In many ways, being a progressive is just like being an adherent of a religion. Not all religions of course, as we are still uncertain about Scientology and one or two other non-accredited faiths like Christianity. Nonetheless, the religion of progressivism is our rock because we hold fast to its precepts when we are tempted to go in a different direction.
The misguided and non-PC Catholic Church has its own ‘four cardinal virtues’ of prudence, temperance, justice and fortitude. These all sound incredibly out-dated and uninspiring, however, and therefore we’ve not believed it necessary to study what they actually mean. We believe that millennials and others will be more naturally attracted to the four core progressive virtues, which we outline in this article.
Self-Hatred – We speak an awful lot on this site about how evil white men are. It is true; every single injustice today is the fault of the white man. White men are vastly inferior in all things compared to people of color. However, the shocking truth is that 98.6%* of writers and commentators on this accredited site are actually white men. I should know because I am still one of them, even after a botched operation that has left me looking a bit like a burnt zebra. Yes, we hate ourselves, and this is a positive thing. Self-hatred is a progressive virtue as it enables us to bear the injustices of centuries of oppression that have been committed by people just like us in days gone by. No matter what scientific, philosophical, engineering, mathematical, or other advances that have been attributed to white people in history, history as it is written is all a lie: only people of color have actually advanced personkind. We forget this to our detriment.
Anger – We have written before about how happiness solves precisely nothing and leads to nowhere. A happy progressive is like an Uncle Tom, of zero use to the cause and an enemy to be eradicated. No injustice is ever overturned unless we progressives demonstrate with our tweets, emails, words, and even actions. We need to be angry from the rising of the sun to its setting. Some of our colleagues will try to ‘cheer us up’ with ‘jokes’, ‘anecdotes’ and other ruses: all of these are to be resisted if we are to remain angry at the injustices around us.
Pride – A progressive who loses the flame wars is useless. When we engage with our opponents on social media and the comments-boxes, the sole objective is to shame them with our moral superiority and greater research. We persevere with our derisive comments, our emoticons, our snarky retorts until our opponents are literally shamed into giving way. With a final tapping on our keyboards of the word ‘bigot’ we are finished for the day, proud that we have won the argument because the word ‘bigot’ defeats everything. On no account are we to listen to these closed-minded right-wing fools or hear their ‘point of view’. When they speak, try to close your mind and formulate the response which will destroy them forever. Of all the progressive virtues, pride is perhaps the most important.
Sloth/ envy – the fourth cardinal virtue is in fact two: sloth and envy. Why two? Well, because we woke up late and feel it is unfair that the early bird stole the worm that was rightly ours. Frankly, our generation has been betrayed by all those that came before us who have evangelized on the need for so-called ‘hard work’. Hard-work only sent a man to an early grave. Especially men of color. The reality is that we deserve a ‘living wage’ which allows us to enjoy the few days that are given to us earth-dwellers. Those wealthy corporate types like Trump and the Koch brothers need to re-distribute their wealth to the rest of us who do not enjoy their advantages. They need to follow the example of George Soros who does so much to promote an egalitarian future for all.
Practice these four progressive virtues and the earth is yours and all that is in it. And – which is more – you will be a progressive my son.
* My best guess