As we are coming closer to the end of another year we all know that the struggle for freedom of expression is only intensifying. On all sides we are oppressed, censored, and our right to free-speech stifled. Stifled by the daily onslaught of internet based invective where an endless assembly line of memes, ‘shit’ posting and offensive gifs of our heroes such as Hilary Clinton having strokes or our secular Goddess Madonna falling down the stairs, providing great mirth to the -ist and -phobic internetizens and great pain to our own tender liberal hearts.
It is becoming more and more obvious to all of us that the most oppressive expression of the evil Nazi patriarchy are words and ideas themselves and these words and ideas are threatening the very survival of our newly engineered social reality.
So this morning a small dawning ray of hope pierced the gloom of endless battle at the Accredited Times when we received our advance copy of the 2018 Glossary of Acceptable Speech (GAS) hot off the presses of the Academic Research Society for Equality. Those of our readers who are new to the battle and do not operate within the halls of the Communication, Gender and Pharisaical studies faculties, may not be aware that since 1983 the American Association of University Professors have been publishing a yearly guide to the ‘official language’ of American tertiary education.
This guide was designed primarily to protect university workers and vulnerable students from the workplace dangers of unrestrained ideas and the violence of certain trains of thought which higher education professionals may find particularly harmful to their refined sensibilities. It is not for nothing that tertiary university education is known as higher education, and it is from this higher realm of thought and sensitivity that ideas are propagated down into the ‘lower’ world of American society as a whole, through the receptive fluid medium of the young students. In this sense social engineering has become a very easy business, almost fully in thanks to the existence of GAS.
Prior to GAS, faculty staff workplace injuries were extremely common. In 1971 Penn State University associate professor Glen Aweglendason opened the first day of a Disorientation Studies class and was assaulted by overhearing the word ‘Johnson’ during a conversation between freshmen and as a result of the shock, spent the rest of the semester in the convalescent home for distressed academics being treated for her injuries by the administration of soft tame cats and box wine. It later turned out that the gentlemen in question were in fact talking about another freshman by the name of Neil Johnson and not explicitly referring to the oppressive human male organ of reproduction, but it became apparent at this stage, that something had to be done to bring order to language which had become so dangerously expressive and euphemistic that it could cause actual harm to higher, sensitive liberal minds.
GAS gives advice on the acceptability of certain words and whether they are allowed on campus. We have had an advance look at next-year’s edition and some of the most obvious stand-outs for us were the obvious cautious recommendation against using the term ‘white’ in order to describe any known thing. The notes read that ‘since white represents an absence of colour then there is no longer any requirement to describe something which does not exist.’ Recommendations are that “when ‘white’ is used in describing foodstuff such as ‘white bread or white rice’ then ‘processed’ can be substituted and its antonym; ‘brown’ as in ‘brown bread’ can be re-termed ‘natural’.” GAS has recognized that ‘brown’ is an obvious synonym for ‘natural’ and by natural extension can be a cognate for ‘better’. Thus brown bread is better than white bread because brown is natural and white doesn’t exist. This will be of great reassurance to many in the academic world and is a great comfort to us devout social change agents at the Accredited Times as we have long sought to establish brown supremacy as the new-normal.
A big surprise to us however was the banishment of the words ‘pen’ and ‘pencil’ from campuses around the country from January 1st 2018, though it is likely that there will be a two week period of grace during which time anyone heard using these non-words will not receive an immediate academic sanction, although after this period anyone heard using words prohibited by GAS will be issued a grade deduction penalty notice in the absence of a doctor’s certificate recording psychological illness.
Our surprise was clearly a reminder that even we at the very vanguard of lib-soc values the Accredited Times sometimes need our own -istic assumptions challenging, even though we little suspected we harboured any. Fortunately the footnote for the words Pen and Pencil, Pensive, Peninsular, explains that these are all rape words, or derivatives thereof. The word ‘pen’ is so obviously an abbreviation for ‘penis’ and we are amazed that we needed GAS to tell us what was waving right in our faces all along.
There is even the suggestion that ‘pens’ and ‘pencils’ themselves be banned from campuses across American because there is a danger that using a pen is teaching a man how to rape. The correlation between the fluid containing length rubbing itself against the virgin innocence of the blank page to release an ejaculate of coloured sticky fluid which stains, is an utter affront to the humanity of all genders and that we still continue to all use rape objects on a daily basis and commit these million acts of simulated rape on a daily basis is a wake-up call to how long we have dwelt in the dark ages of symbolic patriarchy. It is obvious to us now that MAN invented the pen solely to perpetuate his own dominance and pride in his oppressive mammalian reproductive organ and its issuance of poisonous fluid. Any immediate practical problems regarding the prohibition of portable rape effigies, or ‘pens’, will be solved by the ownership of an I-pad being a mandatory course subscription requirement.
With our culture weapon of the 2018 GAS fresh from the Academic Research Society for Equality, our movement will triumph in inculcating the minds of the future. This year, next year and every year. Forever.