Three weeks into the New Year, and my guess is that many people’s resolution to finally ‘get fit’ and ‘lose some weight’ is already falling by the way-side. It was all so predictable say the cynics. So many ‘weak-willed’ individuals blithely piled on the pounds during Kwanzaa, gorging on vegan tempura and high-calorie drinks, naively believing they would lose it instantly by running for five minutes on the treadmill. They shelled out hundreds if not thousands of dollars in gym annual subscription fees, only to abandon the gym after maybe one or two visits.
As they now revert to the sedentary Netflix-filled life whence they came, it turns out they made a smart decision to leave the gym behind. Contrary to popular belief, physical exercise is not only unnatural, it is actually extremely dangerous to one’s health. We’re not even referring to people suffering heart attacks during a jog (although this happens with frequent regularity), or even the myriad injuries that can befall cyclists, runners, archery enthusiasts. The problem is much more basic than that.
According to many health studies, humans only have a finite number of heartbeats. Once the last heartbeat is done, you become lifeforce-challenged. According to the rate of living theory, the faster your metabolism, the shorter your lifespan. The average human gets approximately 2.21 billion heartbeats in a lifetime, just a few more than a chicken which gets 2.17 billion heartbeats.
However, the chicken’s average resting heartrate is 275 versus 60 for a human, meaning that we get to live to 70 years whereas the chicken’s final heartbeat occurs at the age of 15 (assuming it is not murdered before then to feed evil humans).
It is well-known that cardiovascular exercise elevates the heart rate; this, after all, is said to be the purpose of doing sports like running, rowing, cycling, the theory being that such exercise makes one ‘fitter’. Elevating the heart rate in this way is about the worst possible thing you can do, because you use up your finite heartbeats much quicker. Assuming that your heartbeat rises to 180 when you run, then, using simple arithmetic, you will surely die at the age of about 23 were you to run 24 hours each day, beginning as a newborn baby.
Already I hear the objections from the dissenters. Surely, they say, if your cardiovascular fitness improves then your resting pulse will decrease, meaning that your heartbeats will take longer to get used up. Instead of having resting pulse of 60, you might get it down to say 50, 40 etc. You might then die at 80 rather than 70.
This is a spurious argument, however, which ignores the above example of someone running 24 hours a day. Such a fitness fantatic never gets to rest so it is a fallacy to speak of a ‘resting pulse’. Moreover, even if athlete does take a break and experiences a lower ‘resting pulse’, the fitter he/ she gets, the lower the resting pulse. Eventually the resting pulse trends towards zero. By definition, someone with zero pulse is dead. Hardly healthy!
Exercising is also ruinous to the economy. Say you decide to walk rather than drive the 100 metre journey to collect your copy of the Accredited Times. Sounds healthy, right? Wrong! Now, you have no need of your car, let alone needing to buy a new one. People get laid off, factories shut down, the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia grinds to a standstill because selfish people like you no longer need gas. Fuck you, you just caused millions of hard-working people to lose their jobs because of your precious ‘health regime’.
Exercise is just wrong on so many levels. It makes you sweaty, thus polluting your environment; it releases natural endorphins instead of making you take accredited pharmaceutical drugs to get a proper high. Exercise is morally wrong, mortally dangerous and needs stamping out.