As many of you may have noticed, a group of very important Nigerian Illuminati druids have graced us with their presence, offering a once in a lifetime opportunity to join the very prestigious Illuminati Brotherhood. At first I thought the offer was a Russian scam, masked behind Nigerian country codes to make the whole thing look legit. But the thought that this might truly be a rare opportunity to join one of the most notorious progressive cults on the planet continued to gnaw away at me until I couldn’t take it any longer, and I finally agreed to pay them the money. Immediately after making the payment, I got cold feet, and thought that I’d made a terrible mistake. I thought I’d surely been scammed. “What the hell was I thinking?”, I thought to myself, as I felt my body seethe with with regret and anger at the Russian scammers. But before I could even pick up the phone to demand my $10,000 back, I received a very strange telephone call from a blocked number, and a deep voice uttered “congratulations my friend, you have been accepted into the Illuminati Brotherhood. All we ask now, is that you give us your soul, and in return, great fortune awaits you.”.
I was instructed to show up at a special club in Los Angeles, where I was greeted by a diverse group of progressives with evil grins on their faces, who have since become very good friends. Together, we learned about how to use evil to overcome all of our problems in life, and to achieve everything we’ve ever dreamed of. We learned that satanism is all about doing whatever you want, no matter whether it is morally right or wrong, and that society is becoming more and more satanic, whether people realize it or not. Learning that evil was not in fact bad, and was really just a tool to get whatever you want without worrying about the effects of your actions on others, opened up a whole world of possibility, and allowed me to see myself and the world in a totally different way.
I learned at the Illuminati Brotherhood meetings that evil needs to be practiced and worshiped in order to change your mindset and train you to apply the principles of evil in real life. I learned that in order to destroy any sense of morality or a conscience you might have, you need to do things that are so morally reprehensible that you can never forgive yourself or repent. You need to be evil to do evil. In order to become evil we practiced all kinds of things from spirit cooking, to “mock” human sacrifice, to holding up an effigy of Trump’s severed head. The experiences were horrifying at first, but after a while I became desensitized and numb. I feel ready to acquire great wealth and fortune now using my evil mindset, but I do worry that I’ll be numbed to the experience when I finally get what I want.
I absolutely recommend taking these Nigerian brothers up on their offer. It’s not a scam – it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity to understand the mindset behind some of the greatest community organizers and progressive movers and shakers, from Hillary Clinton to Barrack Obama. It’s an opportunity to live the lives of the most powerful people in the world, and achieve success beyond your wildest dreams. And all that is required in return is your soul. What are souls even good for? It’s an offer you can’t refuse – so grab it with both hands, and never look back.