Greetings to all loyal readers of AT, the premier accredited news site on the Internet. Most important news snippets from the last week:
1. In a shocking and highly sexist development, California Democratic Assemblywoman Cristina Garcia, the head of the Legislative Women’s Caucus and a leading figure in the state’s anti-sexual harassment movement, is accused of groping a male staffer. Garcia reportedly stroked Daniel Fierro’s back, squeezed his buttocks and attempted to touch his crotch in a dugout after a legislative softball game in 2014. Here at AT we think that this is yet another example of male chauvinism, sexism, and racism. Men simply can not be sexually assaulted, as they are the Gender of Rapists and Perverts according to every single article we read in accredited media.
2. We knew all along that ISIS is not representative of Muslims and now we have a definitive proof. It turns out that well-known group of Brits, called “the Beatles”, are allegedly responsible for murdering approximately two dozen hostages in Syria in order to give Islam a bad name.
3. Important: Nancy Pelosi wore four-inch heels to give an eight-hour speech. Xe held that floor in a pair of stilettos. You go, girl:
4. The most important news of the month: pregnant Khloé and Kim Kardashian pull up to a McDonald’s drive-thru in a Rolls-Royce. A must-read for everyone:
5. How can Facebook promote meaningful interaction between users? By letting them downvote inappropriate comments to hide them. Facebook is now testing a downvote button on a limited set of public Page post comment reels. We are confident that a limited set of conservative pages will be sufficiently downvoted so that only accredited opinions will be visible:
6. Horror story, filled with speciesism, sexism, corporate greed, and hamster genocide. A Spirit passenger claims employees suggested xe flush xer emotional-support hamster down the toilet — and she did it. Hamster Rights Watch (HRW) is planning to sue Spirit Airlines. We are wondering if our emotional support anacondas and elephants will soon be banned from aircraft:
7. Next story comes straight out of so-called fake news. Allegedly, Moscow routed millions of dollars to the Clinton’s foundation while Hillary Clinton worked to reset relations with Russia, an FBI informant in an Obama administration-era uranium deal stated. In a written statement to three congressional committees, informant Douglas Campbell said Russian nuclear executives told him that Moscow hired American lobbying firm APCO Worldwide to influence Hillary Clinton, then secretary of state. Here at AT we think that there is nothing wrong with accepting funds from Russia, provided that these funds are routed to the Clinton foundation. However, we must, with utmost vigilance, investigate every single phonecall or meeting of Trump administration with the Russians.
Message to Putin: with a sufficient donation, we would arrange erection (sic) of your statue on White House grounds. Next time consult the price list more carefully.
8. Illinois governor candidate J.B. Pritzker said crass things about black politicians. That does not matter because he is a Democrat. If Trump would have said anything like that, he, rightly, would have been tarred and feathered by the accredited news outlets.
9. Entertainment news: Star Wars needs a womyn director. Currently female heroines are created in male imaginations and characters of color are seen through the lens of white experience. The Star Wars needs to boldly shed the incorrect notion that most of their fans are white male geeks, and cater to the growing transsexual persons of color crowd, which, according to accredited news outlets, constitutes the majority of American movie-going public.
10. Entertainment news: a highly realistic depiction of current-day Africa can be found in movie “Black panther”, reviewed earlier by one of our staff members. Movie has its problems, mostly in objectifying womyn and sizeism – there are no typical, 500-lb wimmin depicted – only scantily clad, so-called “fit” womban. Having said that, the realistic depiction of Africa and African inventions (such as Vibranium super-cannon and other gadgets), warrants progressive acceptance and praise. We are especially pleased that Wakandans pejoratively refer to white people as “colonizers,” a not-unreasonable epithet as everyone who is white is constantly oppressing people of color. In contrast, Trump’s “shithole countries” comment is totally out of line and is an offensive generalization:
We are extremely pleased to note that “Black Panther” has a rare 100 percent rating from review aggregator RottenTomatoes.com. We are in process of procuring the script used.
11. In an undercover investigation, we have tracked down a dangerous domestic terrorist and Trump supporter who goes under the name of Anon/Clopper. Map shows where xe generates xer hateful comments: