Accredited News Digest #2

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Greetings to all loyal readers of AT, the premier accredited news site on the Internet. Most important news snippets from the last week:

1. In a shocking and highly sexist development, California Democratic Assemblywoman Cristina Garcia, the head of the Legislative Women’s Caucus and a leading figure in the state’s anti-sexual harassment movement, is accused of groping a male staffer. Garcia reportedly stroked Daniel Fierro’s back, squeezed his buttocks and attempted to touch his crotch in a dugout after a legislative softball game in 2014. Here at AT we think that this is yet another example of male chauvinism, sexism, and racism. Men simply can not be sexually assaulted, as they are the Gender of Rapists and Perverts according to every single article we read in accredited media.

https://www.sfgate.com/news/politics/article/Male-staffer-accuses-California-assemblywoman-of-12563278.php

2. We knew all along that ISIS is not representative of Muslims and now we have a definitive proof. It turns out that well-known group of Brits, called “the Beatles”, are allegedly responsible for murdering approximately two dozen hostages in Syria in order to give Islam a bad name.

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2018/feb/08/british-isis-fighters-syria-defence-force

3. Important: Nancy Pelosi wore four-inch heels to give an eight-hour speech. Xe held that floor in a pair of stilettos. You go, girl:

https://www.glamour.com/story/nancy-pelosi-defended-daca-eight-hours-in-four-inch-heels

4. The most important news of the month: pregnant Khloé and Kim Kardashian pull up to a McDonald’s drive-thru in a Rolls-Royce. A must-read for everyone:

https://www.yahoo.com/entertainment/pregnant-khlo-kim-kardashian-pull-192129198.html

5. How can Facebook promote meaningful interaction between users? By letting them downvote inappropriate comments to hide them. Facebook is now testing a downvote button on a limited set of public Page post comment reels. We are confident that a limited set of conservative pages will be sufficiently downvoted so that only accredited opinions will be visible:

https://techcrunch.com/2018/02/08/facebook-downvote-button/

6. Horror story, filled with speciesism, sexism, corporate greed, and hamster genocide. A Spirit passenger claims employees suggested xe flush xer emotional-support hamster down the toilet — and she did it. Hamster Rights Watch (HRW) is planning to sue Spirit Airlines. We are wondering if our emotional support anacondas and elephants will soon be banned from aircraft:

http://www.miamiherald.com/news/local/community/miami-dade/article198971069.html

7. Next story comes straight out of so-called fake news. Allegedly, Moscow routed millions of dollars to the Clinton’s foundation while Hillary Clinton worked to reset relations with Russia, an FBI informant in an Obama administration-era uranium deal stated. In a written statement to three congressional committees, informant Douglas Campbell said Russian nuclear executives told him that Moscow hired American lobbying firm APCO Worldwide to influence Hillary Clinton, then secretary of state. Here at AT we think that there is nothing wrong with accepting funds from Russia, provided that these funds are routed to the Clinton foundation. However, we must, with utmost vigilance, investigate every single phonecall or meeting of Trump administration with the Russians.

Message to Putin: with a sufficient donation, we would arrange erection (sic) of your statue on White House grounds. Next time consult the price list more carefully.

http://thehill.com/homenews/administration/372861-uranium-one-informant-makes-clinton-allegations-in-testimony

8. Illinois governor candidate J.B. Pritzker said crass things about black politicians. That does not matter because he is a Democrat. If Trump would have said anything like that, he, rightly, would have been tarred and feathered by the accredited news outlets.

http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/columnists/glanton/ct-met-jb-pritzker-african-americans-dahleen-glanton-20180208-story.html

9. Entertainment news: Star Wars needs a womyn director. Currently female heroines are created in male imaginations and characters of color are seen through the lens of white experience. The Star Wars needs to boldly shed the incorrect notion that most of their fans are white male geeks, and cater to the growing transsexual persons of color crowd, which, according to accredited news outlets, constitutes the majority of American movie-going public.

https://www.yahoo.com/entertainment/star-wars-needs-woman-director-not-game-thrones-guys-184019945.html

10. Entertainment news: a highly realistic depiction of current-day Africa can be found in movie “Black panther”, reviewed earlier by one of our staff members. Movie has its problems, mostly in objectifying womyn and sizeism – there are no typical, 500-lb wimmin depicted – only scantily clad, so-called “fit” womban. Having said that, the realistic depiction of Africa and African inventions (such as Vibranium super-cannon and other gadgets), warrants progressive acceptance and praise. We are especially pleased that Wakandans pejoratively refer to white people as “colonizers,” a not-unreasonable epithet as everyone who is white is constantly oppressing people of color. In contrast, Trump’s “shithole countries” comment is totally out of line and is an offensive generalization:

https://www.yahoo.com/entertainment/film-review-black-panther-170005554.html

We are extremely pleased to note that “Black Panther” has a rare 100 percent rating from review aggregator RottenTomatoes.com. We are in process of procuring the script used.

11. In an undercover investigation, we have tracked down a dangerous domestic terrorist and Trump supporter who goes under the name of Anon/Clopper. Map shows where xe generates xer hateful comments:

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19 Comments on "Accredited News Digest #2"

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hungrypirana
hungrypirana

Under the bridge?

trav777

Anon is local to me, I know right where that is. I will go and use peaceful violence on him for being non-progressive. In the name of tolerance

MillionDollarBonus

Anon thought he could hide behind a proxy server, but he forgot that we’ve got the NSA on our side. I’ve got another expose article on this freak coming out soon that he’s begging me not to write.

trav777

He is clearly deranged for not blindly accepting progressive narratives.

Like how the GOP that hated Trump is now in bed with him and the Russians and are ATTACKING the FBI and DOJ, who are beyond reproach and not allowed to be criticized as “law enforcement,” which progressives selectively love when they are going after conservatives. The Nunes memo was clearly propaganda, despite that the Grassley/Graham memo was EVEN MORE damning and totally agreed with it!

What matters now is how Adam Schiff’s memo is not being released…don’t they know he is Jewish and therefore allowed to stea or disseminate classified information as he sees fit??!?!

The contact with the Russians by Trump’s staff now appears to have been Kushner lobbying the Russians to oppose the anti-Israeli UN act on behalf of Israel, so that type of “collusion” with an “enemy power” is totally fine as long as it benefits jews!

Black Lives Matter

Nancy Pelosi is so amazing. She also reported how “proud” she was when her six-year-old grandson on his birthday said he wished for brown skin like his Latino friend. We’re changing the world!

Bill Gated
Bill Gated

How many brownies have to be skinned for Pelosi’s grandson to wear brown skin?

#obstruction-of-justice

MillionDollarBonus

Wow Nancy’s son has been educated well. When progressives fully control child rearing there’ll be no such thing as a guilt-free, self-loving white person.

TedCruz
TedCruz

That Rolls movin’ serious weight.

Black Lives Matter

Shouldn’t you be voting for tax cuts for the rich or something, cracker?

TedCruz
TedCruz

Yea, something. Big hikes on poor ppl tax. Kardashian-sized hikes. HUGE.

trav777

On #6, it is SPIRIT Airlines. Someone I know calls them Spirchucker Airlines…and it was in Baltimore. In my previous non-privilege-checked days I heard some obviously racist stereotypes a few times about how certain groups treat animals. Stuff to the effect of how innercity schoolkids would have a rabbit brought into the classroom for show by the teacher and would proceed to laugh and kick it, evincing totally nonexistent empathy and wanton cruelty.

On #10, that’s racist. Black Panther should have a 110% critic approval rating. It is the greatest movie of all time, a PERFECT example of cinema. The benchmark for all other films.

Some may say that the screenplay has problems or whatever. They are IDIOTS and are missing the point! Like in hiring and promotion, these idiotic white privilege concepts like MERIT and SKILL are IRRELEVANT. What matters is how many black people you have in your organization! Diversity IS the qualification and it is according to our progressive narrative, THE most important one and really, the ONLY important one. All other so-called qualifications are useless. Diversity is the greatest strength and more diversity = more better.

With that lens, Black Panther is the best movie of all time. It is the one with the all-black cast that portrays blacks and africa in GLOWING terms; under a progressive calculus, THIS is the best that can ever be done and is totally perfect!

MillionDollarBonus

Empathy is something you LEARN. It’s got NOTHING to do with genetics, like these alt right “realists” think. You can teach empathy to Africans by being nice to them and giving them charity. Your good deeds will be reciprocated and much appreciated, just as the refugees in Germany and Sweden have responded with gratitude and humility. The fact that there was practically zero looting in Japan following the Tsunami is because they were taught empathy from an early age. Every single one of them was taught it. EDUCATION is the solution to all of the world’s problems!

MillionDollarBonus

Wow nice one drb – you’re the Drudge of the accredited media! The Kim Kardashian article struck me as particularly pertinent. They really pulled into a drive through? For a McDonalds meal? Did anyone manage to find out what they ordered? A Big Mac? A diet coke? Two scoops of ice cream? They really need to send a couple of undercover journalists in there to get the details.

I think it’s great that Facebook is finally catching on and introducing something like the AT flagging system. It’s very progressive of them to remove comments altogether, but I personally prefer our method of simply coloring in the comment with a red background and putting an adjective underneath it, because it shames the commenter and allows the world to see just how vile they really are. The key is to make a variety of commonly applicable adjectives available in an easy-to-use dropdown to streamline the process of applying adjectives to statements. You don’t tackle the alt right by making counter arguments – that’s just playing into their hands. The way to tackle them is to frame their arguments as irrational or immoral, and then no counter argument is necessary, and we can treat them as we like.

Mules! Proof of Allahs Kindness
Mules! Proof of Allahs Kindness

A symbol of an upwardly pointed arrow inside a circle would indicate a member of the Impaled sub group.

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