Today is the day we’ve all been waiting for. After camping all night outside of my local Walmart in the freezing cold, I’m overflowing with excitement at the day ahead as I type this article on my iPhone X. Black Friday is a key biblical holiday marking the day that Mother Mary got a bargain deal on a wide screen HD scroll with an entertaining painting on it, without which she may not have had the wear-with-all to give birth to Jesus Christ. And although the Accredited Times rejects Christianity and is skeptical of Christmas, there is one part of it we love, and that’s Black Friday. Black Friday is a day when we celebrate all of the things God has blessed us with, like TV’s, Dr Dre Beats headphones, brightly colored sneakers, Xbox’s and PlayStation’s. These things are what is meaningful in life and are worth fighting for. But the only thing that I and many others find annoying about Black Friday is how much other people like it too. As I type this, my blood is already boiling as I see some nitwit walk to the gate in font of me, when I’ve been here all night! So without further ado, here are the top five ways to prevent the crowds from getting between you and the presents Santa owes you today.
If you want to minimize the number of children and old ladies you have to shove out of the way, and maximize your chances of getting that great deal, then planning ahead is essential. For the last few days, I have mapped out the whole Walmart store, marked where every item is, and devised the optimal routes to take between items. I’ve taken into account, which items I want most and are most likely to sell out, how long it takes to get to each of them and what the quickest routes are.
Everyone knows how annoying it is to have hundreds of people clambering for that item you’ve been dreaming about, as stock disappears right in front of your very eyes. A great way to get those bastards away from the items you want is to create a diversion, while you grab your bargain. Shouting “fire!”, “there’s a bomb!”, or creating fake gun shot sounds are all strategies that are bound to be effective, and are totally justified in the scheme of things.
Pretend that an Item is Damaged
When you’re carrying your item to the till, you are likely to be the target of jealous attacks by sore losers who want to take your hard-earned deal for themselves. In order to get rid of them, pretend the item is broken by throwing a loud tantrum that everyone can hear, saying “WTF?? It’s BROKEN? I spend ten hours camping outside and it’s fucking BROKEN?? WFT!!! “, while walking briskly to the till.
Impersonate a Store Employee
If you pretend to be a store employee, you can push to the front of the line easily, without anyone noticing. Ideally dress in a way that looks like an employee of the store to customers, but looks like something else to the actual employees, so that nobody suspects you.
If all else fails, brute force is one of the simplest and most effective ways to get what you want this Black Friday. Bring knuckle dusters, pepper spray and any other weapons you can conceal, as you bulldoze your way through assholes who think they deserve those deals more than you do. You have been dreaming about those deals for longer than they have. You deserve those bargains, and they don’t.
Happy Black Friday!