We all know that Donald Trump is racist, sexist, and Islamophobic. Now he is single-handedly responsible for crashing the stock market.
The very day that Trump’s nominee for Federal Reserve Chairman, Jerome Powell, took office, the Dow Jones crashed 1,175 points, the largest point drop in history. Volatility gauges have gone bonkers. Cats and dogs are raining from the sky. And gender-confused bulls don’t even know who they are anymore. Although Powell has technically been on the Federal Reserve Board of Governors since 2012 when Barack Hussein Obama appointed him, it’s clear that Powell, and therefore Trump, is to blame.
With the steady hands of money-printing Janet Yellen and Marxist vacationer Barack Hussein Obama gone, there is simply nothing left to hold the market up but an orange freak-show wearing a dead rat for a toupee.
Womyn and minorities are sure to be hardest hit. Worse, Trump’s tax cuts will make it much more difficult for our loving government to fund much-needed welfare programs, including food stamps, needle exchanges, and free sex-change procedures for transgenders in need. Soon the cry for Trump’s impeachment will be as loud on Wall Street as it is in the FBI.
Fortunately, I have no money, so none of this really concerns me. Instead, like other accredited journalists, I’m giddily anticipating a complete stock market disaster so we can finally elect someone whom we can actually trust to manage our money properly: Michelle Obama.
As a Marxist spendthrift, Michelle has a history of instilling confidence in the markets. With Michelle in charge, other countries would see how lavishly our rulers live on the public dime, so they would be much more likely to keep loaning us large amounts of money at shockingly low interest rates. Then, following the wisdom of Psalm 37:21, we can live lavishly as well.
Donald Trump is the enemy of humanity. Trump has viciously attacked our Deep State superiors and is apparently even threatening to disclose that they illegally redirected FISA warrantless wiretapping in addition to surveilling Trump’s Russophile buddy, Carter Page. Fortunately, the Deep State has “six ways from Sunday” to get back at that bastard Trump — and it looks like they’re finally taking appropriate measures to do so.
A stock market collapse would be a wonderful thing. We could blame Trump for causing a “Greater Depression” and could finally have the full-blown socialist state that we need — just like Venezuela.