The Accredited Times Reviews the iPhone X

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Another month, and yet another amazing new iGadget hits the market, as always with a mountain of mouth-watering new features. Like all of the iPhones before it, the iPhone X is no ordinary iPhone. It is an item straight out of a time warp stretching thousands of years into the future, boasting an astounding array of space age features. Scientists and engineers of color across the globe are blown away by the sheer ingenuity of this futuristic smart device, and low testosterone progressive Apple fanboys have been clambering over each other to buy it.

The following is a list of the iPhone X’s incredible new features:

  1. An absolutely mind-blowing new look and feel, with a stylish reinforced glass exterior, and a surgical grade state of the art steel frame.
  2. A slightly larger screen, that  takes up a couple of millimeters more of the front of the phone, making it practically all screen. Yes, you heard that right – all screen, the iPhone X is literally all screen.
  3. A significantly longer side button, with a couple of new functions.
  4. A better quality screen and camera, in case you couldn’t discern the finer details of videos and images on your older, lame iPhone.
  5. Facial recognition, with machine learning that knows you better than you know yourself, allowing intelligent software to recognize you wherever you may be, should Apple’s findings be accidentally leaked or used by our seventeen intelligence agencies.
  6. Much stronger EMF output, with wireless charging, Bluetooth 5.0 and soon 5G, that helps cause inflammation in the body by activating calcium channels, which reinvigorates your cells, like skin peeling in a spa.
  7. Animoji’s that allow you to convert your facial expression into a cute animal emoji, using the new depth-sensing camera. This is a great feature for anyone who is trans-species curious, and is very popular with young womyn as those of your who have swiped tinder will know.

In summary, you’d have to be mad not to buy the iPhone X. And at the reasonable price of just $1000 or more, you’re not exactly breaking the bank to get your hands on these indispensable new features. Buying an iPhone X is an investment in yourself and your future. Having the latest iPhone proves that you are smart, and you can show off all of its new features to your jealous friends who can’t afford it. You can look forward to whipping it out in front of envious bystanders in the shopping mall or at the coffee shop, as people point and marvel at your intelligence and foresight for buying such an amazing gadget. So if you want to be part of the Apple club, you better get your hands on this latest iGadget, because if you don’t, then nobody is going to respect or envy you. You need this phone. Just buy it now, trust me.

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31 Comments on "The Accredited Times Reviews the iPhone X"

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Truthspoon

I’m extremely excited by the prospect of stronger EMF output. I wonder if taping two of these to the sides of my head and setting them to repeatedly dial each other will induce sub-cranial swelling and hence a bigger brain. I like my brain tissue like I like my breakfasts: HOT and properly cooked!

Mules! Proof of Allahs Kindness
Mules! Proof of Allahs Kindness

$1,000 ?????

How many pain pills is that?

The question is for those from Baltimore who can’t do math over the level of

one, two, three, many, many many, and lastly many many many.

Make my votes count
Make my votes count

How difficult is this facial recognition to turn off.
Since Trump took over the best Obama Phone I can get is not even apple branded. This forces me to purchase my phones from a local street vendor at a discounted rate.
I would assume when he forcefully acquires said product that he can disable the feature while the original owner is still in possession.

Buck
Buck

I’m a long time Apple Patron and I was honestly a little put off by the price. As you can probably gather from my usage of Apple products, I think of myself as astute yet hip, and I just love what it says about my taste. Apple takes great care to consider their corporate and social justice responsibilities but I absolutely REFUSE to indulge their capitalist prodding.

My advice is, it’s a smart buy at any price, but the key is to get the payments low enough. The local retail store wanted to charge me $1100 out the door but I didn’t budge until I was able to work him down to 24 affordable monthly payments of $100. You just have to be smart about how you shop. Like MDB said, it’s an investment. Good luck

drb6
drb6

Wow, never though of this, it makes iphone so much more affordable. I might even be able to afford it on my welfare!
I guess you are a Baltimore high school graduate, I heard recently that they are the best at math!

Black Lives Matter

I just got one, and it literally didn’t cost me anything.

A white person on the subway donated it to me.

trav777

that’s justice for Trayvawn

hungrypirana
hungrypirana

damn pickpocket. we know what “donate” in your language means.

#racist

#racist

Black Lives Matter

Apple-picking is my right as an African-American. It’s reparations — I’m simply collecting what I’m owed.

drb6
drb6

Apple-picking is your right because your ancestors did not get paid for cotton-picking.

Make my votes count
Make my votes count

The best part of facial recognition is if the donor is unconscious you don’t have to remember/know the pass code to get access to your new phone.

hungrypirana
hungrypirana

Trust who???? I’m the only one I trust, you loser. And it’s a damn good thing the gub-ment hasn’t declared these devices to be human rights. Doing so would require Apple to raise the price to only $3,000.

Make my votes count
Make my votes count

It seems like you are trying to make that sound like a bad thing. How is a company making a profit off of a government mandated product a problem?
As instructed by Judge Roberts we simply need to think of it as a tax.

drb6
drb6

It would be just another splendid example of a Public-Private Partnership (PPP), just like paying $trillion to Rayethon, Boeing, and other military suppliers which we all happily supporting, provided that Democrat such as Obama is in office and that those companies donate to Obama reelection fund or Clinton foundation.

Since Trump locked up the Republican nomination three months ago, employees of 25 of the nation’s largest defense companies have donated $93,000 to Clinton, compared with $46,000 for Trump, according to a POLITICO review of filings with the Federal Election Commission. Clinton’s donor rolls also include more than two dozen top defense executives, while Trump’s show just two.

Donors with ties to Pentagon contractors may simply be betting Clinton will win. But some say they are concerned about Trump’s pronouncements on national security, which have included skepticism about NATO’s role in countering Russia, and they fear he will follow through on his pledge to upend business as usual in Washington.

“I’ve worked with Republicans and Democrats of all stripes over the years,” said Linda Hudson, who ran the U.S. branch of British defense firm BAE Systems, the Pentagon’s eighth largest contractor, from 2009 to 2014. “And it’s the first time I’ve seen one who scares the hell out of me if he were to become president.”

hungrypirana
drb6
drb6

Jerk off to your hero Putin. It is quite interesting how Nazi far-right idolizes Putin, who has killed small business, stuffed ballot boxes in order to get elected (107% voted for him in Chechnya), and created the most efficient kleptocracy in the world, enriching himself and his cronies. If you like Adolf Putin, you are exactly like Adolf Hitler!

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