Five Ways to Beat Today’s Black Friday Crowds

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Today is the day we’ve all been waiting for. After camping all night outside of my local Walmart in the freezing cold, I’m overflowing with excitement at the day ahead as I type this article on my iPhone X. Black Friday is a key biblical holiday marking the day that Mother Mary got a bargain deal on a wide screen HD scroll with an entertaining painting on it, without which she may not have had the wear-with-all to give birth to Jesus Christ. And although the Accredited Times rejects Christianity and is skeptical of Christmas, there is one part of it we love, and that’s Black Friday. Black Friday is a day when we celebrate all of the things God has blessed us with, like TV’s, Dr Dre Beats headphones, brightly colored sneakers, Xbox’s and PlayStation’s. These things are what is meaningful in life and are worth fighting for. But the only thing that I and many others find annoying about Black Friday is how much other people like it too. As I type this, my blood is already boiling as I see some nitwit walk to the gate in font of me, when I’ve been here all night! So without further ado, here are the top five ways to prevent the crowds from getting between you and the presents Santa owes you today.

Plan Ahead

If you want to minimize the number of children and old ladies you have to shove out of the way, and maximize your chances of getting that great deal, then planning ahead is essential. For the last few days, I have mapped out the whole Walmart store, marked where every item is, and devised the optimal routes to take between items. I’ve taken into account, which items I want most and are most likely to sell out, how long it takes to get to each of them and what the quickest routes are.

Create Diversions

Everyone knows how annoying it is to have hundreds of people clambering for that item you’ve been dreaming about, as stock disappears right in front of your very eyes. A great way to get those bastards away from the items you want is to create a diversion, while you grab your bargain. Shouting “fire!”, “there’s a bomb!”, or creating fake gun shot sounds are all strategies that are bound to be effective, and are totally justified in the scheme of things.

Pretend that an Item is Damaged

When you’re carrying your item to the till, you are likely to be the target of jealous attacks by sore losers who want to take your hard-earned deal for themselves. In order to get rid of them, pretend the item is broken by throwing a loud tantrum that everyone can hear, saying “WTF?? It’s BROKEN? I spend ten hours camping outside and it’s fucking BROKEN?? WFT!!! “, while walking briskly to the till.

Impersonate a Store Employee

If you pretend to be a store employee, you can push to the front of the line easily, without anyone noticing. Ideally dress in a way that looks like an employee of the store to customers, but looks like something else to the actual employees, so that nobody suspects you.

Brute Force

If all else fails, brute force is one of the simplest and most effective ways to get what you want this Black Friday. Bring knuckle dusters, pepper spray and any other weapons you can conceal, as you bulldoze your way through assholes who think they deserve those deals more than you do. You have been dreaming about those deals for longer than they have. You deserve those bargains, and they don’t.

Happy Black Friday!

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24 Comments on "Five Ways to Beat Today’s Black Friday Crowds"

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Black Lives Matter

BURN THAT SH*T DOWN.

BEAT THOSE CRACKERS LIKE THERE’S NO TOMORROW.

bitcoin
bitcoin

Why are a couple of blacks and browns staying back, and watching, as if this is some sort of circus?
Seems like Anon has taught blacks about worms, and bugs, and they no longer want smart TVs.

Pbier

Black Friday brings out the best in everyone taking part. It could become a fantastic televised experience worthy of pay-per-view if Walmart could grease the floor in all the aisles and/ or have rivers of liquid mud. Better yet, make it into a version of the Hunger Games, with the last Survivor(s) getting xer pick of the wide-screen TVs and other goodies.

Stick Your Proof In My Pudding
Stick Your Proof In My Pudding

Don’t forget to medicate on Black Friday! Your accredited anti-anxiety drugs give you that extra edge against the competition.

Make my votes count
Make my votes count

While some deals are to be had on Black Friday, I am sure that BLM will attest, The real ‘steals’ are the couple of weeks following Cyber Monday.
As these online purchases begin to hit the porches of the working people who will be charged for your new gifts. Just drive around and take your pick.

Black Lives Matter

Haha, whites are so stupid. All I want for Christmas are reparations — and “Mr. Bill Collector” always collects what is due.

drb6
drb6

I suggest shouting “Allah Akbar” instead of “Fire”! Or is that Islamophobic?

Make my votes count
Make my votes count

It is certainly not Islamophobic. As reported by CNN’s Jake Tapper Allah Akbar is usually said “under the most beautiful of circumstances”.
It would probably work to clear out racist Islamophobic Trump supporters but us progressives know the true meaning. Thus we would just stop and give the shouter a big old Al Franken hug.

drb6
drb6

Thank you! I will do that when I get to store. I also intend to sport my big, bushy beard, wear a white, flowing garment and I will take my alarm clock which periodically goes off as well. I am sure everyone will be pleased to see this example of cultural diversity, except of course Islamophobic Trump supporters.

Make my votes count
Make my votes count

The loose flowing garment is a great idea. It will hide the stimulation you will feel while receiving grouping Al Franken hugs from fellow progressives,

AAA Service Dept
AAA Service Dept

Be sure to carry several road flares on your person as well. You never know when your vehicle could have a break down.

hungrypirana
hungrypirana

Its a good day for US Marshal’s Service sting ops. And let’s hope we have enough police dogs and undercover to ensure safety of all the government workers looking for the low bids. Yo.

Mules! Proof of Allahs Kindness
Mules! Proof of Allahs Kindness

vegans beware

That lovely red food that you are eating may contain BUGS

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/red-food-dye-cochineal-bugs_us_56fafd25e4b083f5c605f3dd

Much of the red coloring we use in food is actually made of crushed bugs

Cochineal insects can be found on prickly pear cacti in the North American deserts, where they spends most of their lives sucking away on the plants’ sap. They produce a bitter, crimson-colored pigment called carminic acid, which they store in their guts and use to ward off predators.

To make red dye, manufacturers dry the cochineals and grind them into a powder. The powder turns a bright red when mixed with water.

It may sound gross, but humans have been brightening up life with the crushed guts of cochineals for centuries.

The Mixtec Indians of pre-Hispanic Mexico even farmed and domesticated the bugs, using the dye to color their clothing and show off their social status. By the 1900s, Americans began using cochineal dye to color a variety of foods, including sausages, pies, dried shrimp, candy and jams.

drb6
drb6

You prefer FD&C Red number 40 (C18H14N2Na2O8S2)?

Mules! Proof of Allahs Kindness
Mules! Proof of Allahs Kindness

I was providing a public service announcement to vegans reading this site.

Do you have a problem with that?

drb6
drb6

Actually this time you do make sense, only your post is completely off-topic. Vegans should definitely use safe, FDA-approved dyes such as Orange 1 (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Orange_1) instead of insect-genocide derived cochineal dye.

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