How To Attract And Retain Millennial Employees

27
248


(Matthew 6:19-21) 44The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and in his joy he went and sold all he had and bought that field. 45Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant in search of fine pearls. 46When he found one very precious pearl, he went away and sold all he had and bought it.

Why on Allah’s green Earth do we begin with a quote from the book which should check its privilege everywhere it is sold?

Because, although it is sexist, racist, homophobic, Satanophobic, Islamophobic, in Saint Matthew’s verse we have one of the best descriptions of the average millennial employee.  For millennials truly are like ‘a treasure hidden in a field’ or ‘one very precious pearl’.  Any company which manages to attract and retain a millennial employee is incredibly fortunate and well worth investing in.

In the distant past, employees enjoyed little job security. They could be ’employee of the month’ one day and out on the streets ‘on their ear’ the next, for no particular reason. Such people fretted over ‘being at work at time’, ‘putting in a good shift’, doing their utmost to demonstrate grovelling loyalty to their exacting employer at all times. Usually, they died of stress at the age of 50. Nobody mourned their passing, they were easily replaced, and their epitaph was ‘could have done better.’

Millennials are Allah’s literal gift to the 21st century economy. Paradoxically, despite the apparent threat to their employment from digitalization, replacement by robots, globalisation, mass immigration, cost-cutting etc. millennials have a high sense of their worth. Rather than asking what they can do for their employer (pace Kennedy), a more apposite question for them is what employers can do for millennials?

Whist we’re not exactly sure why millennials deserve special treatment, the reality is that they are demanding it and therefore it is cumbersome on today’s employers to adapt themselves to millennials’ demands. If employers fail to take the following advice to heart, they only have themselves to blame if their millennial employees abandon them in droves and subsequently file for bankruptcy. We recommend that all employers put the following in place to attract and retain their millennial employees:

– install chill-out ‘zen’ zones on every floor with recliners/ sun beds. Because desks and chairs are so 1990. Such zones will allow your cool staff to think creatively, allowing you to solve even the most complex of business issues that have been occupying senior staff’s minds for years.

– games. Lots of them. It could be foosball/ table soccer or else something from Nintendo. If in doubt, ask your millennial employees, who are best placed to know. Whilst it might look like you are paying eye watering salaries to 20-something arts graduates just for pissing around, the reality is that they are thinking on a strategic level 30 years into the future.

– a career path to the CEO position…quickly. In the old unenlighted days, an employee might have to work his/ her whole life before being offered a position of serious responsibility. Nowadays, a millennial needs a cast-bitcoin guarantee that they will get to the board of directors before the age of 30. Ok, so at that age, people are bound to make mistakes. But, isn’t the whole point that people learn from their mistakes and become better as a result? If so, we should be promoting millenials to the C-Suite right now so that they can make as many mistakes as possible.

– flexitime. It’s inhuman to expect a human to get out of bed before 10am and at their chill-out zone before midday.

– sabbaticals/ career breaks. Consider introducing these even before your millennial employee actually starts work. When they do eventually join you, they will be more rounded individuals

In concluding, it is rare that the world is gifted with such an intrinsically talented generation as the millenials. Employers simply can’t do enough to retain and attract them.

Leave a Reply

27 Comments on "How To Attract And Retain Millennial Employees"

Notify of
avatar
Photo and Image Files
 
 
 
Audio and Video Files
 
 
 
Other File Types
 
 
 
MillionDollarBonus

The millennials are tech savvy and know how to use smart phones. It’s hard for older, technophobic generations to compete with people who know how to use apps and how to network on facebook and linkedin. It’s also rightful though that the most heavy criticism of millennials comes from the boomers, who demonstrated all the principles of work ethic and personal responsibility they say the millennials are lacking at woodstock and during the sexual revolution. Now that the boomers are retiring, smart millennials will usher in a compassionate Bernie Sanders style government to take care of them after they didn’t save anything for their retirements. Millennials also understand that feelings matter, so companies need create work environments that ban disagreement and conflict, and kill dissent of any kind.

Black Lives Matter

Bernie is so cool. He’s like a combination of Al Gore, Ralph Nader, and George Soros.

MillionDollarBonus

Bernie is the grandaddy I never had, who wants to spoil me with endless goodies and free things. If we’d had Bernie, every day would be Kwanzaa.

IThinkThereforeIAm
IThinkThereforeIAm

Since you’re white and born a male are you entitled to receive “endless goodies and free things?” I mean if you’re not Jewish or anything. I need some free stuff but as a progressive white male, I feel too guilty to ask for it.

MillionDollarBonus

I’m progressive! We’ll be helping minorities too, but there’s enough to go around. Yeah, we’re both guilty, but rich capitalist white males are even more guilty than we are, and we should be able to take their money guilt free.

trav777

yes. there’s nowhere near enough diversity in that picture…is this Stormfront?

drb6

Can I flag the article or at least the picture as “racist”? C’mon, it is the current fucking year, not 1955! Everyone knows that young urban professional class is dominated by African Americans, with a vanishingly small proportion of whites and Asians!

MillionDollarBonus

Normally it’s one token white female, and if there’s a white male he has to be gay.

Mules! Proof of Allahs Kindness
Mules! Proof of Allahs Kindness

None of them look like hams

TedCruz
TedCruz

1. Make sure deprogramming completed. 2. Train them how to operate the coffee machine. 3. Inform them the nearest blood plasma center for gas money. 4. Test for walk & chew gum. 5. Determine if they can diagram sentences. 6. Determine if they can remember job expectations. 7. Hire the one who passes; terminate the rest.

“Don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya.”

Black Lives Matter

Your “test” would not survive the EEOC or the courts. It’s clearly racist.

TedCruz
TedCruz

It is an NBA-endorsed test of knuckle dragging without actually dragging the ground. If the NBA does it, then it’s OK.

Black Lives Matter

I have eight cousins in the NBA. You are full of crap, Lyin’ Ted.

Mules! Proof of Allahs Kindness
Mules! Proof of Allahs Kindness

Place a plate of cheese in the interview room

see how much they eat

and how much they steal

Bill Gated
Bill Gated

Doesn’t look like anyone in the photo eats cheese. They might steal some for their parents though.

Black Lives Matter

Free Starbucks and “skinny jeans” Fridays.

MillionDollarBonus

And mustache and goatee days to raise awareness about prostate cancer. Who says progressives can’t be masculine?

Black Lives Matter

Every weekend should include an AIDS Walk also. Walking and virtue signaling are sure to cure the most important disease ever. Quarantines are homophobic and racist.

MillionDollarBonus

Yes, raising awareness is the way to solve all problems. Inconvenient pragmatic solutions are just too scary to even think about.

IThinkThereforeIAm
IThinkThereforeIAm

I wish I was a millennial… At work I tried asking for some of the perks mentioned in the article and was told “Shut-up and get back to work you wanna be snowflake.”

MillionDollarBonus

You need to learn how to file a lawsuit ITTIA. They all learn it in college equality studies these days.

IThinkThereforeIAm
IThinkThereforeIAm

After paying alimony and child support for my family that left me for an 18 year old colored transgendered vegan, plus all of the expenses towards my healthcare premium and taxes. I’m left with $17.76 per week for food for a 70 hour week. I don’t have the time to go back to college and the attorney I called concerning a lawsuit against my employer said “Suck it up white boy and get back to work, you had this coming since Yakub created you vile pos.”

MillionDollarBonus

Well I guess the attorney is right then. Get back to work and check your white male privilege!

Mules! Proof of Allahs Kindness
Mules! Proof of Allahs Kindness

Yakub was not right in the head

Probably elephantiasis.

Black Lives Matter

Whites are devils.

wpDiscuz