As the hyped up Nunes memo turns out to be a complete and total nothing burger, showing only that accredited officials paid for intelligence granting a FISA warrant to monitor Trump’s every move, attention has turned back to the biggest controversy of this year – Trump’s appalling eating habits. In his groundbreaking book, “Fire and Fury” investigative journalist Michael Wolff reveals that Trump leads a sordid and chaotic life, filled with all kinds of embarrassing faux pas. Perhaps the highlight of the book though, is its exposé on Trump’s frankly repulsive eating habits.
This is not the first time we’ve heard about Trump’s hideous relationship with food, and his callous, gung-ho attitude to diet and human health. Slob doesn’t even begin to describe Trump and his gross personal habits. This is a man who doesn’t exercise, believes that the sun is good for you, and works 16 to 20 hours a day with no sleep, while subsisting on the standard American redneck diet of fast food, soda and ice cream. It’s actually a wonder that he hasn’t simply dropped dead, given how appalling his health must be. Trump literally looks like a galactic slug from the planet orange, with a bloated gut full of fried and processed food. It’s no wonder that he sometimes has the “sniffles” at press conferences or at Trump rallies after getting off a plane and working for 16 hours straight. At least Obama knew how to relax with a few golf games, a couple of Hawaiian vacations and a visit to Jeffrey Epstein’s luxury island resort to enjoy a few $60,000 gourmet hot dogs. Trump doesn’t know when to take a break, even to spend time with his Eastern European postal bride, who must be desperate for a real man like Justin Trudeau.
So let’s turn to the highlight of the book, Trump’s most hideous habit of all. According to a guy who told some girl, who told another girl who told a guy who told a non-binary who told Michael Wolff, Trump likes to lie in bed with his shirt half unbuttoned and his disgusting orange stomach hanging out, eating cheeseburger after cheeseburger while shouting at three booming TV’s at the top of his lungs. Trump is literally like the step dad from Matilda or Harry Potter – the quintessential abusive white working class husband, with no manners, no class and no nuance or sophistication. Trump even fed the Japanese koi fish with President Abe just like he stuffs his own mouth, by dumping the entire box of fish food into the water all at once, probably suffocating the innocent fish and certainly horrifying the whole of Japan.
Trump’s drinking habits are equally disgusting. According to top investigative and undercover journalists, Trump enjoys drinking 12 diet cokes a day. Now, I know we told you for over a decade that aspartame is actually healthy, but just consider that diet cokes might be bad for you for a second. 12 diet cokes! Just imagine the impact on his health from the sugar … well, not sugar, but … ummm … something! Too much water, that’s it. Too much water is bad for you because it removes electrolytes! Trump probably doesn’t have any electrolytes! And by the way, other headline news has indicated that Trump once took a break from a speech to drink water! What kind of freak even does that?
And to top it off, what does Trump like to eat for dessert? Two scoops of ice cream! While his other staff members only get one! Yes, you heard that correctly – Trump gives himself two scoops of ice cream, while his staff members only get one. Unbelievable right? Other reports have indicated that when Trump is in private, he likes to eat a whole tub of ice cream! A whole tub!
It is well known by psychologists that a man’s eating habits are a window into his soul, and Trump’s diet undoubtedly indicates a deeply unstable, callous and dysfunctional man. If Americans and soon-to-be-American dreamers have any sense whatsoever, they will replace this brute with Oprah in 2020, who, judging by her slim and beautiful figure, has an incredibly dignified, healthy and frugal diet.