The X-Men film series is a cinematic juggernaut. So far Marvel has released ten films, which collectively have grossed almost $5 billion. People love the X-Men, and everything about the X-Men universe. Not surprisingly, though, many have wondered: who would the X-Men be in real life? The issue is undoubtedly important. As progressives, it’s our job to make our fantasies reality, just like ObamaCare and Russian collusion. After carefully considering the issue, here are our accredited “real life” X-Men:
Professor X: Stephen Hawking
- Like Professor X, Stephen Hawking is the smartest person in the world. He is also confined to a wheelchair and actively believes in important progressive ideals, including socialism, global governance, and apocalyptic climate change. Notably, Professor X’s “X-Mansion” bears remarkable similarity to socialist communal housing, such as Brook Farm and Fruitlands. Who better to lead a socialist commune than the smartest person ever?
Magneto: George Soros
- Soros has an amazing ability to control metals — especially metals in the currency and precious metals’ markets. Like Magneto, Soros also survived the Holocaust and has issues with the “dark side” (capitalism) as a result. Soros is somewhat evil, but deep down he’s one of the good guys who fights for the rights of all mutants, including progressives.
Storm: Michelle Obama
- Like Storm, Michelle Obama is beautiful, black, and amazingly fit. She knows nutrition and also has the ability to control the weather to prevent global warming.
Colossus: James Comey
- Comey is freaking huge — he is literally 6’8” tall. Also, Comey briefly served in the Trump administration, so he is almost assuredly of Russian origin, just like Colossus.
Rogue: Chelsea Clinton
- Like Rogue, Chelsea Clinton originally hails from the South and is a beautiful Southern belle. Making any kind of contact with Chelsea will also probably kill you — sort of like looking at Medusa.
Banshee: Hillary Clinton
- Like Banshee, Clinton possesses a “sonic scream” capable of harming enemies’ auditory systems. In Irish mythology, banshees were womyn; in contrast, the X-Men character self-identified as male. Clinton, however, is a perfect fit for both given xer love of pantsuits and short haircuts.
Warpath (Thunderbird): Elizabeth Warren
- Originally known as Thunderbird, Warpath is a Native American mutant who initially fought for the bad guys, just like Native American Elizabeth Warren who started off as an evil Republican before joining the Democrat Party. Like Warpath, Warren possesses the powers of superhuman strength and speed. Don’t mess with the CFPB, or Warpath will tomahawk you!
Cyclops: Carl Levin
- Like Cyclops, Carl Levin has serious eye issues that give him superpowers. One look at Levin with his glasses down is instant death.
Iceman: Barney Frank
- In the X-Men movies, Iceman is portrayed as a normal guy with icy powers who dates Rogue. In the comics, however, Iceman is revealed to be a homosexual mutant, just like Barney Frank. Surprisingly, Iceman and Frank also share the same ice-related superpowers. Using his freezing abilities, Frank managed to freeze the financial markets for years as the Chairperson of the House Financial Services Committee. Leave Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac alone!
Beast: Al Sharpton
- Like Beast, Al Sharpton has extreme intelligence, agility, and strength. Sharpton is also furry and readily changes from scrawny genius to angry beast-mode, and back.
Jean Grey (Phoenix): Nancy Pelosi
- Like Grey, Pelosi is amazingly youthful-looking with Botox-related superpowers. If only she could control her unbelievable powers, evil would never stand a chance.
Nightcrawler: John Conyers
- He creeps, he crawls, and he has a spiky tail — his name is John Conyers. Close the windows, and lock the doors — or Nightcrawler will get you!
Kitty Pryde: Barack Hussein Obama
- Like Kitty Pryde, Obama posses a “phasing” ability that allows anything he touches to become intangible — including himself. Oh, and no one exemplifies “Pryde” more than our first “Gay President,” Barack Hussein Obama.
Deadpool: Robert Mueller
- Like Deadpool, Robert Mueller is a disfigured, mentally unstable (i.e., Republican) mercenary. He works for money, but he also targets the evil Trump administration. Either way, it’s entertaining as hell. Get him, Mueller!
Mystique: Kirsten Gillibrand
- Who is she? A tobacco-loving scumbag lawyer — or a progressive activist? Or both? A master of disguise, Kirsten Gillibrand knows how to adapt to any situation.
Wolverine: Bernie Sanders
- No one is more ferocious than Bernie Sanders. At 76 years old, Sanders also has amazing healing power — and crazy hair to boot. No more tax cuts for the rich!
Apocalypse: Donald Trump
- Who else?