association of University Professors have been publishing a yearly guide to the ‘official language’ of American tertiary education.

This guide was designed primarily to protect university workers and vulnerable students from the workplace dangers of unrestrained ideas and the violence of certain trains of thought which higher education professionals may find particularly harmful to their refined sensibilities. It is not for nothing that tertiary university education is known as higher education, and it is from this higher realm of thought and sensitivity that ideas are propagated down into the ‘lower’ world of American society as a whole, through the receptive fluid medium of the young students. In this sense social engineering has become a very easy business, almost fully in thanks to the existence of GAS.

Prior to GAS, faculty staff workplace injuries were extremely common. In 1971  Penn State University associate professor Glen Aweglendason opened the first day of a Disorientation Studies class and was assaulted by overhearing the word ‘Johnson’ during a conversation between freshmen and as a result of the shock, spent the rest of the semester in the convalescent home for distressed academics being treated for her injuries by the administration of soft tame cats and box wine. It later turned out that the gentlemen in question were in fact talking about another freshman by the name of Neil Johnson and not explicitly referring to the oppressive human male organ of reproduction, but it became apparent at this stage, that something had to be done to bring order to language which had become so dangerously expressive and euphemistic that it could cause actual harm to higher, sensitive liberal minds.

GAS gives advice on the acceptability of certain words and whether they are allowed on campus. We have had an advance look at next-year’s edition and some of the most obvious stand-outs for us were the obvious cautious recommendation against using the term ‘white’ in order to describe any known thing. The notes read that ‘since white represents an absence of colour then there is no longer any requirement to describe something which does not exist.’ Recommendations are that “when ‘white’ is used in describing foodstuff such as ‘white bread or white rice’ then ‘processed’ can be substituted and its antonym; ‘brown’ as in ‘brown bread’ can be re-termed ‘natural’.”  GAS has recognized that ‘brown’ is an obvious synonym for ‘natural’ and by natural extension can be a cognate for ‘better’. Thus brown bread is better than white bread because brown is natural and white doesn’t exist. This will be of great reassurance to many in the academic world and is a great comfort to us devout social change agents at the Accredited Times as we have long sought to establish brown supremacy as the new-normal.

A big surprise to us however was the banishment of the words ‘pen’ and ‘pencil’ from campuses around the country from January 1st 2018, though it is likely that there will be a two week period of grace during which time anyone heard using these non-words will not receive an immediate academic sanction, although after this period anyone heard using words prohibited by GAS will be issued a grade deduction penalty notice in the absence of a doctor’s certificate recording psychological illness.

Our surprise was clearly a reminder that even we at the very vanguard of lib-soc values the Accredited Times sometimes need our own -istic assumptions challenging, even though we little suspected we harboured any. Fortunately the footnote for the words Pen and Pencil, Pensive, Peninsular, explains that these are all rape words, or derivatives thereof. The word ‘pen’ is so obviously an abbreviation for ‘penis’ and we are amazed that we needed GAS to tell us what was waving right in our faces all along.

There is even the suggestion that ‘pens’ and ‘pencils’ themselves be banned from campuses across American because there is a danger that using a pen is teaching a man how to rape. The correlation between the fluid containing length rubbing itself against the virgin innocence of the blank page to release an ejaculate of coloured sticky fluid which stains, is an utter affront to the humanity of all genders and that we still continue to all use rape objects on a daily basis and commit these million acts of simulated rape on a daily basis is a wake-up call to how long we have dwelt in the dark ages of symbolic patriarchy. It is obvious to us now that MAN invented the pen solely to perpetuate his own dominance and pride in his oppressive mammalian reproductive organ and its issuance of poisonous fluid. Any immediate practical problems regarding the prohibition of portable rape effigies, or ‘pens’, will be solved by the ownership of an I-pad being a mandatory course subscription requirement.

With our culture weapon of the 2018 GAS fresh from the Academic Research Society for Equality, our movement will triumph in inculcating the minds of the future. This year, next year and every year. Forever.


1. Can you give a link to this terrific set of Newspeak instructions? As an academic, I do not want to miss out on those. I will certainly send the link, with choice citations, to my progressive colleagues so that we all can enjoy the dawn of Newspeak era.

2. MDB, it appears that programming on this page was done not by accredited minority programmers, but by FUCKING WHITE males. Flagging does not work half of the time, and page loads slower than CNN due to various things popping up at corners or scrolling all over the page. I have hard time giving correct recognition to our Anon’s hate speech.


Sorry drb6. The slowness is the reason for the flagging not working, I’m planning to do a couple of things to speed things up, which should rectify the issue. Which smart gadget are you viewing the site on out of curiosity?


Desktop and laptop computers (Win 7 and 10). I do not use any GADGETS as my unemployment benefits have been cruelly cut by Trump and I can not afford iphone X which, by the way, is a human right.


Hmm I’m also using windows 7 and don’t see any formatting issues. I’ll look into it though. Funny you should mention the iPhone X – I’ve got an exciting review on it coming out tomorrow. It really is the phone of the future.


Dude. You already know what is wrong. The Russians.


That’s exactly my thinking Trav. I just need to dig a little deeper to confirm it.


No need to verify. CNN told me that everything wrong anywhere is the fault of Russians.


This a great article.

We should emulate one of the century’s TRUE communists, Pol Pot, and have people who can read and write shot. That would end this nonstop raping

Make my votes count
Make my votes count

AT editors,
This article crossed the line of decency.
When I first read the word “Johnson” I was triggered and I knew I should have stopped then.
However the way the author described the rape of the pen on the virgin paper was far too graphic and has triggered my previously undiagnosed PTSD.
I have now been violated just like 13 year old Cory Haim was by an older Sheen.
This filth is not allowed on the intrawebs and needs to be taken down.

Black Lives Matter

This article triggered me as well.

Make my votes count
Make my votes count

If the article is not going to be removed,
I would hope to see at least an apology from the author come across Greta Van Susteren’s new Sorry APP.


Wow what a stunner of an article Truthspoon! Words do indeed need regulation, and heavy regulation at that. As we’ve mentioned many times before at the Accredited Times, words can be violence. Violence doesn’t have to be physical – that is just one of many forms of violence, and in fact the least serious form. The most serious forms of violence are verbal violence, in which words are used to spread hatred, victimization and oppression, and structural violence, in which things like capitalism and free markets oppress people by stripping them of money and human rights.

Apologies for my absence again today – I’m still recovering from the emotional trauma of being misgendered two days ago. I find that since becoming non-binary, I’m increasingly avoiding social interactions for fear of being judged or having my pronouns assumed. I’m becoming more solitary and depressed. But I still think becoming non-binary was a good idea. The high suicide rates among transgenders are other peoples’ fault for mistreating us.


thought violence is one of the worst because it leads to all the others


Exactly. The pen is mightier than the sword.