What Kind Of Progressive Are You?

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Progressives come in all shapes and sizes, from elitist economics professors, to college students, to middle class feminists. Each of them has their own style of activism and unique manner of communication, and each is effective in their own way. In order to decide which category you fit into, below are a set of brief descriptions of how each of these characters speak, carry themselves and deliver the message of progress. 

Silicon Valley Tech Entrepreneur

The California tech entrepreneur talks in a smarmy, effeminate, valley girl accent saying things like “uup” instead of “app”. They like to use catch phrases and trendy tech and business terms for simple concepts, like “hacker” instead of “programmer”, “leverage” instead of “use”, “pivot” instead of “change”, and “stack” instead of “programming languages”. They will passive aggressively use these terms in the presence of people who are unlikely to understand what they mean, and if you have the audacity to admit that you don’t understand, they will role their eyes and laugh at how unsophisticated and quaint you are.

College Social Justice Warrior

College SJWs are known for their obnoxious sense of entitlement. They are the most oppressed people in the world after all, and are doing us a favor by educating themselves in self-indulgent subjects like Critical Race Theory and womyn’s studies on the taxpayer’s dime. College SJWs will speak in a loud, threatening manner, and will quickly resort to guilting and shaming if you do not bow your head in shame and beg for forgiveness. That’s if you’re a white male of course. If you’re part of a victim group, they will tip toe around you, look downwards awkwardly and laugh nervously in your presence, in order not to offend you. 

Ivy League Elitist

Ivy League professors speak with an air of superiority, wear glasses and lecture you condescendingly about subjects that are quite frankly beyond your level of comprehension. Academic elitists command respect and admiration wherever they go, and they expect and revel in it too. Most of them weren’t the coolest kids in school, and were even less cool in their 20s and 30s, which has left them hungry for validation and status, so you better give it to them or expect to be treated very badly.

Middle Class Feminist

Middle class feminists will hush any politically incorrect conversations around the dinner table, and will neuter any male who dares question progressive narratives. As a male you must adopt a soft, submissive demeanor, or expect to be viciously threatened, insulted and shamed.

Accredited Media News Reader

Accredited newsreaders and journalists speak in a matter of fact way about what they determine to be current affairs, knowing that whatever they’re talking about is what everyone else is concerned about too. When interviewing or talking about conservatives they will have a concerned and puzzled look on their faces, as they struggle to understand why right wingers are so irrational, immoral and stupid. When talking about behaviors and ideas they want to encourage, they talk in an upbeat, playful tone and smile and chuckle repeatedly, letting you know exactly what you should and shouldn’t believe.

My suggestion would be to try each of these personas out and see which one fits you best. Each has its merits and disadvantages, and many of these characters don’t even get along that well, but each of them is nevertheless essential to carrying our message forward. Maybe you don’t fit any of these personas, and have your own unique progressive personality. It’s all good – diversity is great, as long as we have total conformity of belief, and ban any opposing ideas as hate speech. So be yourself and bring your uniqueness to the world, as long as you’re a progressive!

hungrypirana
hungrypirana

How about Marxist, freeloader, drone, malcontent?

Anon
Anon

or living in a basement mama’s boy (or girl).

richandrenee

Wow great information MDB. Progressives are such a diverse and vibrant group. Unlike right-wingers who are such a dull bunch we progressives can actually make arrogance a virtue. I’m going to practice a Krugman-like know it all and are better than you endearing way of speaking today.

I’ll be out and about – so I’ll let you all know how it goes.

RG King Jr.
RG King Jr.

Yo, u dun fo’got da bigust group of da brothas in da hood.

Snuggles
Snuggles

Dun bin, fo’got. Whar yo bin learnst yo grammerst? Off da sail foam?

Ethno-Masochisto
Ethno-Masochisto

Sometimes I like to wear a MAGA hat and pretend to be a conservative. Then I attend a progressive event and stand and absorb all their hatred and frustration. Sometimes I am beaten senseless and other times I’m just verbally assaulted but always I’m enthralled to help them vent their Trump-anger. It’s especially enthralling when Antifa or Black Nationalists are present. Then my fun really begins.

Confused
Confused

I now realize that I’m not the Progressive I thought I was. I know that not only are all minority victims completely absolved of any responsibility, but now I realized that I could unknowingly cause hate crimes by my mere existence. This is so depressing… How do I manage to support one Progressive Cause without dropping the ball on any number of others? Doing the right thing is tough, but I’m glad I’m not like those right wingers and have only one stance to take.

Marinated Le Pen
Marinated Le Pen

If your mere existence is a hate crime, then you ought to tar yourself.

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