Santa Claus: A Force For Good Or Evil?

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Santa Claus: contemplating rape, child abuse, and the patriarchy. No different to any other white male


Until the election of Herr Donald Drumpf, it was considered the norm to wish your neighbors and colleagues ‘Happy Holidays!’ around this time of year.  This secular and inclusive greeting cost absolutely nothing to say, and most people appreciated the friendly gesture.

In these tyrannical times, however, Drumpf’s shock-troops now require – on pain of death – that everyone utter the hateful phrase ‘Happy Christmas!’ In these dark days, perhaps nothing symbolises the loss of basic freedoms in the USA more than being forced to make reference to the birth of Christ.  Why would anyone inflict such suffering on another human being, though? As every scientist knows, hearing the word ‘Christmas’ causes instant permanent emotional scarring to all Muslims, Jews, Atheists and other non-Christians.  Hey, evil Christian: why not just throw burning acid in some Muslim’s face as you wish them a ‘Happy Christmas’ just to show how privileged you really are? Are you happy now?

On the other hand, there is something far worse than mere words: namely, the character known as ‘Father Christmas’ or ‘Santa Claus’.  Generations of children have grown up believing Santa Claus to be a benevolent old man, who kindly delivered presents to them each Christmas morning. He was supposed to represent the ‘magic of Christmas’, a bit of innocent fun, someone who embodied generosity, employed many thousands of elves, good humor, strong morals (if you weren’t ‘good’, you risked receiving nothing) etc. The progressive reality is sadly quite different, as we explain below. But first, let us explain who Santa Claus is.

Whilst sources differ, most historians agree that the legend of ‘Santa Claus’ is originally based on a fourth-century bishop called Nicholas, who lived in Myra, in Asia Minor.  Using the inheritance given to him (yes, you did nothing to earn it!) on his parents’ death, Nicholas basically helped the poor and gave secret gifts to people who needed it.  One of the most famous of all stories corcerning Nicholas claims the following:

There was a poor man who had three daughters. He was so poor, he did not have enough money for a dowry, so his daughters couldn’t get married. (A dowry is a sum of money paid to the bridegroom by the brides parents on the wedding day. This still happens in some countries, even today.) One night, Nicholas secretly dropped a bag of gold down the chimney and into the house (This meant that the oldest daughter was then able to be married.). The bag fell into a stocking that had been hung by the fire to dry! This was repeated later with the second daughter. Finally, determined to discover the person who had given him the money, the father secretly hid by the fire every evening until he caught Nicholas dropping in a bag of gold. Nicholas begged the man to not tell anyone what he had done, because he did not want to bring attention to himself. But soon the news got out and when anyone received a secret gift, it was thought that maybe it was from Nicholas.

This is all very touching but we need to consider the hidden symbolism of Santa Claus and the hatefulness of all he represents.  We need to bear in mind:

  • Santa is a privileged white male. Really, do we need to say more?
  • He employs the services of deer to drag his heavy sleigh around the world.  This is animal exploitation, if not outright speciesism.  It seems to us that fattie Santa could do with the exercise; maybe Rudolph should be the one to take the reins and Santa do the pulling for once.
  • When he comes ‘down the chimney’, this is essentially symbolic of and tantamount to heterosexual rape. Santa ‘comes down’ billions of chimneys on a single night and is therefore the worst mass rapist in history. As well as the biggest consumer of Viagra.
  • The billions of ‘presents’ he delivers when he ’emerges from billions of chimneys’ symbolize male sperm, trying their utmost to impregnate womyn.
  • Santa apparently works alone on Christmas Eve, seemingly having no need for female helpers. He is as sexist as they come
  • His elves are paid less than the minimal wage, are undocumented, and have no voting rights
  • He happily consumers brandy/ some other liquor at each house he visits, thus breaching federal laws on drink driving, as well as offending Muslims
  • Children are forced to sit on his knee without written consent.  OK, so he’s minor-attracted, which would normally make him a victim, but all the foregoing count against him.
  • He is based on a (Christian) saint.  He needs to check his privilege.

No doubt, I’ve forgotten other hateful aspects about Santa Claus.  Feel free to record them in the comments box. We urgently need to replace this white male with a more progressive hero.  How about Uncle Joe Stalin delivering record grain harvests to needy families on May Day? Or Chairmas Mao writing down ‘who’s naughty and nice’ in his little red book?  These are certainly better role models than an octogenarian with a fake Muslim beard.

Bureaucrat
Bureaucrat

I don’t know much about Santa, but there is one thing I know for sure: If there is a Santa, Trump will undoubtedly be getting coal on December 25.

Bureaucrat
Bureaucrat

And Comrades – IT is happening!

I am sitting here right now writing a letter to Santa to demand that xe grants the December 25 wish of Senator Kirsten Gillibrand:

http://www.cnn.com/2017/12/11/politics/trump-resign-gillibrand-sexual-assault/index.html

Black Lives Matter

She is so principled. It’s not like her demand on Al Franken was a political set-up so she could attack Trump. If only she were a Person of Color or a Clinton, I might consider supporting in 2020.

MillionDollarBonus

This is surely the beginning of the end for Trump. Allegations are the same as proof!

Black Lives Matter

Here’s my question. Whites knowingly allow a person from Asia Minor — Turkey — to enter into their houses every December 24-25th. So why the HELL do they have a problem if other People of Color from Turkey today enter into their countries, and why do they have a problem when African-Americans enter into their houses on other days? It’s racism, plain and simple.

Make my votes count
Make my votes count

Santa is so 2010. Go Fund me is how you get your wishes fulfilled now.

Matter of fact I have set up a go fund me for Don Lemon. He was bullied by Trump.
A white boy was bullied and his momma set up a go fund me. He got $55 thousand. Of course his momma had a few Facebook posts that showed she was racist. Last I saw there were 1.2 million tweets expressing their opinions.

I should be able to get a few million $ for Don. He’s black and gay and liberal.

MillionDollarBonus

Don Lemon is ageing fast because of Trump. Just like Keith Olbermann. It’s really to sad to see how stressed out they are, and how mad Trump is driving them. They should consider getting testosterone reduction therapy, like Brian Stelter – he is cool, calm and collected even in the face of extreme adversity. Having low T makes you feel like a jellyfish moving passively and calmly with the tides. You don’t feel angry or stressed out like Don and Keith are.

MillionDollarBonus

Absolutely excellent expose of this fascist white male masquerading as a saint, Pbier! Santa Clause looks like a typical far-right prepper, with his beard and snow gear. I wouldn’t be surprised if his basement is stocked with guns and ammo that he plans to use to resist our progressive takeover. Santa Clause is a TERRORIST! Why is he even in the North Pole? That country belongs to ESKIMOS! White males are not even welcome there!

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