Good morning, and happy valentines day to all our members of the LGBTQQICAPF2K+ community. Whether you’re a solitary asexual, a sologamous two-spirit, a wild pansexual or a lonely brony, we wish you a very romantic and special day. Some say that Valentines day is racist, because it’s has white origins, and I respect those people, but it’s also just a commercial celebration when many choose to enjoy a raw vegan sushi and a strawberry craft beer with their same-sex or trans partner, and top it off with some vegan chocolates while they roar with laughter at SNL’s Trump imitations. If any of you happen to be in New Zealand, I strongly suggest you pop into Rich’s new vegan restaurant where they serve the most divine salted raw broccoli sticks you’ve ever tasted. They’re offering a valentines special today with a kale platter for two for half the usual price, and all you can drink kombucha on tap for $5. There are a myriad of ways to celebrate this very special day, but here are some to get you started, depending on your sexual identity:
If you’re a gay couple, why not take a stroll on the beach holding hands, talk about fashion and design, and grab a tofu steak with a glass of wine before heading to a night club.
Why not watch a game of football and kneel to the national anthem with a pack of craft beers and some vegan chips. Later you can head down to your local tattoo parlor and get a new symbol of your love for each other ingrained into any bare skin you still have, and grab a few new piercings.
Whether you have a partner or not, this is likely to be a depressing day. Just flip on some netflix and forget about all of the fun and romance everyone else is enjoying.
How about a relaxed day sitting on a park bench, followed by a cruise down to your local schoolyard in your ice cream van. I know, this isn’t the valentines day you wanted – but progressives are working hard to make your sexual orientation acceptable in society.
Sit on top of a mountain and meditate, becoming one with every happy valentine and letting their energy flow through you and light you up. Experience every happy moment throughout the world all at once, and then enjoy the rest of the day on your yacht with your one hundred partners who could make it that day.