What Womyn Want

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Although womyn technically make up around 50% of our population, they are nonethless an oppressed minority. Since the dawn of time, the patriarchy has worked tirelessly to exclude womyn from positions of power and influence, depriving them of basic human rights. Until relatively recently, for example, womyn did not even have the right to vote.  Progress in advancing womyns’ issues has been painfully slow, like the easing of a particularly gruelling onset of menstrual cramps. Not that men would ever understand.

The special status womyn now enjoy in society explains the existence of the International Womyns’ Day and other initiatives intended to reverse the damage caused by the patriarchy. Although the feminist movement has been incredibly successful in increasing womyns’ rights over such issues as workplace discrimination, ability to serve on juries in the military, getting an Ivy League education, criminalising marital rape, legalised abortion, access to oral contraception, the fact is that there is still so much to be done. The patriarchy remains strong and old fashioned views prevail widely:

The living embodiment of the patriarchy: unyielding, deeply sexist and so out of touch

In short, as can be witnessed by the Pussy Hat protesters and countless others in the sisterhood, womyn remain deeply unhappy. What then is it that womyn actually want so that we can give it to them:

  1. Reproductive rights. As a general rule, womyn hate sex except when they don’t. For any ‘complications’ arising from the sordid act, womyn demand the right to choose what to do with their bodies at all times. Whilst accredited philosophers have advanced arguments to justify post-birth abortion (no upper age limit cited), they are missing the point: womyn don’t have to answer to anyone concerning what they do with the life growing inside (or outside) them: they can terminate it with extreme prejudice at any time.
  2. An end to the ‘War on Womyn’. Here we remember the struggle of the courageous Sandra Fluke, who fought to force religious employers to provide contraception and abortifacients for free in employee benefit packages.  The war on womyn must stop now.
  3. The right to wear next to nothing without attracting leering looks from lecherous men. Whilst some scientists argue that there are obvious primal, physiological and chemical reasons why men are unable to avert their gaze when a scantily-clad female passes, this spurious argument must fail. Appealing to the ‘animals-do X, Y & Z-action-in-nature-therefore-it’s-natural’ argument is totally misplaced; this reasoning is only ever permitted when justifying the naturalness of homosexual acts.
  4. As with 3. above, the right to drink paralysing volumes of alcohol in bars and lose all inhibitions, without attracting unwelcome attention from fellow male party goers. Although she may have encouraged and initiated such attention at the outset, she should have the right to be left alone retrospectively. Since she was utterly incapable of giving consent to sex, any sex that did take place was clearly rape.
  5. A recognition that all heterosexual sex is rape. Goes without saying really.
  6. A sandwich. The womyn in the featured image is gifted with a prodigious appetite and  demands that you make her a sandwich NOW. A generous slice of chocolate cake would help soak up the fifteen vodka shots as well. You really wouldn’t want to argue with her.
Coalition of the Oppressed
Coalition of the Oppressed

Actually what womyn want — and more importantly what they DESERVE — is simple: reparations. While many on the left have found the Ta-Nehisi Coates’ writings about reparations for the descendants of former slaves inspirational, his writings don’t go nearly far enough as they are: racist, misogynistic, homophobic, and transphobic. The only way for us to move forward as a society is for ALL oppressed peoples to receive reparations. We should start this bold campaign by sending reparations to the group that has suffered from the yoke of subjugation for the longest — womyn.

hungrypirana
hungrypirana

Bitches want money. So don’t be fooled by fat bitches who want sandwiches. She eats sandwiches then be riding you like a cowgirl. Next, all yo money is gone.

#body-shaming

Marinated Le Pen
Marinated Le Pen

That has been your experience? No wonder you are hungry!

hungrypirana
hungrypirana

I want my reparations back!

Marinated Le Pen
Marinated Le Pen

Can’t you see that your reparations have been converted into high quality cellulite.

Marinated Le Pen
Marinated Le Pen

She’s a beauty. A thing of beauty is a joy forever. Please make her a sandwich.

MillionDollarBonus

Great article Pbier. What womyn want from men is sensitivity, passivity and meekness. This is what Hollywood movies promote, so it must be true. Aggressive men who approach womyn should be charged with rape and sent to jail. If I see a man approach a womyn in the streets, or a man inappropriately caressing his girlfriend or holding her hand (clearly rape), I always march over and give him a lecture on how to treat a lady. Womyn seem to pass me up for some reason, but I think it’s because they’re just not ready for a sensitive heroic soul like me yet.

MillionDollarBonus

Money?? Excuse me?? Womyn don’t like money! That would be so shallow! It’s MEN’S preferences that are shallow! All they care about is physical attractiveness! They don’t even care what’s on the INSIDE! That lovely large lady in the photo at the top of this article probably has a beautiful personality, but sexist patriarchal men will just pass her up because of her looks! Horrible! Men are such pigs!

Marinated Le Pen
Marinated Le Pen

Yes, men are such pigs.
She fell so much in love with Onan, that she, just this once, decided to make her own bacon sandwich. There was a faint scent of camel urine, but otherwise yummm….

Meat-curtains-of-empowerment
Meat-curtains-of-empowerment

What wyximin want should not be the question. Whatever it is they want, it should be given to them by those who don’t identify as wyximin. Then we will have true justice in the world.

trav777

I would add some clarification and addition to some of these…

the right to divorce at any time for any reason, especially if having found a man that is of higher value than their present boring beta.

The right to have a lower status male with a dependable high-income job take care of her bills and offspring of exciting and sexually attractive men.

The right to not have unwanted attention from ANY man that she does not want attention from, at any time, even if naked and touching herself in public. ONLY men who she wants attention from should be allowed to give her any attention.

The right to have rape and unwanted touching be recognized even if consent was given before during and after the act. NO MEANS NO and it ESPECIALLY does when regret sets in at some future point.

The right to EQUAL pay for EQUAL work. And by EQUAL I mean MORE money and also by EQUAL I mean LESS work.

The right to have the State take care of her and her offspring with multiple sexually attractive men if she cannot find a beta schmuck to do it. HER BODY, HER CHOICE, but not HER responsibility!

The right to Empowerment and control except when things go bad and then to have a man properly fingered for blame.

The right to have a much lower sentence for participation as a co-principal in the same physical acts constituting a crime.

I could go on all day- this is EQUALITY.

#accredited-times-pick

MillionDollarBonus

Womyn shouldn’t be held as accountable as men because they are fragile and delicate. But they SHOULD be offered all the privileges that men get. Like getting the vote without the draft.

trav777

women are also incredibly powerful, much more so than men.

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