As many of you may have noticed, the AT was defaced yesterday afternoon with an image of a snake and a sinister Slavic name, causing chaos at the AT offices. This came in the middle of my early Kwanza preparations, which was highly distressful and forced me to return to the office from my shopping trip for traditional Kwanza tree decorations such as mini pyramids and sphinx’s, and Malt Liquor to pour out in honor of this year’s innocent victims of police brutality. I was abruptly woken by a desperate emails from our readers that the AT had been hacked by the Russians, and I looked with horror as the AT loaded on my iPhone X with a picture of a snake glaring at me sneeringly instead of our beautiful front page.
I immediately called our chief engineer of color, LaDarious, and explained the problem politely, but he had already left the office and wasn’t prepared to come back in to fix it. He threatened me with a racism lawsuit for asking him to come in so late in the afternoon, but I made him a generous overtime pay offer, and eventually he grudgingly agreed to come in to resolve the issue.
If it hadn’t been for LaDarious, the AT may have gone offline forever. I’m still in shock after this terrible hack, and am living in constant fear of the Russian mafia and Trump’s fascist government. Please be vigilant, AT staff – none of us are safe.