Are you ready for some football? As many have heard, the College Football Playoff Committee selected four teams yesterday to compete for the 2018 College Football Playoff National Championship: Clemson, Oklahoma, Georgia, and Alabama. College football fans erupted either in cheers of delight or jeers of anguish.
Many have wondered whether the Committee made the right selections. Should the Committee have selected those four squads? The answer, quite clearly, is “no.” After a careful analysis, here are the four teams that clearly should have been selected to play for the national championship:
First, it’s clear that Harvard should have been selected. Although Harvard only finished the season at 5-5, Harvard is known as being the best at EVERYTHING. Simply put, if you go to Harvard, you are simply the best. Harvard’s magic pixie dust rubs off on you and automatically makes you vastly more amazing than everyone else. Not surprisingly, Harvard is highly accredited in football, having officially won 12 prior national championships — although it honestly should have won every prior national championship simply by virtue of being Harvard. Under the circumstances, we are astounded that Harvard has been denied the opportunity to play for the national championship this season. Harvard is about equal opportunity. It should not have been denied equal opportunity here.
Similarly, just as Harvard deserved to be selected, Yale deserved to be selected as well. Yale is commonly recognized as the #2 university in the world behind Harvard. Although technically Yale finished with a superior 9-1 record this season, Yale is still obviously second-best to Harvard — but clearly better than everyone else. Known as the “Gay Ivy,” Yale adds much needed diversity, particularly on the LGBT front. As ESPN’s coverage of the Michael Sam episode reveals, homosexuality is extremely important in college football. Notably, both Hillary and Bill Clinton and Hillary Clinton both graduated from Yale Law School. Although Hillary flunked the bar exam and Bill was subsequently disbarred, Yale’s amazing alumni roster shows that it is clearly among the best at everything, including college football. Notably, Yale has won 27 prior national championships in college football — far more than any of the teams selected this year. Yale undoubtedly deserves to play for another one this year.
The third choice was a close call — Princeton or Columbia? We went with Columbia. Both are Ivy League superpowers. Although Princeton has 28 prior national championships compared to just one for Columbia, Princeton is way too WASPish for our “hot-sauce-in-a-handbag” taste. Columbia is much edgier and more diverse. Moreover, Columbia finished the season at an excellent 8-2 while Princeton limped to a pathetic 5-5 record — making Princeton clearly undeserving of a spot in the national championship. Notably, Barack Hussein Obama attended Columbia University at the undergrad level. That means Columbia is clearly the best at everything. Columbia undoubtedly deserves to play for the championship as well.
Finally, we selected Howard University for our final spot. Known as the “Black Harvard,” Howard is just as good as Harvard at everything — only blacker and therefore better. In selecting schools, we also needed a diversity pick to meet the mandatory 25% quota for oppressed People of Color. Although Howard only finished at 7-4 this season and has never won a national championship, Howard is a historically black university and is based in the #1 ranked city in the country — Washington, D.C. Everything from Washington, D.C. is good, including Howard. Howard should undoubtedly be in the playoffs as well.
The facts could not be any clearer: Harvard, Yale, Columbia, and Howard deserve to play for a national championship. We demand that the College Football Playoff Committee remedy the situation immediately.