It’s that day of the year again – the day that progressives despise the most, and just can’t wait to be over. The day when racist white America smiles and celebrates its privilege with lavish gifts, glutinous meals and tops it off with jolly Christmas carols just to rub it into the faces of less fortunate people of color and offended Muslims and Jews. So as we all cower away in our lonely one room minimalist apartments, and try to pass the time and ignore the repulsive Christmas joy by posting angry comments on social media and “binge watching” Netflix, here’s a thought to ponder – is Santa Claus really the benevolent, kind old gentleman that he’s made out to be?
Given his fame and glory, Santa Claus is one of the few white males who seems to have escaped criticism for Slavery, The Holocaust, The Crusades and Rape Culture. It’s as if his whiteness is totally ignored and he is absolved of all guilt, simply because of his unearned fame as the self-proclaimed giver of Christmas joy. Unlike progressive white males, Santa Claus’s body language doesn’t give off the faintest hint of guilt or shame, as he walks around with a permanent smile on his face, projecting an almost eerie level of self-righteousness and self-satisfaction. Combine this with his whiteness, his beard, his reverence within the white Christian world, and his proclivity for inhabiting remote, cold and inhospitable places, and there is only one conclusion any objective person can come to: Santa Claus is a hardcore, bonified white supremacist.
In his excellent article, Pbier pondered the question of whether Santa Claus is a force for good or a force for evil in the world. Well, I believe my analysis adds some clarity to that question, and makes a very convincing case that Santa Claus is most definitely a force for evil, even though good and evil don’t exist and everything is relative.
Everything about Santa Claus screams right-wing pepper nutcase – the beard, the secrecy, the remote location, the obsession with “family values”, and his preference for Western white countries. Santa Claus most certainly voted for Trump, and his proximity to Russia suggests that he may even be a key player in the Trump-Russia collusion scandal, which is still the top story as the first piece of evidence for it appears more imminent than ever. Trump’s favorite colors are red, white and black, the same colors as the Nazi flag! Look, if it was just one thing linking him to white supremacy, you could brush it aside, but all of these pieces of evidence together? It really doesn’t take a genius to put two and two together to get “many” (African counting system) and work out that Santa Claus is practically a KKK grand wizard, just like Michael Harriot.
According to quantum progressive theory, everything progressives believe and feel is true, even when we contradict each other, because we all have our own truths, which trump the truths of right wingers every time. This is only possible because of quantum physics, so right wingers aren’t allowed to disagree with us about this article. If the Christmas joy is really getting to you, and you happen to be in the Portland area, then please PM me as we’re doing a spirit cooking dinner tonight. And to all lonely and angry progressives out there, I wish you a merry Kwanza and a happy new Soltice.