Until the election of Herr Donald Drumpf, it was considered the norm to wish your neighbors and colleagues ‘Happy Holidays!’ around this time of year. This secular and inclusive greeting cost absolutely nothing to say, and most people appreciated the friendly gesture.
In these tyrannical times, however, Drumpf’s shock-troops now require – on pain of death – that everyone utter the hateful phrase ‘Happy Christmas!’ In these dark days, perhaps nothing symbolises the loss of basic freedoms in the USA more than being forced to make reference to the birth of Christ. Why would anyone inflict such suffering on another human being, though? As every scientist knows, hearing the word ‘Christmas’ causes instant permanent emotional scarring to all Muslims, Jews, Atheists and other non-Christians. Hey, evil Christian: why not just throw burning acid in some Muslim’s face as you wish them a ‘Happy Christmas’ just to show how privileged you really are? Are you happy now?
On the other hand, there is something far worse than mere words: namely, the character known as ‘Father Christmas’ or ‘Santa Claus’. Generations of children have grown up believing Santa Claus to be a benevolent old man, who kindly delivered presents to them each Christmas morning. He was supposed to represent the ‘magic of Christmas’, a bit of innocent fun, someone who embodied generosity, employed many thousands of elves, good humor, strong morals (if you weren’t ‘good’, you risked receiving nothing) etc. The progressive reality is sadly quite different, as we explain below. But first, let us explain who Santa Claus is.
Whilst sources differ, most historians agree that the legend of ‘Santa Claus’ is originally based on a fourth-century bishop called Nicholas, who lived in Myra, in Asia Minor. Using the inheritance given to him (yes, you did nothing to earn it!) on his parents’ death, Nicholas basically helped the poor and gave secret gifts to people who needed it. One of the most famous of all stories corcerning Nicholas claims the following:
“There was a poor man who had three daughters. He was so poor, he did not have enough money for a dowry, so his daughters couldn’t get married. (A dowry is a sum of money paid to the bridegroom by the brides parents on the wedding day. This still happens in some countries, even today.) One night, Nicholas secretly dropped a bag of gold down the chimney and into the house (This meant that the oldest daughter was then able to be married.). The bag fell into a stocking that had been hung by the fire to dry! This was repeated later with the second daughter. Finally, determined to discover the person who had given him the money, the father secretly hid by the fire every evening until he caught Nicholas dropping in a bag of gold. Nicholas begged the man to not tell anyone what he had done, because he did not want to bring attention to himself. But soon the news got out and when anyone received a secret gift, it was thought that maybe it was from Nicholas.”
This is all very touching but we need to consider the hidden symbolism of Santa Claus and the hatefulness of all he represents. We need to bear in mind:
- Santa is a privileged white male. Really, do we need to say more?
- He employs the services of deer to drag his heavy sleigh around the world. This is animal exploitation, if not outright speciesism. It seems to us that fattie Santa could do with the exercise; maybe Rudolph should be the one to take the reins and Santa do the pulling for once.
- When he comes ‘down the chimney’, this is essentially symbolic of and tantamount to heterosexual rape. Santa ‘comes down’ billions of chimneys on a single night and is therefore the worst mass rapist in history. As well as the biggest consumer of Viagra.
- The billions of ‘presents’ he delivers when he ’emerges from billions of chimneys’ symbolize male sperm, trying their utmost to impregnate womyn.
- Santa apparently works alone on Christmas Eve, seemingly having no need for female helpers. He is as sexist as they come
- His elves are paid less than the minimal wage, are undocumented, and have no voting rights
- He happily consumers brandy/ some other liquor at each house he visits, thus breaching federal laws on drink driving, as well as offending Muslims
- Children are forced to sit on his knee without written consent. OK, so he’s minor-attracted, which would normally make him a victim, but all the foregoing count against him.
- He is based on a (Christian) saint. He needs to check his privilege.
No doubt, I’ve forgotten other hateful aspects about Santa Claus. Feel free to record them in the comments box. We urgently need to replace this white male with a more progressive hero. How about Uncle Joe Stalin delivering record grain harvests to needy families on May Day? Or Chairmas Mao writing down ‘who’s naughty and nice’ in his little red book? These are certainly better role models than an octogenarian with a fake Muslim beard.